The Strength Within: Surviving Abuse and Finding Hope (a very intimate post)

I think that this publication, as it is very special and talks about a peculiar aspect of my life, which I previously promised @Telesfor to tell him about, may interest you. This time it is a subject that hurts me a lot, that is very difficult for me to tell, that left me marked for life.

Today I start this publication without having a very clear idea of everything I want to say, and it is something that does not usually happen to me very often, because today I want to talk to you about my personal struggles, part of a story of my life, about things that have passed.

For those who don't know, I am 55 years old, I live alone in my apartment that is now my own, and I have just gone through some very difficult stages in my life, in which the family that touched me was made up of a father who was very tough of character and who hurt my mom and hurt me emotionally and psychologically for over 40 years.

It was a form of bullying with domestic violence, and be careful, he didn't hit mom or me, but domestic violence is not only physical, but psychological, and this has been repeated on many occasions.

The humiliation, the mistreatment and the comparisons that he does with my mother and with other mothers and of me with other boys, really minimized us and made us feel as if we were people or beings that we were worthless and crap, and this demotivated us.

If I had not been a very analytical person with a strong will and mental strength, I would surely have committed suicide and been in a mental institution a long time ago.

I want to mention that, despite all this damage that dad caused me, despite things that happened, such as: the illness that mom had was caused by him, and to get into context a bit, I will tell you what happened.

Mom was in charge of paying for cable television with the pension she received.

What I'm talking about happened many, many years ago, and the cable television service we had at that time was Supercable.

There came a time when it became so expensive that mom couldn't pay for it with her pension, so she asked my dad for help so that he could help pay for it.

At that time I was studying and I didn't have a job, I couldn't contribute, and dad told her that he simply didn't feel like contributing, that if she wanted to have cable television, she should pay for it with her own money from she.

Mom told him that he was going to be enjoying the service too, that it was something for everyone, that he had to contribute. He told her no, he didn't feel like it.

Mom reached a point of stress that made her very nervous, because that was one of the few entertainments she had: coming home and watching her soap operas and series on cable TV, and from time to time she visited some neighboring friends that she had here in the building because, since the situation here at home was so difficult and dad treated mom and me so badly, he yelled at us, humiliated us, so mom preferred to spend time outside the house so as not to have run-ins with dad.

Same with me, i tried to get home as late as possible, and that was a problem because they thought I was doing other activities, taking drugs or doing bad things. And it was that I just didn't want to be here because I didn't like being here, precisely because of that.

All the time being in an environment where there are discussions and where there is bad vibes, where everything is too toxic, marked me, and I still feel very resentful.

I know I have to try to stop that because I'm hurting myself, but I can't stop it because it's always beating there, it's always there, and always some situation that I see somewhere restimulates me and makes me remember those bad moments, I it makes them revive, and then I am filled with bad vibrations and completely decompose.

The fact is that this situation led mom to a nervous breakdown, and this nervous breakdown caused her to completely lose her sanity and triggered an episode of senile dementia.

And as a result of that senile dementia, she completely lost her sanity from this nervous breakdown.

Later other very serious things happened, among them, one that was for not taking care of a medicine that was supposed to be taken at a certain time, that dad and I took turns to give him medicine and to make sure that mom was taking it properly.

Mom was in a care center for a year, and then, because she asked me to, she wanted to go home, that she wanted her house, that she no longer wanted to be there.

And my mom, I adored her, I adore her very much, even though she is no longer with me, and I decided to bring her home so that she could spend the rest of her days here, at home, where she wanted.

With the medication we had to keep an eye on him. I was very tired because I was the one who took care of everything in the house, from washing her clothes, dad's, mine, to doing the chores.

Grocery shopping, cleaning the house, paying for everything that has to do with household affairs, services and all that.

I had to go pay for all that, it was me for everything, because dad didn't want to take care of anything. The only thing he took care of was certain little things and maybe giving my mom the medicine, and that reluctantly.

Atrocious things happened, such as, for example, on some occasion, when I came home from the street, I found my mother tied to the bed with a cable, and father was by her side watching television, that same television that he did not wanted to pay cable service but enjoyed it...

I found that man, whose name is my father, who had tied her up with a cable, that coaxial cable through which the internet and cable signals pass.

He had taken a cable of those that had been left over from the installation and had tied it. And when I asked him why he had done that, he told me that mom had had a seizure, that she was having convulsions and that he was screaming at that moment.

No, that's a lie, don't believe him at all, said mom. And of course, I already knew that was a lie.

These types of situations embittered me and marked my life a lot, and I want to expose this here because, despite the fact that on other occasions I have already told cops and lawyers such as the public prosecutor's office and in due course I made the complaint so that they could take action In the matter, they didn't really listen to me, but they did listen to dad, but with another complaint that he made to me, a counter complaint that he made to me, you can imagine how perverse it was.

Since he was an older person, the prosecution did take his complaint into account, but not mine, and mine was earlier, many years before his.

And the point is that all of this is what I'm telling, because I want to get rid of it, and because mom's death occurred in these circumstances, I arrived very tired of doing things on the street, and I told dad that, please I was waiting to give mom the medicine because I was going to need to sleep.

Because I was really exhausted, I had been doing paperwork and doing things on the street for about 12 hours. I wanted, at least, to rest for three or four hours to continue doing things around the house, and I went to bed.

And I don't know if he missed giving her the medicine, I think he did it on purpose.

I continue today thinking that he did it on purpose, that it was voluntary. He did not want to give her the medicine, he let time pass, and mom, still in her little sanity that she had due to the disease, with the senile dementia she had, stopped to take the medicine because she already knew that she had to take the remedy.

But she took an overdose of the medicine, and since it was medicine for sleeping, what it did was cause an embolism, and his heart couldn't take it, she had a heart attack, and she died the next day.

My heart burns every time I relive those moments when dad knocked on my door at 6 am the next day, screaming all scared that mom wasn't breathing, that he didn't know what to do... and I went to see her, I checked his vital signs and she was no longer breathing, but she already had the lividity of death on his skin.

And it wasn't until I spoke to her and told her not to worry, to go away, that it was his turn to rest and not to worry because I was going to do my best to get along with the old man (because one of the fears of she was leaving me alone with him, because she thought he was going to kill me or do something bad to me), that she really left this plane, and was able to die in peace. She was waiting for me to say goodbye.

My holy mother, and believe me that I write this with tears in my eyes.

So it was due to dad's negligence of not taking care of the responsibility that he had at that particular moment, of giving her the medicine. Mom died.

Many things happened, many other things that I could recount in this text, but it would really be very long, and I need, on this occasion, to give you this context of all this that I have told you because I really feel at this stage of life. worried about what the future is going to be, because every time I see how the economic fence closes around me.

Things are getting more and more expensive and because of the same situation of being with this constant bullying and this constant domestic violence, I couldn't finish my studies, because I had no way to concentrate. If I had been able to finish them, perhaps my current situation would be better.

I have always had attention problems because it is difficult for me to concentrate to study, because the only thing I thought about was the moment when I got home m
and they were going to humiliate.

I was never able to get to finish high school and be able to start studying a career. However, I dedicated myself to computing and everyone who knows me knows that I am a specialist in that area and very good at what I do.

I've been contacted by hacker and system engineer friends in the community that I've met, asking for advice, but the point is that despite all these things and despite my ability and talents to write and express myself, there come times when I need to do this catharsis.

That is why I come to this community and say that I feel drowned, because no matter how much I look for all the resources and do everything possible to keep up to date, something or a new expense always comes up that drowns me and suffocates me.

At this time, for example, I went through stages in which I was unable to walk for six months due to paralysis from sciatica that froze my legs, and I went through very hard times. Being alone at home, dragging me on the ground because i couldn't walk.

I have gone through very hard times for more than 40 years, and what I want to tell you is that this has exhausted me.

I reach a point where I say that I want everything to end once and for all, I don't want this to continue like this, because there has to be a period in which I see the light, in which I can live for several years in peace. and in peace, without having economic deficiencies.

That even if I don't have everything, I can live moderately well, having a stable basic water service to be able to clean my home and wash my clothes, being able to watch television and being calm at home, without this type of alterations that also occur in the place where alive.

Because these are additional things, noise from the neighborhood, music, people breaking down doors, people fighting, the cost of living, etc., they are a lot of things that accumulate and weigh heavily. That maybe you will think that everything has a solution. Yes, I am aware that this is the case, everything has a solution when you are a person who has a family and friends.

But when you are someone like me who does not have a family or that the family has pushed you aside and has decided to go live elsewhere, because he could not stand your father because of his character and way of being that even his own close family (mother, sisters, cousins) went to live far away, to another country, so they wouldn't have to deal with him and they took me away too.

They did not want to have any kind of link with me because of the stigma that I carry, created by him as well. So, I don't have that support or that help, even moral, from my family.

The times I have asked them for help, for example, when mom is sick, to come and help me, only my aunt came on my mother's side, she helped my mom and when she died she disappeared from my life.

After mom died, I think she consider that she had no other ties that tied her to me, and in truth I understand that, but not because I understand it does it stop hurting.

Another thing I wanted to tell you is, imagine how I felt, just to finish this long post, when dad got dementia. After all the damage and all the domestic violence that he caused me for more than 40 years, it fell to me to take care of him, to have to bathe him, to have to feed him.

After all the damage and after all these episodes that I told you about and others that you don't know about, all the mistreatment and everything, I had to take care of him.

And you know, I took care of him because he really is a human being and I thought that's the least you can give anyone, regardless of what he's done.

I am someone who has a very deep respect for life, even if it is the life of the worst enemy, of the worst person in this world. I think he should always have another chance and well, I gave it to him and I took care of him despite all that that implied and all the bad things he did to me and makes me feel.

I really think he didn't deserve any attention from me, he didn't deserve it! And in that sense, I say that life has been unfair.

Surely you who are reading this from the other side will think that it is very easy to overcome this, that that is what friends are for. No, my so-called friends also abandoned me, left me and did not help me by telling me what were the mistakes I was making when I made them, but waited years and years later, after I had already made those mistakes, to tell me that I was wrong.

I consider that a true friend tells you at the moment: "Look, you're screwing up, please correct it, stop doing it."

They don't wait 20 years later to tell you that you've done something wrong, do you know why it's worse? The damage is already done and you are already hurt. So, those so-called friends weren't really friends, and they also walked away from me

And in these moments of my life, I feel like this, suffocated.

I need a break, I need to be able to live in peace, in harmony, calmly and perhaps with a minimum of worries, and not so much anxiety and stress about how I am going to be able to pay the bills tomorrow generating an income of less than $20 a month, and that's counting what I make here at Hive.

And many will say: "Okay, but find another job." I really don't want to work for anyone else, I want to work for myself, and I'm used to working here at home.

So my job has to be exclusively what I like, being able to write and working online, and that's why I'm here.

This is only part of everything I wanted to express and say in this catharsis, because I have so much more to tell, but I wanted to at least express this feeling of being like a little bird in the grass, of being aimless, of feeling lost and hopeless, without seeing a possible way out.

And I need a way out, I need an escape, I need to be okay, and beyond that, I want to be okay.

This is the catharsis that I really wanted to do and share with you today, and I would like to tell you many more things, but surely those who know my stories know that they are based on these things that have happened to me in life, on all these dramas that I have lived and things that have also happened to me, such as the time that I had, of my own free will, to be involved in drugs for two years.

Today I take all these experiences to my stories.

Nowadays, don't worry, I don't use any kind of drugs or do anything strange, I'm just writing, I'm at home, alone and calm.

And for everything I am alone, it is not that I have a friend, a woman, a partner, a family, a child or a pet who can give me a hand or help me, not only financially but, above all, when I I need to talk or have someone to comfort me here by my side.

There is no one, I am alone with my loneliness.

And I prefer it to be that way, because at this point it is impossible for me to get used to living together.

Everything I write is to try to help me overcome these difficult moments, which come back from time to time and settle on me, like black clouds. Hopefully and you understand how bad I feel and the financial help I need.

Thanks for reading me.

Translated with Simple Translate by Sienori.
(Using the google translate API)