#12
It all started with a dream of becoming a Police officer, i would say a woman not holding a gun to scare people and show them that you is a respectable individual but a woman with integrity and has a heart to help people and maintaining peace and order in the community. Since childhood I really loved playing what they called ( barilbarilan) with the boys in the neighborhood, my brother who's not so supportive, he would not make me gun using banana petiole so i dont have any choice than to make my own toy for me to be able to join them. I still remember what i did to my past self to prove to my childhood friends that I'm deserving to play the role of Police Officer in one of our plays. I did wake up early help the house choirs, go to our farm and help my father of our rice field like to the point they would think I'm gonna be lesbian when i grow up. Thinking about that is not really that hard to me because i really dont know what are they talking about.
And time passed by, i did all the best i can to be that someone i dream of when i was a child. After those trials, circumstances, struggles and pain I got the opportunity to be one of the applicant of 2021. I was so excited back then, Region VIII is a huge place than i thought it was and from the municipality i was in, theres no other woman whos applying so without any hesitation, I searched in facebook Philippine National Police Recruitment Region 8 and i follow that page and i always read the updates and i think that time i really need to have friends because you know, I'm not that kind of a person who easily knows everything and also im ashame to ask and im super confused about the guidelines and etc. At first im hesitant to add or send request message to that someone who always comments on the fb page, but my perseverance push me to do that and so i started to send the message and i was so amazed because she replied so fast then call me "MATE" that was the first time i felt that im really on it, that im doing it. So then i asked her on some ways in application and so happen its her second time in applying, theres a step by step or process she said first she fail in neuro examination and all the queries that i have she answer it all, but she cant accommodate me all the time because her boyfriend would get Jealous because she said i really look like a man. She just add me on thier group chat so that i can still be updated and there i found new friends and they accepted me to the group (even if i dont know anything, I'm so happy love you guys imy all) and we talked about when can we meet so that we can plan all the things or the requirements so that we can perform or be included for the BMI( Body Mass Index). Then we meet, i admit i was so shy at first but they make sure that i cant be feel out of place. We went to St. Pauls hospital to have our RTPCR test because we need to follow the protocols and we cannot go to the Training place if we dont have that NEGATIVE results. After 2 days we meet again to get the result. The next day we woke up 3am to prepare everything and went to Police Regional Office 8. I was there and i feel like i already get the dream that i have from my childhood days, i saw lots of Police Uniformed people and the place where trainee should be trained, i feel thrilled and excited. Upon going inside we were instructed to run or jog, no stopping ofcourse they first get our rtprc results and our temperature, information and signature then start jogging until we get to their gymnasium, at that very moment i was so nervous, they gave us number for ourselves, i got NUMBER12 i am very much excited and to make what happened in that hour short I FAILED!!!.
Next thing i did, i smiled to all the people in the room and wait for my buddy2, i told them im okay because its normal and honestly im the one who's comforting to someone also that did not passed. I looked strong. I looked okay. I looked comfortable. I looked fine and i looked relaxed and crying is far from what I'll do. But Just imagine what I've been through. The only thing im thinking was MY FAMILY, how they'll react. Another dissapointment, i failed AGAIN.
The sound of the police officer seems like echoing and still freshed in my mind. Applicant #12 FAILED.
I thought I'm doing just fine, i thought im progressing that im leading to the path i have always wanted but i end up questioning it all, like why am i still in the same place, the same feeling where i started and im so upset because i felt like i didnt moved even a little. You envision your past self quite often and think they would be dissapointed, Somedays, I'll look ar my hands and wonder if all of my dreams still out of reach like as easy as i thought they are. There are times that i badly want to dissapear. Maybe that's life i guess, things doesn't always go as planned.
There comes a time when you realize that you're adding fuel to your sad thoughts by sad movies or songs and then you looked up to the sky and think maybe its time to let go, Stop mourning because no one cares how you do it, no one cares the process to be able to get or to become what you are now, they're just like the winning team, if u fail no ones gonna be there for you. As what i have read in a book intitled "The subtle art of not giving a fuck" said You cant be important and life-changing presence for some people without being a joke and an embarrassment to others. You just cant, because theres no such thing as a lack of adversity. It doesn't exist. The old saying goes that no matter where you go, there you are. Well, the same is true for adversity and failure. No matter where you go there's a five hundred load of shit waiting for you, and that's perfectly fine. THE POINT ISN'T TO GET AWAY FROM THE SHIT, THE POINT IS TO FIND THE SHIT YOU ENJOY DEALING WITH.
Don't let failure discourage you, i think its brave, its brave to just keep living. One thing i learned from that experience is that you cant get anything you wanted in just one go. Have faith and dont lose hope. I'm just so lucky to have a family who's being supportive and maybe their dissapointed but their not showing it to me because they understand my frustrations.
Reminder to all whos been trying to reach their dreams and goals in life, it doesn't mean that you failed today, you'll fail tomorrow, NOOOO, so you must keep moving.
A poem written by Edgar Guest 1921
*DON'T QUIT*
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will. When the road your trudging seems all uphill. When the funds are low and the debts are high. And you want to smile but you have to sigh , when care is pressing you down a bit- Rest if you must but dont you quit. Success is failure turned inside out, the silver tint of the clouds of doubt. And when you can tell how close you ar, it may be near when it seems afar, SO STICK TO THE FIGHT WHEN YOU'RE HARDEST HIT. It's when things seems worst, YOU MUST NOT QUIT.
You must go on adventure to find out where you truly belong- sue fitzmaurice
QUÉ- SERÁ-SERÁ❤️
