A lost soul (I)

This is a work of fiction

*****

Sa bawat mumunti kong ginagawa,
Walang sandali ang di kita naalala
Mga pagkakataong sinisisi ang sarili,
Sa bawat maling disisyon na nagawa,
Mga tanong na hindi na kailan masasagot,
Mga paano kung, paano kaya,
Paano kung hindi kita naiwala,
Naging mas madali kaya?
Naging mas mahirap?
Pero isa lang ang sigurado ko ngayon,
Dala mo ang pinaka malaking parte ng pagkatao ko,
At kahit anuman ang gawin ko,
Hindi na yun mapupunan pa.

*****

I know how cliché my story is, and maybe others might have grasp what had happened from the very beginning. Well maybe it is what it is. Was it normal that you thought it was cliché? Truly I hated the word normal. I don't blame you for anything good you have right now, but of course I blame my biological parents who had me, but left me surrounded with kids who are like me. Left as an orphan. I grew up asking where and who I come from. While others were asking who created people, I was wondering around who made me? Why I am here? Whom shall I imitate? What should I do here?

Growing little by little, I wonder what it looks like outside those great white walls surrounding the orphanage. I grew up fast until I was 8, I know how to read and write and I am ready to be with the so 'called' family. I was sure I wanted to stay inside the orphanage but I was very curious of what life awaits me outside. Was there big roads? More food, not only eggs and milk? More meats? Or do I get more oranges? Can I run there better? I was filled with hope and fantasy.

But all that was kind of messed up. The foster parents I got, were old almost retiring. But I am more than thankful that I could ride a jeepney and I feel like I am like every body else. Unchained. I learned how to cook and find more warmth in the house. To be honest I have found a direction and though I don't know what the future holds. I was more than ready to face it.

I grew up fast and fast while taking care both of my foster parents until they both died from a car accident. I had nowhere to go. I was just 18 then, the true family of those who raised me claimed the house where I live in and set me aside.

I was sad. Very sad. I believed I had a home and a family and all of the sudden it was all gone. I was left alone again, questioning my existence, my purpose. I had no people to rely to and people who'd rely on me. I lost direction. I realized one thing; everything was just temporary.

It was hard gathering all my wits but eventually I did. I visited the orphanage and look around those pretty walls, thinking they weren't that tall enough huh. And the population of kids inside is growing. And I hated the mere idea of the word 'growing'. It means a lot of Mother can and willingly endured to let those kids alive and left them on the hands of the sisters in orphanage. That was very selfish. I couldn't stay there anymore, eating the food that the kids needed more than I do.

I am still glad, I have learned something from my parents, they have raised me well and one of the teaching they would repeatedly told me and would always lecture was, I needed to finished my study and thats all the thing that they could give me and that would remain as long as I exist. Knowledge. Which was even hard to earn. I needed money for the projects and activities. I had to find a home. Food. And everything I needed to continue to live.

I was more than thankful to Sister Stella who had refer me to an agency. Hiring for a decent maid. And I am glad I qualified. I had a free home in the house and would study during weekdays (1-5pm) and work from 3am to 12pm. It was so hard, running a big kitchen, cleaning every dust on a big house while studying. I know I'll get by, but sometimes I was hoping a different life, easier than this. In my holidays, I let myself imagine, daydreams about the future. I was lying on a smooth and bouncy bed listening to a mellow music. And just clicking on the food app on my phone, I could get the food I want and have it delivered. Live a simple life. Though I doubt anyone have it simple. Even in the house I worked with seems to live so complicated.

It was just a fine day when most of the guards and maids was gathered for an event that will happen on the house later tonight. It was my first time and I was tasked to served food on the visitor.

From then on, like just on movies everything went by so fast. I was too stupxd to forgot that even the value of gravity changes by units and everything moves with different speed. Most importantly I forgot that everyone leaves and things are just temporary.

In that crystal night shining around the function hall, I met Cris. I saw him standing 7 meters away from me, staring with admiration, from that moment our eyes lock for a few minutes. I feel warmth familial feeling inside me. And I thought he would make my life even better. So I hope. I just wish I didn't.

English Version of the poem above.

With every little thing I do,
There was not a single moment that I did not remember you,
And those were the times I would always blame myself,
With all the wrong decisions I've made,
Those questions that can never be answered,
Those what if, how so?
What if I didn't lose you?
Was it much easier?
Has it been harder?
But there is one thing I am sure of,
You have taken the biggest part of my being,
And No matter what I do,
Those voids,
That can never be filled anymore.