My First True Heartbreak

I never thought I would be feeling this kind of fear. A fear that instead of taking care something that I truly care, I would break.

It was two months ago when I lost a very special dog close to my heart. He's been with us for 5 years. It was long considering, but it was still short remembering all the times he's been with us. My Wakin (Joaquin). A co-worker which I consider a big sister gave him to me at a time I lost another dog I bought, just 4 months old. It was a miserable feeling. I cried all night and when she knew it, she offered a pup she got from her sister.

He was a big labrador-collie mix. The first time I saw him, I fell in love. It was love at first sight. And I didn't wanna leave him.

He's been my friend all those years, listening to my sad stories, my silent audience.

I love him so much. God, I love him.

But then all of a sudden he was taken away. Got hit by a vehicle just two months ago. Maybe my fault for not knowing and I wasn't there.

That day I saw him, lifeless, bleeding on his mouth. My world fell apart, my heart crushed. I didn't even notice the people taking videos of me in front of his body crying and the police talking.

A commotion of people and bystanders I didn't bother to care. Just the grim sight of my baby boy laying down on the street. I cannot process a thing, or what was happening. I was just looking at his eyes, his hazel brown eyes, where I would see a whole new world; his fur, I was rubbing his body, still soft and warm asking him to wake up.

"Please! Please wake up." I keep on asking, I keep on asking. "Why? Why did you go out? Why didn't you stay at home. Why?"

But nothing. He didn't move. He didn't breathe, nothing.

My brother shook me out of my agony letting me know the driver of the vehicle hit his head. He went to the hospital with the driver but I was angry.

Mad.

I even wanted to punch him in the face. He killed my boy. He didn't even say he's sorry. Even asked for money. Thick face.

We took Wakin home. My father carried him. He was heavy, he swung him in his shoulders and I just couldn't take it. I cried all night and didn't eat. I mourned so badly I just wanted the pain to stop.

Not going through all the details, we settled what happened. But I know in my heart, I will never forgive him. He took away something that has been a part of me for a very long time.

And this is now the point of my story, why I am saying that I am afraid.

I've got a new puppy. A Siberian Husky.

I didn't know why I bought him, may be to fill a space in my heart left by my big furry friend. Bode, a 2 month old puppy. Born a day after my Wakin passed. Now I hold him in my arms. And I'm afraid. Im afraid I'd lose him, too. That I can't take care if him. And I couldn't bear the pain. Not again. I realized I wasn't ready.

But there was happiness when I hold him and worry and doubt at the same time. Can I take care of him? What if he get sick? What if I'm just not lucky? Not to mention my lack of financial freedom to take care of such a breed. Hey, don't judge me. It's just I'm afraid.

I know I just have to take good care of him, give the best of life as he also gives happiness in return. Bode is small compared to other Huskies I've seen. Which adds to my worry.

But no one knows, right? Maybe it's just me, my anxiety talking.

I guess may be because I just wasn't ready but he's here now. I know should do my best to take care of him so he would be with us for a very very long time. And I would. I know I would.