Is it really the right time to Move On?

Good evening dreamers!! How are you? Despite on the struggles and challenges you've encountered today, I hope that you can still able to rest. Don't forget to prioritize and take care your health. Don't be too hard on yourself because you push your body to the limits. Take a break if really necessary.

I just realize that we are already in a midway of August. I didn't notice it because I really don't want to remember the date. Since it is August, meaning my birthday is coming in just few days but I'm not excited on it nor I didn't look forward to it. Of course, I am grateful for another years being alive in this world, receiving a tons of blessings everyday and giving another chance to be with the people who I love the most. But this day also gives me the biggest heartbreak in my life. I already shared that it is not only one but three person who is so close to me died on the day of my birthday. What a memorable birthday right? Before, I just celebrating my special day with them but now, I'm locking myself in the corner thinking about the good memories with them. I already accept the fact that they are gone but I know to myself that I'm still not move on. There's a part of me who blaming myself because I can't do anything to save them in that day. I feel like I am a useless friend to them. So instead of celebrate that day as my birthday, I remember this as the death anniversary of the three souls who became my angels now.

You can't fully set yourself free if you are still holding back on the past.

I always heard that phrase to my family everytime they see me murmuring and crying over and over again. I'm not at fault they say but I feel like I commit the biggest regrets in life. If only I am with them during that day, maybe I can save them. Maybe they will not choose to end their own life. On the other hand, I want to let go all of the pains that I have for the long time. But I don't know where to start. It already been years but here I am still living on the past. I'm still stuck myself on those days. I want to set myself free but I'm afraid if I can really make it or I will just end up hurting myself again. Actually, I already tried it before but I will end crying because the memories with them is still playing at my mind.

But there is someone who said to me earlier that " If you choose to move on, it doesn't mean that you will totally forget about them. It is just that you allowing yourself to accept what happened to them and to continue your life without bringing the guilt you have. It's not your fault and even you blaming yourself, nothing will change". This makes me to think if it is really the time to move from the nightmare I have during my birthday. Do I have a right to move on and live my life freely. I realize that he is right when he said that I cannot change the past even I cried all my tears. But it is really hard to do so. I hope that I can overcome all this pain and finally move on from this pain. Unlike before, this time if I can,I want to remember those 3 person with a smile on my lips. I know that they don't want to see me crying again because of them but I can't really stop it now. If I could only hug them one more time, I will grab that opportunity for sure. Ate @Jijisaur is right, it is really hard when you have a heartbreak during your birthday, it is always be remembered. Are they really want me to myself free? Are they really happy watching me? I hope so.

And earlier, my Auntie reminds me that my birthday is coming and she asked me what's my plan. I just shrugged to her because I literally don't have a plan. Just like in the past year, August 29 will be an ordinary day for me. Maybe, I will spend my whole day sleeping or reading a book. Yeah, I think about moving on but I believe it is a process. I can't do this by short of time. If I really want to move on , I think I need to prepared myself. But for now, I just let the time decide the right time for m to be fully healed from the trauma I got during my special day .

Appreciation!!

Thank you dreamers for keep supporting me! To my awesome sponsors, readers and commenters, thank you for always motivating me to do better. Your presence is a big part of my journey here. Have a great night ahead and good night!!