I'm not just a Mistake

"I didn't choose to live in this world but the world choose me to be part of it." But at what part of this miserable world should I belong? I can't figure out this by myself. I tried to fit myself to every corner but it seems that I'm not suitable for it. Who would want to be with someone like me? I'm just a mistake after all.

"You didn't deserve life because you are just our mistake. A mistake that we want to forget and remove from our life". I can't forget that word because it came from the most important person to me. It's my mom. She blame me for the bad things that happened to her even I don't have a direct connection to that problem. She blame me because my father leaves her when he knew that my mother is pregnant to me. My father can't take the responsibility to have a child in a young age. They only 17 years old back then. According to my mom, they didn't expect me because they only want to have some fun. Fun ? But look at me now , it's not funny at all because I suffer a lot because of them. I actually didn't blame them because I know that they are on their teenage years back then and they are curious about several things but sometimes I can't hold back my feelings because of it. My father didn't hesitate to leave us because he have a dreams that wants to fulfilled without any hindrance like me.

My mother is very vocal about her true feelings about me. She always said that she should abort me since then but her mother ,my grandma stopped her because she believes that I have no mistake about what happened. She's right ,it's my parents negligence. My grandma is my only friend so when she died, my life becomes a total mess. I'm only 10 years old back then when it happens. Everyday, I feel like I'm no longer part of the family. My mom treats me as nobody. She always scolded me because she doesn't want to see my face. Every time I cried in front of her , she always hit me and said " I was the one who should cry because I can't live my life happily because of you". It's very painful but I need to endure it.

I remember when she have a visitor on our house. She never let me to greet the visitor or she never bother herself to introduce me to her friends or relatives. Instead, she locks me on the room and I can't eat and can't go out until their party is done. Yeah, I'm always locked up on the dark room and I always begging her but she refused to listen. According to her, I don't deserve to be recognize as her son because I'm only a big big mistake. That time, I'm sure that she never loves me. I need to be tough and strong in order to survive. I need to wipe my own tears, I need to cure my own wounds, I need to hide my feelings because I don't deserve care and love. Myself is the only one who can give that to me.

I thought I can endure all of that but I'm wrong. I can't no longer hold this anymore. That time, my mom was so drunk and she slap me hard. She never contented to that but rather she also pour me a hot water in my face. I know that she was at me but I never imagine that she will go to that far. She even said that I should get out from her life because I'm a mistake. She pushed me outside the house and then she locks the door. I'm just a kid and I don't know where should I go. I crying so hard and I'm begging but it seems that she already decided to remove me from her life. After that night I talked to her. Maybe she just drunk that night but her decision is still like that. She touches my face and said that " You look handsome with that face. Burn". I replied " Mom please I will good to you" but then she said " I'm totally good without you". then she left. I was left behind. Everyone's leave me because I'm just a mistake. I don't have a choice but to find a place where I can fit myself in.

I was walking like I'm totally a lost kid. Actually ,I'm just a kid so it's suit me well. Until I reach the cathedral. I don't know why but it seems someone is pulling me to go inside to that church. I was still crying and I sit to the chair while crying. I prayed too hard and then I feel that someone is hugging me back. I opened my eyes to check then I saw the priest in front of me. He smiled at me and asked me why I'm crying. I told him everything then he offered the church to be my home from now on. I was so surprised back then because I didn't expect that my prayers will be answered immediately. From that time , my church becomes my home.

I also becomes the servant of the church. I finally find my true home. The home that I can feel the love and care that I want. They also let me to study in school and to choose what career path do I want. But because I'm too glad and honored to meet them especially Father Arnel, I decided to be a priest so I enter to ministry. I want to be like him, a man who can be a inspiration to everyone. After a couple of years, I finally became a certified priest. If you are wondering if I have a news about my parents, yes since that day, I still remember and watching them. My father died a year ago because of cancer. I didn't get a chance to talked to him but I already forgive him. While my mom, she have a new family and I don't have a courage to talked to her because I don't want to bother her happy life. It seems that she lives the life that she totally wants.

This day is my first time to handle mass. I have a mixed emotions, a happy and a little bit nervous. I saw that there is so many people inside the church waiting for the mass and I don't know if I can overcome it. Until Father Arnel tap my shoulder and said " God is with you ". Yeah he's right , I should not be afraid because since the beginning of my life , God never lets me down. I believe that now is my turn to be an instrument of Him. While I'm speaking , I'm happy that most of the people have their focus on me. It seems that they wants to listen me well. " No one is born as a mistake, You are not a mistake , I'm not a mistake. All of us is not a mistake. Maybe some people treat us that way but God never treats us like that. He put us to this world because we have a purpose in life. A purpose that we need to fulfilled. Remember that life is not about commiting a mistake but instead a chance to get the lesson from it. "

After that homily of mine, someone's caught my attention. A lady who is crying. My mom is there crying like a kid. I can see on her eyes that she was sorry and proud to me. She waited to me after the mass. She can't look me at the eyes but my body suddenly hugged her. I missed her so much. She suddenly cried because of that. It's my first time seeing her like that.

" I'm sorry for treating you like that before. I'm sorry if I don't see you as my son. You don't deserve me as your mom". She said to me while crying deeply.

"No, I still deserve you to be my mom. Even though that our memories with each other is not good, still no one can replace you as my mom. Thank you for still giving me this life. I already forgive you Mom and I'm happy that I saw you living with a happy life." I said while hugging her and then she leaves with her family.

" I finally found my Peace" I said to myself while looking above.

Hello dreamers , how's your day? It's been a busy lazy day for me haha. I just want to rest and rest. I honestly don't know why and where my mind gets this fiction's idea. Haha. Maybe I still can't get over to my Sakristan crush but unfortunately he have a plan to enter to ministry hahaha. So ,I guess I need to find another crush lol 😂🤣. Keep safe especially that the weather seems too cold. You should have a blanket especially when you don't have a boyfriend to cuddle you😂 Thank you for the loves and support 🤗🤗