I hated myself for keeping the Silence
Good evening dreamers!! How are you? This is the last Friday for the month of July and three steps forward, we are moving to another month. I hope that you are able to get enough rest today. Don't overworked yourself okay? Take a rest if you really need to. We should not take advantage our health cause it is so important to have a healthy life nowadays.
Are you also hated yourself for keeping the silence when you know that you need to say something but you still choose not to? Because am I. I admit that sometimes I hated myself for being silence when I know that there's something wrong on my surroundings. I hated when I convince myself that it is not my problem anymore but deep inside, I am guilty for not uttering anything. I know that I don't want to be involved to certain issues especially that I know that it could be hurt someone but real thing, silence can be a killer too. My thoughts, what ifs and my own mind kills me because I am so silent for the long time. I need to let go of it, some of the things that I know because if not, it will explode.
When someone asked me if I know anything about it, I just say No even I am aware about everything. I know that I am somehow a liar for that and I don't be like that. But for some reason, I don't want to be the first one who talked about that topic because just like what I've said, it's not my main problem. Remember when I shared that there is someone who courted my cousin and she seems to say Yes to him even though she already have a husband. Yeah I know about that and from that day, I distant myself from her. It seems now that her husband already about that affair and she asked me if I know anything about it. What should I do? Should I still keep my silence or should I already said to him everything? But I am afraid to do that because my cousin should be the one who tell everything. At that moment, I don't know if I will runaway, I can't even look at his eyes because of the guilt I feel inside. It's not my fault but why I feel that I am the one who did that cheating.
I hated myself when I am in the situation that I need to keep the silence even though I want to stand for myself. For once, I want to protect myself from the baseless accusation they had with me. But I'm afraid because if I talk back, I will be the one who will becomes bad. They will accused me for having no manner to them. Should I always be like this? Should I keep my silence because they are elders and I'm just a kid? They treat me as if I didn't understand anything. For once, I just want to let go and tell to them that I know everything. I even know that they talk back about me, that they gossip about me. But I'm so helpless because I just stay and keep my silence.
I hated myself when I keep the silence when I know the answer. I want to raise my hands and spill the answer but I am afraid that I got a wrong answer. I know that we should not be afraid to try but there are some professor that will ashame you once you said the wrong answer. They will make you feel that you didn't learn at all. I already encountered that kind of profs, yep they are many to mention. One of my classmates said a wrong answer and she laughs and even judge my classmates countlessly. The next following days, that prof called that certain student again and she remind about that wrong answer and laugh again. See? I don't think it is right. If I only have a guts, I will make that prof to realize that she is wrong but we are all keep our silence because we heard that the prof is the executive assistant of our Dean so she can't manipulate once we take an action about it. But I hated myself for just being silent.
When and where should we keep the silence? And when is the right time that we should already break this silence? I am getting lost for somehow because I can't figure out everything in my mind. I just a small kid but I'm become problematic because of this. I don't want to think too much because I might be look old haha. But I can't also avoid to think about this matters. Only me can know when should I speak from being silence but I need your advise when is the right time.
I write this one a week ago when I'm still furious about my thoughts. But now, I'm okay and I realize that I should keep my silence but not always. But I still want to hear your thoughts about it, I just publish it tonight so I have something to write here haha.