I wish, I am Not

There are things I wish I am, but unfortunately I am not.

• I wish I am someone who can easily forget about the bad things, that had been said to me directly or not.

I can forgive but I can't forget. No matter what I do it will not be erase in my mind. I don't know why am I like this, but probably because I was hurt so much. It could also be because it's said by someone that I least expected to tell me those words. It's already a combination of hurt and disappointment. And it could also be because I never hear an apology. They never said sorry,and that made me think they really mean their words.

• I wish I can be more understanding that not all have the same level of my understanding in some things.

Some would probably think that I am a patient person, but I am not. They think that I am too kind to get angry, but the thing is I can easily get mad if someone doesn't understand my explanation, If i have to repeat myself for several times. I am just trying to control my anger, but in my mind i already cuss a couple of times. That's one of the things I hated about me.

• I wish I can be less sensitive from the words that some people claimed as a "joke".

Also, I wish some people will be more sensitive with their insensitive jokes. I am often called "Kill Joy" for not riding some jokes or teasing. They say I'm too serious and sensitive when it's just a joke. It's probably just a joke to them but it isn't for me, they should also respect that. Sometimes, I could be too sensitive because I wasn't in the mood to fool around.

• I wish I stop overthinking and be more confident.

This is the most I wanted to be. I am an overthinker and I worry about things that is not about to happen yet, that it affects my planning. It seems like I am playing tug of war, my self is battling with my own self. There are things that I wanted to try but keeps on being delayed because I am still thinking if I should do it or not. I doubted myself a couple of times before continuing with doing things again.

• I wish I am brave enough to take a risk and strong enough to accept defeat, failures and rejections.

If I am, I already started executing more plans, but I am not. It's hard for me to recover after every failures, defeat and rejection. It'll took months and even years. It will never be easy for everyone to accept defeat and that's what holding me back to take a risk.

• I wish I am someone who can be a great friend that you can always talk to.

I really wish I am. I wanted to be a special friend to someone. Who she can always talk to and share her worries. Someone she can lean on. I also hope my friend is proud of having me as a friend. I wish I could reply instantly whenever i received a message, but it always took me hours and days to do that. I wanted to be a one call away friend, but I am not. As much as I wish I am, but I also wish I have a friend that will also do the same.

• I wish I am better and matured enough than before.

This is what scares me, not able to learn from my past struggles and experiences. I always hope I've become a better person now. Much better in making wise decisions; for knowing what is good and bad; and for choosing what is right from wrong, but I think there are times that I am not.

• I wish I am less honest on what I truly feel.

I always thought that being honest at all times is great, but I realized it isn't. When frustration takes over me, It's really hard for me to be considerate with other people feelings. My words are true and honest to the point that it can be hurtful. I am blunt at times.

• I wish I am not too hard on myself.

It is more hard to forgive ourself when we make mistakes; When you were not able to attain the expection you had for yourself; and when it's just a small thing yet you still made a mistake. Yes, I am blaming myself for the things that went wrong, and I wish I am not.

Finally, I wish I won't think about the things that I am not, but to rather focus on and improve the things that I am.

A/N: These are just some random thoughts I have while barely doing nothing at times. When I am trying to figure out what are the things that I should do, these thoughts will cross my mind. Just some thoughts that will linger in my head from time to time.

Thank you my Lovely Readers!

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