If I Die Today, Don't Cry!

If I die, would you cry?

Would you remember those happy moments that we've spent together?

Would you tell about me in your future family?

Would you still visit me in my tomb?

Would you miss me?

Would you still love me the same?

But If I die today, Don't Cry!

This is the topic that I'm scared to discuss and I avoid to hear. To be honest, I'm not afraid on death because I know that everyone will gonna die in the right time. But I hate to talked about it when my Mom and my grandma is the one who open this matter. They always asked us if we would if they died today? Of course who wouldn't right? I believe that even we have a misunderstanding with them sometimes, still we will gonna cry when they left us permanently. Especially me that always searching for my Mom when I'm here in our house in the province. I was asking my siblings " Where's mom? Where did she go?" Then when they didn't respond, I immediately searcher her on the entire house. I don't know if I am the only one who makes this but I feel like I am safe when I'm with her. Same goes with my grandma because I also very close to her especially that I'm living with her now.

The other day, my grandma also open up this topic and asked us the same question. Even her children don't want to hear that question because they don't want that to happened. As long as possible, we want to be with her. She asked her grandchildren if they will gonna visit on her tombstone once they gone. And we are jokingly answered that we only throw her corpse in the Pasig River haha. We only said this because we don't want to have a heavy drama again. Before everytime we talked about it, my Auntie and Uncle will started to cry and overthink what might happened.

The she uttered " If I die today, Don't cry". She even mentioning me because according to her, I am one of the strongest ( emotionally)grandchild she have. She said that once she left us, she wants me to be strong for the whole family. I feel like that I carry a big responsibility on that day. But how can I manage not to cry? Did she even forget that I cried a lot when my Dad died before? But she keeps telling me not to cry. I said to her that I will bring a clown on her funeral so no one will cry and that day will full of laughter. My grandma is a natural joker and she always want us to smile. She got mad when our face is so serious. I guess I got that attitude to her, I always joking and keep smiling even I'm already annoyed haha.

Go back to the topic, she said that I should not cry on that day because she will also cried. She don't want to leave on Earth knowing that her children and grandchildren is sad. She wants a happy farewell to be exact. She also reminds us that we should flashback those happy moments with her so that we became happy on that day. " Let go of me and move on as soon as possible. You should not let to lose yourself when I'm already lost in this world". It already days ago when she said it but it still running on my head. She also said few words seems like habilin to me. On the other hand, I'm so scared hearing that. I don't want to hear that because I feel like she already saying goodbye to me. In an instant, I change the topic into moderate discussion so I will not overthinking about it. I'm still not ready to face that day and I don't know when I will be.

Good evening dreamers!! How's the Sunday? Hope that you able to rest today since tomorrow is Monday again, meaning hustle and hectic day again and weekdays will be next to it. Don't overworked yourself, pause if you really need to. On the other hand, it's so cold here and I'm not used to it. When I'm Manila, I wished to have a cold weather but when I'm here in the province, it's so cold when the night comes. My back and arthritis attacked once more. But I think I can manage it.