Me time went wrong

03.29.23

Me time is a luxury for most mothers

Recently...

We went back to Manila last January and when we got there. I remember I asked my mother and sister if they can look after Lil B. I need to take a nap. I woke up early for our flight and my husband wasn't with us. It was just Lil B and me who went home. I told them that this will be the first time that I'll sleep alone. My mother said 'ginusto mo yan eh', it hit me negatively as if it was wrong to be with my own family. My sister then said 'ako nga di pa nakakatulog magisa except kung may sakit ako' . Again, I was shocked to hear that from her too.

In my mind, why would they say such things? My sister and her family are staying with her in-laws and if she gets sick, she has someone to look after her daughter. Her sister and brother-in-law are there with her. Me? My husband is always at work, don't have a time off since January when I got sick, I need to take care of Lil B alone leaving me guilty once I slept out of my sickness.

Is it wrong if I chose to leave my parents just to be with my own family? I know that it's hard to be without assistance but I am trying hard even when my depression hits me and affects Lil b. Little did my mother know that I almost did a bad thing to Lil B. And that's what I am going to hear from her.

One day out

I and my friends scheduled a celebration as one of us is going overseas and she'll celebrate her birthday too.

I told my mother that I'll go to Cainta to see them. My mother agreed that they'll look after Lil B and advised me to go home early as I can. I on the other hand wanted to make the most out of my trip as I will go to Cainta from Cavite.

I visited my cousin as it was on the way to Cainta, that's why I decided to drop by. I got off the house at 9 am because Lil B woke up early. I prepared her breakfast and prepared her food or other things that my mother should need while I am gone.

I have no idea how long my travel time will be and I ended up arriving at my cousin's place at 12nn. We had lunch, and chika for a bit, and around 3 pm my mother started calling me asking me if I am already on my way home. Around that time, I decided to go to my best friend's house.

From around 5 pm to 6 pm my mother still kept on calling me asking and telling me to go home as Lil B is already looking for me. I wasn't getting notifications, in real time because something is going wrong on my messenger even for my husband's calls.

My mother was getting pissed off. I am too, thinking for just one day I needed time for myself and now I felt even more guilty for giving myself alone time and leaving Lil B that long. Another thing is, it killed my best friend's despedida/bday celebration vibe.

I booked an Angkas ride as soon as possible and got home.

My thoughts at that time

They can't stand taking care of Lil b because she's an active baby. She can't be easily pacified by Cocomelon or youtube videos. They need to play with her. I know that my parents are getting old but somehow it got me thinking about an incident when Lil B was just months old.

I remember telling my mother that I can go back to work but I'll need help from them taking care of Lil B. She didn't say a thing, and I assumed that they can't take care of Lil B. I am not saying that they don't look after her, they do but not as long as an hour even if I do groceries which I can do for less than 30 mins.

I thought, why does other grandparent love to take care of their grandchildren? Why my parents can take care of my niece longer? Is it because she's easily entertained by toys and nursery rhymes?

Opening up to my sister

I tried to open up with our eldest sister. She only commented that our parents can't handle it because of their age. I am not surprised, I wasn't heard. It's not that I didn't consider their age, it's just that they could've told me that they can't take care of Lil b for too long. This wouldn't be an issue to me if they did.

Instead of sharing things with my sisters, I talked to one of my friends who is a single mom. Surprisingly, she listened and understand but she didn't side with me. She told me a few stuff too and got good advice from her.

Thank you read.cash for letting me vent.

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