Another Miserable Birthday

It's exactly 1AM when I woke up because of the loud noise that I didn't know where it came from. I saw that they were all still asleep. I decided to go down and then I saw their surprise for me. Ohh , I forgot ,this is my birthday today. I didn't realize because I wasn't excited for my birthday, in fact I'm too scared when it comes. Unlike others, I don't want a surprise. I don't want a party. I can't help myself but to sit on the corner while crying there. I almost cried for about 3 hours cause I know that my Tita will woke up also. I don't want to bother her because of my drama. So, I go back to the room even I'm still feel uneasy.

Why I'm afraid to my birthday? It's simply because it's unlucky day for me. I don't know if it is a mere coincidence. It's all started when I was 13 years old. That time I'm super excited to my birthday. I'm excited to blow the candles and wear a red dress. It's August 28, one day before my birthday, when my Auntie Mommy surprised me to have an early birthday celebration. She prepares everything and even brought my favorite food. I also wonder why the celebration is in advance but of course I'm still happy because it's for me anyway. My auntie Mommy was with me the whole night and said that " I'm sorry if I can't make it tomorrow. Auntie Mommy will always loves you". I didn't get it actually until I fell asleep.

I really excited when I woke up on the next day but their reactions seems not right. I saw my whole family crying and they said to me that Auntie Mommy is gone. I said it's okay because she needs to go back to her work in Manila . But they cried even more and said that she's dead. I can't believe because she's with me last night. How come? But yeah, it's true that she's gone , she leaves me on my birthday.

August 29,2014

I'm not excited anymore because of what happened to my Auntie. I treat it as a normal day even my mom said it's a coincidence. Who would want to celebrate their birthdays if it also a death anniversary of your love ones right? But another unexpected surprised had happened during my 14th birthday. My childhood bestfriend had a motor accident and she was declared dead on arrival. Sounds funny right? It's happened during my birthday again. There is 365 days in a year. Why is this happening on my birthday? Do I deserves this? As my birthday comes, It's also reminds me the death anniversaries of two of the most special person on me. How unlucky I am right?

Many more bad things happened on my birthday. This is also my second time to celebrate without my Dad. I miss him because he is the first one who always said Happy Birthday even he knows that I don't want to celebrate it. I don't have an energy to celebrate it anymore. I just want to lock myself in the room and overworked myself. I do everything to make me forget that today is my birthday. Before , I go to school early and I went home late to forget my birthday. Now that I don't have a class yet, I only locked myself in the room doing some nonsense stuff . I cleaned the whole room then clean it again. Don't get me wrong but I'm grateful that God gave me another year to live , I even attend the mass earlier but I don't have a guts to celebrate it.

I even appreciate those people who send their birthday greetings but I don't have a strength to open it. Their surprises every year even I always wear a bare face. I tried to celebrate it but I can't. My mind can't. It really hurts. While writing this, I'm crying to death because I remember those people who leaves me on my birthday. Red is lucky during birthday right? But why red seems symbolizes blood during my birthday? It's been 7 years that I celebrate my birthday inside my room. Alone. Sad. Frustrated. Can we skip the August 29 at least once? Of course, it's impossible. I feel suffocated. Helpless. Worthless. I don't want also to become selfish because I know that someone is excited on this day.

Aside from that, I feel like that in my 21st existence , I don't have an achievement to be proud of. Why is it like this? It is also one of those reasons why I'm afraid of my birthday. I feel so much pressure everytime I think that my age is increasing. I'm pressured because some of my same age already achieve their goals while I'm still facing a rough journey of being a student. Yeah, I know that we should not compare myself to them but sometimes I can't avoid it especially when I'm sad. But I do hope that I can still achieve it soon.

Closing Thought

I'm sorry if this is a mess. I know that there is so much errors in this article. I'm sorry too if I become dramatic today, I just want to release this pain. I had no one to tell so I choose to write it here. And for those who treat this day as a special day, good for you. I hope that I can treat this day a special day.