Sometimes love isn't enough

****

Since I was a kid, I always dreamt of creating my own complete family, contrary to what I grew up with. And I already knew that I wanted to meet a man opposite to my father to avoid being compared to my mother. I don't want to be like her.

I have six siblings. I'm in the middle, and my mother and father have been separated since I was 12. I was raised by my father and my aunt supported my studies.

My mother cheated on my father and abandoned us all to him. The reason? Because whatever money my father is making isn't enough, and she's done with the life he can only provide.

My father is a hardworking construction worker but after knowing her reason he became devastated and drank his misery away, forgetting all of us. He still goes to work on and off. My eldest sister needed to stop pursuing her college degree to support us and our eldest brother.

Our eldest brother found a way to marry my high schoolmate, and I am frankly disappointed with his decision. He was in college in his second year when he got my sister-in-law pregnant. He was supposed to support me in college, and I was supposed to support the next person, and so on, but he messed up. Now, he ends up like my father. I completely dreaded love after that.

I didn't lose hope and went to college to pursue an engineering profession because a lot of people say I can make a lot of money if I finish it. My aunt still supported me because I have good grades. While studying I met Marvin. 'The guy every girl dream of'. It was when he started to join our class that he failed. He looks clean, and with the way he carries himself, he looks well off.

Out of nowhere during class, I caught him looking at me. And it happened so many times. And after awhile my friends became his friends and we grew closer and closer. And one day, it just happened. He was courting me, and I found his intentions real. All this time I resisted love, but I found myself falling in love with him. I gamble.

I graduated from college. I got my license after that. He was a little late by another semester. I went to Manila to work while he continued to finish his studies. He eventually graduated after 6 months and followed me to where I am living.

We rent on the same roof. Everything is going smoothly, and I don't want to ask for more. because all my dreams are becoming more real. I had someone who I could rely on. We have a bright future ahead of us.

And sometimes I still wonder about the relationship between my mother and my father. Sometimes I want to ask her why she got tired of us. Why did she leave us? Was it really tiring to love us? Was it really hard?

Until I found my answer five years later, Marvin and I had been together for eight years. But we are still nothing. We are both the same people from before. I work to help my family, he works for himself, but nothing has improved.

It was when our eight anniversary. I was excited to go home and cook for a celebration when I found him lying on the sofa, and it seemed he had taken a day off. Which, if she can remember, was his 6th time in the month. I stopped and felt the weariness and tiredness from all of the dreams we both know we can't do together.

I found myself asking him, "What are your plans? Where are we headed? He answers me like he doesn't know what he wants or what to do with his life.

I realize that he hasn't been serious all this time. He keeps changing his job. He stays at home whenever he wants because he doesn't support anyone from their family. He gets money from his family whenever he is short of it. I figured that this is not the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I want someone who dreams for us and is capable of handling responsibilities.

That day, I cried in front of him and told him my dreams and my fears. I told him we should take everything off and let ourselves learn from our different paths because we don't bring the best out of each other.

It hurts, but I don't want to be with a man like my father, who is not responsible enough to support his children when everything is going down. Who chooses himself, his loss, and cannot get up every day to face all the struggles for us.

Currently, after two years, I haven't moved on yet. I still think of him and his whereabouts. But I knew that I would never come back to him. But still, I am hoping to find the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I would still be able to have the complete family that I dreamed of.

I finally understand why my mother left my father. Sometimes love isn't enough. However, her leaving us behind became the reason for who I am today. It has wounded my whole being and will hunt me forever.