Sometimes I hated myself for being me

Do you also experience that sometimes you hated yourself for being you? Thinking about " I'm only like this" and can't even reach something that can be proud of. Feeling of being alone and no one can fully understand the pain inside of you. It really hurts right? Knowing that you can do better but you are afraid to try. Knowing that you are enough but sometimes you felt that you are so useless.

Now , I just lying on my bed. Thinking what I should write today but some realizations hits me that hard. I don't know but there is a time that I really hate myself for being me. I know that we should appreciate and accept our own flaws,mistakes and the fact that we are not born perfect but there is also a side of me that saying " I hate you self for being like that".

Here is the some of the reasons why I hate myself sometimes.

1. " I can't say "NO" to others especially for those who needs my help"

I admit but sometimes I really want to say " NO" but I am dominated by my own conscience. Everytime, there's what it's in my mind like

" What if I'm only the one who can help him or I'm only the one he trusted the most?"

" What if something bad happened to him because I didn't help him?"

" What if I regret later for not helping him?".

Those are basically what on my mind everytime I have a dilemma to help or not to. Actually, some of the people surrounds me also warned me that I should know my limitations , where and when to help because it might be my weakness as well. Some of them also said that helping others must be a choice rather than a responsibility because not all people deserves our help. Also they are afraid that others will abuse me because I'm too kind and always willing to help. Honestly, I'm also afraid because of what they said to me. Now, I'll try in saying "NO" but I can't resist because still I end up helping whose in needs. I actually hated myself for being like this.

2. I always tend to say "I'm okay even I'm not".

It's also a problem for being myself. When someone ask me if I'm okay, I always said "I'm okay" but deep inside I literally want to cry. I just don't want to bother my family and friends on my problems and I don't want to bother myself to explain everything to them. Sometimes, I just talked to myself " Hey self you are someone's strength ,so you don't have a right to become weak". I know that it's sounds too harsh to myself but I prefer to keep my problems than telling it to others.

3. I'm so harsh to myself physically and mentally

Yeah, sometimes I overworked myself especially when I have too much activities that need to do. Most often, I only have 3-5 hours of sleep and that's the reason why sometimes I experiencing headache and body pain. I also overthinking too much that's my mind can't rest a bit. I admit that I'm worrying about what might happen in my future even I'm still struggling living on the present. I'm not happy for it because I end thinking it again and again.

4. I can't move on about my past

If you read some of my articles before, you might be aware that I have a CYNOPHOBIA because of what happened to me when I'm 2 years old. And I literally want to overcome this trauma of mine. Aside from it , I hate celebrating my birthday. It's obviously because my Auntie Mommy and my childhood friend died the same day as my birthday. I don't know why but sometimes I blame myself to it for no reason. I want to remove the guilt and I also want to move on about it but it the word "unlucky" always appear during that day.

5. I hate myself for doing nothing

It's not only about my laziness or what, I just felt that I need to do something but end up doing nothing. I waste my time doing nothing than improving myself . Thinking about that me , myself and I is not enough to accomplished all of that. My mind always said " Oh self come on, let's do better today" but my body answered " I'm tired ,maybe next time". And it actually getting on my nerves because my mind and body won't cooperate.

Closing Thought

It literally takes time to realize all those things that I listed above. I do hope that someday I can proudly said to myself that I overcome it all. I'm not degrading myself here, I just want to admit that sometimes I experiencing that hatred within me. I actually do some little steps to overcome it. Hope that you are not experiencing that too but if you are, I just want to said that " We can let this hatred to become our strength in the future". Let's be still motivated even on those kind of times.

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