My First Death

"The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living"
-Marcus Tullius Cecero

I died as my mom died.

I will be posting this first, before the continuation of my 1st article. This should be my first published article but I am having a hard time finishing this one.

November 2008

I'm 16years old in the year of 2008. I once lived in a family of six. My Dad doesn't have a permanent/stable job. We are one of the poorest people of the society, but lucky enough to be able to go to College.
My eldest brother is a fresh College graduate and still looking for a job. My elder brother, elder sister and I are both studying in College (Me and my sister are beneficiary of scholarship program of a Foundation), while my mom is battling with a lung illness.

Being poor and sick you only got two options, you'll heal and recover but you'll incur debt or you'll die and still in debt, either way they still sound the same "debt" or "death".

My mom was confined in a Public Hospital for 3 weeks during November 2008. I usually visit her after school. I sometimes walk from the School to the Hospital, since I dont want to spent for a transpo fare. The distance is 1.6KM or approximately 30mins walk. My relatives are helping us with the medical expenses even with our daily food.

Birth and Death

It's around 2 in the morning of November 29,2008 when I missed my Dad's call.
I have this unexplainable feeling of uneasiness that something bad happened, but I tried to calm my self first and waited for another call. Finally, I got the next call but can't hear my Dad's voice.
I'm still feeling anxious, then few seconds later I received a text message from him telling me that my mom passed away,
"Wala na si mama niyo."

My mind can't really absorbed my Dad's message, a part of me is hoping that it isn't real and it all just a bad dream.
I immediately wake up my sister and brother and we went to the Hospital as fast as we can. My Dad is crying when we arrived at the Emergency area. He hugged us right away while saying these words:

"Iniwan na tayo ni Mama niyo."

"Your mother already left us."

And we all both cried. We went first to my Mom's ward to get her things, before we proceed to the Hospital Mortuary Room.

I tried my best to calm myself first before writing this part. Remembering this scene is painful.

I can't keep my emotions anymore as we walk inside the Mortuary. I saw a lifeless body lying in a cold stainless bed. It was covered with a plain white blanket. As I walk closer, I saw my mom's name written on the tag that was tied on her ankle. My dad removed the blanket and I saw my Mom's face. I saw the hardships in her face and how she struggles to fight for her life; It was written on her face that she tried her best to live, but then her body gave up. I wanted to hold her face, as I place my palm onto her face I can still feel the warmth of her skin for the last time. The Hallway in the Mortuary area was filled with our sorrows. It was my Mom's 46th Birthday and My Dad plan to surprise her, but instead she suprised us, a painful surprise. A supposedly joyous occassion turns into a misery.

Telling the Truth to Grandma

My grandma doesn't know yet the devastating news. She arrived in Manila few hours after my Mom's death not knowing that her only child was no longer alive. When me and my siblings went home some of our relatives from my Mother side told us that our Grandma was already at home. They warn us not to tell her anything about our Mom. As we went inside the house, My Grandma immediately asked us how's Mom. I can't ignore her. I just said "She will be home, soon" while keeping myself from crying. My Grandma have an inborn heart disease, that's why we can't tell her the truth right away. My relatives told her the news after making sure of that my Grandma is in good condition. It's too heartbreaking seeing my Grandma's crying. They say, losing your child is the most painful thing.

Trigger Warning: there are words that can trigger trauma or depression

The Aftermath

My Mom was laid to rest after 3 days of funeral service. The coming days are harder than what I expected. It's really difficult for me to sleep at night for months after my Mom's passing. I can see my Mom's face in the Mortuary Room whenever I close my eyes. I have those episodes of waking up at dawn, crying. Even before going to sleep, I am silently crying. It become my routine, In the morning I'm doing fine going to school but I am breaking down at night. We moved out from our old house and started to live with my relatives in Father's side. My Aunt's house became our 2nd home, It's in the same district but in different barangay.

Days, Months and Years passed. I thought I am doing fine. I'm breathing and living like a normal person I should be.
But the emptiness within me is still consuming my whole system, it's suffocating but I am embracing it. I have series of thoughts on physically hurting myself that I almost cut my wrist, but I was able to overcome those negative thoughts.

New Start - September 2015

When me and my siblings started to earn money, we decided to moved out from my Aunt's house. We lived there for almost 6 years since the death of my Mom and that's long enough already, so from Manila we moved to Paranaque. It was my sister's idea. She told me that she wanted to forget all the bad things that happened in our old house. And the only way to do that is to completely moved out from that place. She also have a sleepless nights and nightmares same with my brother, we almost have the same dreams. As we started living in Paranaque everything started to change for good. I still have those crying moments at night whenever I misses my Mom, but we rarely got a nightmare about our old home.

Yes, I am doing fine again. 🙂

A/N: At times, I still cry at night before I sleep. But I am much better now compare before. As much as I want to forgot all those unpleasant memories, they are already part of what I become now. If you ever experiencing some hardships in life, never let yourself get drowned on your negative thoughts. Healing is a long process, it takes years, but never lose hope. Because there is always HOPE. Believe me, there is.

Thank you for reading my story. After writing this I feel so much lighter now. Haha See yah on my next article. ❤

Own Image used.