Speak it up!

Last night, my girlfriend and I were happily discussing things through messenger until she brought up a topic I seldom talk about - politics. No, I am not apolitical. I have my personal preferences and standards in choosing qualified candidates, but I'd rather keep them to myself for various reasons:

First, as a denominational minister, I am mandated to be non-partisan so as not to influence the decisions of our adherents. We know that leaders are looked up to by the people and can influence people to do their bidding. We don't want that. We want people to exercise their free will, their wisdom, and their right to suffrage. What we must do instead is to provide proper voter education and biblical standards in choosing candidates.

Second, social media is already full of people fighting fiercely over their chosen candidates. It stresses me out, day in and day out. As much as possible, I'd like to keep my peace and sanity by setting up boundaries in terms of political discussions. It's not that I don't want to talk about politics. I only want to protect my mental health.

Third, I don't want to obsess over politicians like the fanatics I've been seeing on social media. I want to be objective, not see things through colored lenses. I'm weighing my choices. I believe that no one has a monopoly of wisdom and ideas, the same way that every candidate has a skeleton in their closet. Thus, I'm keeping my mouth shut for now. 

When my girlfriend opened up the topic, I felt unprepared. She was telling me things I don't have the energy nor the emotion to argue. I kept silent. She thought I was ignoring her, but the truth is I don't know how to respond well. Not being able to communicate myself has been my issue since I was young. To me, explaining yourself is a chore. I'd choose to be labeled wrong than prove myself right and expend all my energy and mental capacities. I don't give a damn.

But I'm glad she explained that keeping silent when I should be speaking up is a sign of immaturity. The silent treatment is for high schoolers, and we are way past that age!

Our conversation made me think about why I am too reserved with my emotions. 

When I was younger, my father would not allow us to watch TV in high volumes. Even when inside the house, we have to speak very quietly. He doesn't want to disturb our neighbors, he often says. But my mother told me differently. He grew up in the same absurdly quiet environment. They were not allowed to talk because the elderly would get angry. I am a victim of a parental blunder.

Another possible reason why I bottle up my emotions is that our relatives always look down on us. We can't argue because we receive favors from them. Growing up poor sometimes means abandoning your rights to avail yourself of some "kindness" even at the cost of your decency. I grew up thinking I didn't have a voice, not even a choice. 

Lastly, I saw my parents fighting for their rights but to no avail. Relatives exploited us and treated us like strangers. And when my parents fought back, it caused them pain. I saw their struggle. I witnessed the difficulties they've experienced. 

So I learned to keep silent.

I became an introvert not by choice but by circumstances. 

I keep only a few trusted friends. But even with them, I sometimes cannot confide a secret. 

Even when my mind shouts all the arguments and rebuttals I can think of, I still choose to be timid.

But enough of that, I guess. I need to grow. 

And the first thing I have to work on is my fear of speaking up. My girlfriend told me to freely express how I feel, be it anger or disappointment, frustration or joy. Not only is it liberating, but it is also human! I can't bottle up my thoughts and emotions forever. 

And after that conversation, I slept with a realization that I've been depriving myself of my voice. But I am safe now. Someone's listening all ears, sans judgment.