No Longer the Old Me
Saturday. I woke up earlier than usual, which is surprising because I felt too brokenhearted the night before. I struggled with God in prayers for Him to take the "cup" away from me. With a heavy heart but still clinging to little faith that I have, I muttered, "OK then, have it Your way."
I can't remember the time I fell asleep. All I know is that with all the confusion, tears, and fears running through my head, at least I should feel exhausted. I experienced this before, so I should know. Strange. But it feels good. Like a heavy burden was lifted off me.
I opened up the window and let a ray of early morning sunshine touch my face. A cool breeze followed. It's been a while since I noticed the dew on the leaves. I hear birds chirping from somewhere. And I see some dragonflies. Yes! Dragonflies! They say that dragonflies are indicators of pristine air. It feels like a treat! Today, nature is like an orchestra boasting of its spectacular performance. I am her privileged guest. I closed my eyes to enjoy the moment.
While listening to the sound of nature, my life flashed before me. For years I've been preoccupied with things concerning career, relationships, and personal image. It's always a juggle. I tried my best not to let any of the three falls to the ground. I worked so hard to make sure my life is in balance, that people will esteem me with high regard because I am tired of feeling inadequate, of being at the bottom of the food chain. Whenever there's a race, I do my best. Failure is not an option.
Until it happened. More than frustrated, I feel wrecked.
No liquor can make me forget, no substance can make me feel numb. I am at loss. Days turned weeks when I tried to patch things up but the more I try to make my own "fig leaves", they always burst at the seams.
Then with what seems a nudge from heaven, I turned to You. With just a mention of Your name and I broke down in tears. I crumbled inside. Broken. But as You said, I was broken because You plan to make me new. Not just a refurbished version. Not just an upgraded version. NEW!
I have questions. But I surrendered. I don't know where else to go. I've heard about You countless times before but I never took You seriously. It's a shame that I have to be too ransacked just to respond to Your call.
But still, with arms wide open, You embraced me. I am drenched in the dirt but You took me in, filth and all. You loved me in spite of my flaws, my shame, my sin. And that night, last night, when I gave my all to You, I felt peace. For the first time in my life, there's genuine peace.
And today as I listen to the sound of nature, I did not notice the tears falling on my cheeks. As I breathe in the morning air, I feel life restored in me. As the breeze kisses my moist face, I am reminded that You are dead serious with Your promises.
I opened my eyes - guess what, my problems did not magically disappear! But my fears, worries, and doubts turned into mere memories of last night. It's funny but as I take notice of the birds and the trees and the morning sunshine, I am greeted with "new mercies" for this morning. And tomorrow is another day for new mercies. And the day after tomorrow...
I graced the day with prayer and renewed hope. I am no longer the OLD me. I am NEW.
Image credits: Unsplash.com