life update

Sharing what I posted on Facebook here. I hope this ain't against the rules. My mind is too occupied to think of another thoughts to write. I also wanted to let go of the frustrations I have for myself. Sorry if this is not worthy to read.

I used our mother tongue in some of the lines here.

Here it is...

I've stopped living my life the way I used to for days—no, months. I can smile, but I am not happy any more. My friends and family are here, but they don't understand me. I tried to express my feelings and my fears to them, but all they would say was, "Imo ra ng huna2." Tbh, I have no idea why I constantly feel like I'm about to die. My fear of death has become so ingrained in my psyche that I think of it every day. Being unwell when you wake up is quite difficult. I have no idea why, but every morning my hands and feet are freezing. They eventually become so numb that I am unable to move them. The worst part is that my mouth numbs to the point where I can't properly enunciate a word.

Palpitations will follow and make the situation worse since I start to fear and think it's the end. I went to see a doctor, and she told me that this incident is anxiousness, or being fearful of the future. The doctor gave me medicine but I did not take even one pill for I don't want to be dependent with it. She also advised me to come back if I won't feel better because she'll refer me to a psychiatrist.

So that I wouldn't think about death often,I tried to apply for a job. God is so good that He gave me the job. Among the more than forty candidates, I was fortunate to be selected. My condition seemed to be improving since I started working. During the first week that I'm at work, I don't experience panic attacks. My thinking would, however, allow me to recall that I will die when it is time to return home.

There's this day when I feel like I don't have a purpose in life anymore that I want to die. I thought my work would really help me but I was wrong. In fact, my performance has been significantly affected, and I've even considered leaving my job. When my boss gives me instructions, I frequently forget what she says and have to repeatedly ask her for clarification. My attention to details has gone and I don't like it.

Additionally, I stutter when speaking to my coworkers and this creates miscommunication. Since I feel as though I don't belong there, I am genuinely too shy to approach them. I've lost my ability to function. My productivity has decreased. And each one of these is a result of my anxiety and panic episodes. I don't want to be like this. I miss me! I know this is very hard but I should be stronger. My daughter needs me. My family needs me. I know I am not alone. Laban lang jod tas mga panic attacks madi. Like karon bday sa ahong bayukems, aws jod nag enjoy kay ang huna2 naa ras death. Huhu! Pag uli, palpitate napod. Pero kebs ra, buhi ra gihapon. Bisan pag kada adlaw palpitate, buhi pa gihapon. That's why I realized that what I feel are all in my mind. My mind creates this and I should seek help from a psychiatrist because I can't win the battle alone. I am sure that I'll get better soon. Gimimgaw nakog tagay maong dapat ma ajo na jod ko! 🤣

I hope no one here experienced the same as mine. I don't want other people to suffer from any mental health because I know how hard it is.

Friends, please let us value our mental health. Be with people who matters. Eat on time and sleep on time. Above all, pray.

Ciao! ❤️