Reading my Old Diary again
Good evening dreamers!! How's everyone here? Hope that you are doing great despite on the uncertainties and struggles we've been encountered today. I know that it's really hard to deal with fully sched, so I hope that you still find some break time to rest. Don't push too hard, don't overworked yourself. I know that achieving goals is important but your health is much important so prioritize it.
Since I was bored and the internet connection is very poor here in our area, I decided to clean my room and fix my old stuffs. Once in a while when I visit in the province, I make sure that I can clean my room. As expected, it's so dusty and very messy. Am I the only one who demands to be organized even my stuffs is also messy? Lol. So I continue cleaning and throwing those stuffs that is unnecessary. To be honest, I like keeping old stuffs especially that if there's a sentimental value. I saw the letters that came from my friends before and even the printed pictures that they used when they surprise me on my 18th birthday in school. In a sudden, I mesmerized the moments that day when I already know about their surprise but I still pretend that I am totally shock. Even though, I appreciate their efforts for that.
I'm almost done on fixing the two boxes full of my stuffs and I was supposed to put it under my bed but suddenly there's a one notebook who fell down. It's my journal when I was Junior High School and when I open it, I was laughing because the first part is all about my crushes. The time when I met my crush, talked to him and so on. Am I like this before? It seems that I'm so much kilig before haha. It's so cringe to read like this, I totally forgot that it is my journal. It seems a different person who wrote that one. But on the latter part of the journal, it seems that I switch into serious mood. From being in love to be a dramatic one. Maybe, it is the time that I already stressed on acads and I gradually understand what life is all about. It is also a time when I started to be matured enough so maybe, I took life as a serious matter since then. We can laugh but we should not take life a joke time.
Maybe surviving today is already enough for me to rest. It's so tiring yet still I can't say that I'm satisfied with the ending.
I can't recall this day but maybe I'm just so exhausted and drained. But just like before, sometimes I also said to myself that surviving this day is already enough,at least I tried my best to accomplish something. Sometimes even we want to work something within a day, we can't because our energy is already dozed off and there's a thing that can't obtain within a day. Just like our goals, not all of them is achievable within 24 hours, sometimes it took some time and have a process before we finally get it.
If I only knew that thing would happened, I'll never leave besides them. Now that they are gone, it seems that my other half also passed away.
It is one day after my birthday and for those who can still remember, it is one of the reason why I don't want to celebrate my birthday. My birthday is the same day that my two best friends died because of suicide. It already a years but it still haunting me. I felt guilty because I'm not there besides them when they needed me the most. I hope that they already find their peace now. I imagine that if they are still alive, maybe I am not stressed just like this. I have a lot of friends but those two is one of those friends that I can trusted the most. Sadly, they already bid their goodbyes long time ago.
You did a great job self, you able to achieve a high grades and once more, you can go on the stage with pride again. But I'm not happy because I know that you walk there alone again.
Maybe it's our recognition or moving up, I don't know the exact occasion here but I know for sure that I am alone receiving my awards again. I'm not mad om my Mom because I know that she is busy on her stuffs and she also needs to attend to my younger brother's recognition too. I always let her to attend to my brother first and she sometimes late on me but it's okay since I once experience having a parent. I also don't want my younger brother to experience that thing. It's not. big deal to me, at least we both excel and do well on school.
Papa went home. He also promise that he tried to lessen his drinking habit. I'm happy because he at least go back to healthy living.
To all of the journal that I wrote before, I guess it is one of the saddest yet hit different on me. Since that day, he keep his promise and he avoid to drink alcohol only if there's a special occasion. He also totally quit to smoking that time. That's why we are so happy because he also gain some weight that time. But the world seems want to hurt us once again. After two years, he suddenly feel ill and we rush him into hospital. That happening is so fast, all I can remember is when the doctor said to me the time of death. I'm only alone that time because my Auntie and sister buy something. And you know what, he died the exact date when I wrote this journal. He died on 6/25, is it a coincidence or it is already a sign? Aacck, I miss him so much.
I only wrote here some of the parts of my journal since I am so shy haha. And for sure, when you read the first part of it, you can probably think twice if I'm the one who wrote this because I'm like this. And sorry if I put the dramatic part because I feel like I want to have some drama tonight lol.
Thank you to every dreamers who keep supporting my journey here. Thank you for the endless motivation and advices you give to me. To every sponsors, readers and commenters, Thank you so much!!
There is a feeling for me too that I need to survive this day because if I fail today, it will affect the rest of the coming days. Hard to be mentally present all the time. It causes me burnout. Take a rest if you need one.