07.10.23

I snapped. I raged. I cried.

Life is unfair, that's the reality.

Every person, situation, or everything is unique and has its purpose. It's up to each of us to see if the glass is half full or half empty.

Some of you may agree that in good times, we see life is half full. In bad times, it's half empty. It's always how positive we see things or not. Easy to say but the battle is always within yourself.

Yesterday, I snapped, raged, and cried.

There are triggers to these snaps and rages. I would always ask why?

Why do I have these snaps? Why do I have these rages? Why me? Why did I do things that I shouldn't have done?

After the storm, I would always feel guilty. It affects me and my family, it affects me as a mother and a wife, as a person.

What happened?

I was triggered when I asked my husband to do something so we can have lunch. It was almost past 12nn and I was cleaning up my nails. My husband was always bothered by me biting my nails. It may be a mannerism but at the same time a sign of anxiety.

I told him to heat up the food but Lil B keeps on following him. I told him to play a movie or something on the TV to keep Lil B distracted so he can do what he needs to be done. He ended up watching the movie for a few minutes too. I reminded him again, but after 2 minutes, he watched it again. I called him and asked him again. Now he quickly stood up but I felt like he was annoyed by my tone and when Lil B followed him, he suddenly grabbed or carried her and shut the door. I felt triggered. From there, I snapped. I grabbed the door, smelled poop on her diaper, and got the wipes. He looked at me and said 'She's following me'. I grabbed Lil B and kind of threw her on the bed, screamed lightly, and threw things within my reach.

I was horrible. It wasn't me. It was my monster that continues to haunt me.

Why did you come out again? I don't need you. Don't take over me, please.

Communication

Me and my husband already discussed what happened. Again, I just felt bad for me and Lil B. I just find things generally unfair for mothers and fathers, women and men.

Certain unfair things complement one's unfairness. Does that make sense?

Now I haven't finished doing my nails and bit the other nails.