We live, we die

Call me a negative, call me all you want. I was willing to live, but in the end, if love isn't the reason the only choice is death.

I was a happy go lucky girl, I treasure time as if it was my last, and I live to made fun. I can say I am a playful girl as a teenager. I have been playing for most of the guys who was willing to be wrapped around my fingers, be it text mates or personal courtship. I never run out of suitor, and I dump guys, when everything turns out boring. And conversations become dull. Most of my aunts gossips about me being pregnant at an early age, and my child will live without a father.

Funny it may seems that I reached the age of 28, and wasn't married, no child. Was it Karma? Maybe. I enjoy too much playing when I was a teenager that when I want too take things seriously no one wants to play that game.

But still, my text mates, keep on updating me, maybe they still want the conversation to keep going. Den was one of the guy that I kept for 8 long years. Maybe because, I found, security that he can't come to me, that I kept him and get entertained. He live far away and were separated by the sea, miles miles away. He is single, and though in those 8 years, there's a man in between, he didn't failed to amused me and still compete with those men. He even asked me to go live with him. He would send me money and he told me that he has a house and he was so ready to have a family.

I laugh at his ideas. Though, we have seen, each other when I visit the City for my check-up I was still not sure if I am ready. What if I died and he cannot accept that and end up following me? Questions and questions are coming into me.

Yeah I was diagnosed with a heart failure at age 25, I can't be excited, I can't laugh hard, I can't be extremely happy, I can't be too lonely, I can't walk for more hours and I can only travel for not less than a day. I easily get tired. And everything should be mild. That was the doctor told me, and Den didn't know that. I know I can't live that long but, when Den, had me choose, between trying it out or cutting the ties between us, I admitted all my worries. I told him my sickness, and if he was willing, to take the chances in me even I can't live that long. I can't even give him a child, that he wanted so bad, and I can't give him an intense feeling as most of guys want. After admitting it on him, he was actually shock at first, but after that day, he was in front of our house, traveled miles, miles away and told me he wanted me. Only me. I can't be too much happy, but I am happy. It was too much that I was now willing to die. But the world has other plans because I didn't.

After staying for 2 days on our home, we both moved in his house. He was a very responsible man, he keeps his parents on his house and some of his siblings and nieces, feeds them. Two months! It was the best two months of my life. I regret the day that I didn't agree with his proposal earlier and made it long. I was too focused on my sickness and I forgot that I can spend all my time living the way it was when I was a teenager. Live life to the fullest like it was my last, as some quoted phrase from different individuals.

Unfortunately that two months didn't last, because I found myself, crying over him, bidding goodbye. I should be the one, in that white rectangular casket. Was it Karma? He was happy that morning, when, I go to the bank to for our SSS, he's happy and telling me to be careful always. "Love, mag-iingat ka lage ah. Mahal na mahal kita.", I responded with that you are more than my life, "Mas mahal na mahal kita at salamat kase ikaw yung minahal ko" you smile in a teasing way and showered me kisses and hugs. Its not an unusual conversation between us but, it turned out it was unusual. I still continue to the bank, and when I came back he was not breathing at all. Everyone was crying, someone was telling me, that he was just plugging out the electric fan and he was holding a pitcher of water when the incident happen. He was electrocuted.

I can't move. I can't cry. I can't feel anything. I can only laugh how destiny plays the game, here I am afraid to left someone and mourned for me, now mourning for the one I took seriously.

Ahh I can't be too sad, but it was all the feeling I can feel. I left our home, as soon as the funeral ended. I wasn't ready for it. I failed to get my checked up done. I missed him so much. All I can say as you always teased me whenever I cry because I feel like I will left you sooner, that you will find me in our next life. That when you can't handle the, loneliness and that when you missed me so bad you'll follow me. Where ever I am. Because thats how much you love me. Till death do us part, huh.

After a year of mourning, my heart gets weaker and weaker and I become more and more excited, happier than usual, can now laugh to my fullest, and cried a river to exhaustion, because, I am now ready to be with you, love.

T H A N K S F O R R E A D I N G !!!

Credits

Thanks to Pawel Czerwinski @pawel_czerwinski for making the lead image available freely on Unsplash 🎁 https://unsplash.com/photos/lw5KEl7JoB0