I was here again at the darkest part of my room. I just want to hide here just like want I used to be. I don't know what happened to me lately but some realizations had always slap me so hard. I want to believe that everything will gonna be alright but on the other side, I also know that it's really impossible.
I couldn't hold on anymore but just to cry until the last drop in my eyes. My brother chatted me and asked me if I'm okay because he notice that I'm not that active on the socmed anymore. I just said to him that I'm busy to my acads and I'm busy finding my peace. I know that they are not used to that kind of me because I always chatted them and always shared some memes in my socmed. But honestly, I don't have an energy anymore to do so. I just want to lay on my bed 24 hours while overthinking random things.
But it's not the reason why I'm crying right now. I can't find a problem with that instead I'm happy not to engage more to socmed because sometimes it's becomes too toxic for me. But I'm crying because of my Mom. My brother also chatted me that he saw our Mom silently crying in the middle of the night because she missed Dad. I can't imagine the pain and sadness that our Mom have because of that. It's been a year but I know that it's still fresh in her heart and mind. Daddy is the first and the last person my Mom love. I was also mesmerize on their love story before. Just like other couples out there, they are not perfect and sometimes they tend to have misunderstanding. I've witnessed that scene sometimes but they still choose to fix that because they love each other.
Since my Dad gone, I know that my mom just choose to be strong because she wants us to move forward even it hurts. She is trying hard to move on but she can't. She smile and laugh so hard in front of us whenever we have video call but I can saw in her eyes the pain that she shouldered on. Her eyes can't never lies. She's still broken inside. Because honestly , I feel the same way as her. I also lost the only man that stay besides me since then. I want to hold him tight so he can't walk away from me. I didn't do that because I can feel that I need to set him free, so even it hurts I give it to him. Earlier I saw our picture in my wallet and I couldn't help myself but to cry. I really missed my Dad. How I wish that I can still see him even it's just a glimpse. I really really miss my Superman.
So, I compose myself and called my Mom. I dont want her to think too much about me so as much as possible I smile at her. I said that I'm okay ( even I also broken) and I tend to throw some jokes to her. We end up laughing together but the moment I said to her that I want to hug her right now, she can't resist but to cry. She said that she reminds me of Dad because I look like my Dad and my attitudes is also like him. I said sorry if I can't get a chance to go back there because of the restrictions but I promise that I will go there again once everything is okay this Christmas. I also missed my Mom. I also promise to her that I will study hard this sem so she and Daddy will be proud of me.
To avoid too much crying session, I decided to end the call. I said that I will call the other day. But my tears seems to have their own decision because until now, they are still falling. Just for tonight, I want to be honest with myself. I just want to release all the burdens and pains that I keep for too long. I just go show to everyone that even when I'm broken inside, I'm still gonna be okay. I'm choose to be okay because I need to. I'm okay and I know that I will be.
It was actually happened last night and I don't get a chance to composed this properly so I choose to published Tagalog last night. Now, I finally find a courage to share it to you. I share it here because I have no one to talked about it and I don't want to add up to my Mom's emotions. Her pain is too much to handle that's why. I'm sorry if I make a drama this night. But please allow me to just for tonight.🥺🥺
Even so, I still want to greet you a good evening. Hope you are doing well and still kicking. I also hope that you also find a courage to release the pain you have. It's okay to cry sometimes, we are just human after all. But after this tears, make sure that you will choose to Stan again okay? Me and you have a long way to go. So just keep on pushing. 🤗
I am so sorry for what happened. It is part of life and it is okay to cry and cry. We are human beings and so it is normal to cry. I feel empty too for the last days and I do not know what is missing... I hope your mom will be okay, and I know for sure she will.