Do You Believe?

Dont Get Pity...

My workweek just started. I was almost late Monday morning when I am feeling a bit weak and I am not so me.

Its a Monday, the 14th of November to be exact, but its like the end of the world. Just kidding. I was just not feeling okay as I need some help financially. Well, I was caught in the middle of darkness as payday just passes like saying "Hi". I almost get used to it. Working day and night and still it gives me all the headaches as payslip arrives.

As inflation fly high and how the crypto world dip goes, my world is like chaos too. With my salary not enough to feed us five. When the monthly electric, water bills and rental comes to date, I cannot be still and feel fine. Its like everything inside my head going to crash. Though I am proud that I am a bit strong to manage such in life.

Its Tuesday and I am not really feeling well more. For the past few days, my ear pained a bit intermittently. I just bear it and act normally. When Sunday came, the pain seem to come so often so I am thinking of seeing a doctor. Monday, it disturbs me a lot in work and at home and the following day, it feels like my body temperature seem to rise. Even if I can manage still to do my job, I am really planning to go to our company clinic.

Struggles in life is an experience something I know that others can relate. Perhaps those who earns much in their job cannot but please do not judge me. Just want to share what I cannot tell to my family and friends because I do not want to be judge at all. Here is my story.

I have a job, yes, I am a full time private employee of a manufacturing company. I have payday every month but the days that I have worked are already consumed earlier by us. Why? Because when I had an emergency CS (Caesarian Section) operation last 2013, we are in debt due to high hospital bill. Luckily hubby still have a job and when the youngest came still I got another another emergency CS since I almost lost oxygen for some hours of labor. Hubby decided to have the operation even our money was not enough. He said, we can find solutions for the money but not our lives. As the we both have jobs, we really plan so many things after paying our debts. But then pandemic hit and he was retrenched. While I am working us five, we also sell some homemade foodies timely and resell some perfumes. Of course, we have not much of a customer though lucky if someone buy 1 bottle of perfume.

It's really hard since we are miles away from our families. We need to move on our own, keeping my children knows some chores then. But it needs another person to pay to babysit my youngest child if hubby finds a new job. Before pandemic, we have some hard experiences from our youngest babysitters. Since both of us working, the baby left with the babysitter. Mostly the babysitter never give us advance information if she will not babysit. That makes us sometimes sacrifice our work and when I got notice from HR, my daughter sacrifices to babysit her brother just for us to get to work. Thank God we have survive that time and still my daughter grades in school was not affected.

Now, my family islands apart, think that my salary is big. Well, the truth is it isn't. They think that since the basic wage rate in where I am is higher from our hometown, I am living a comfortable life. Which is so wrong. At times, we do struggle and experience hardships. My family never believe that we sometimes skip a meal to cover some of our children's needs. That is why, I will not open up to them how hard our life was. My mother I know somehow felt me but I do not want her to worry. So when she was still abroad, we are happy to receive a balikbayan box filled with soaps,milks,pasta,corn oil and other basic needs at home. At least for a month or two, our expenses will be lessen.

However, I am not so open with my life to anyone. They never know how hard my life was or how I am today. Besides, nobody believes it because I always hold back. Just like one time a few days after I get back to work from my maternity leave, I borrowed 40dollars from a friend to buy milk. When I was about to go home for a lunchbreak, the money fell from my pocket. I notice it after a minute but when I went back to where it fell, everybody there denied seeing some bills. My world fall apart and I did not eat lunch because of that. That was the time, I will go to the pawnshop to pawn some of our appliance. Do you believe, I pawned our TV before many times just to survive. I even pawned a laptop,monitor,cellphone and never get it back anymore. It's our way of surviving than lending some money with higher interest and struggle more.

Now, hubby wanted to apply for some online job so he will be just home still. Though we still have to save for the 50meters cable wire to connect for a fast internet from a neighbor that offers us internet connection with a 10dollars monthly payment and 1phone free wifi connection. Its cheap right? I know they understand our situation and its there way of helping somehow. That is why no matter how dark are my days, I know there will be lights. I know there are good people around who never just look us down and judge us for struggling.

I always believe that there is always hope in everything. No matter how dark is the night, the sky have tiny lights to light upon. My life is somehow hard but there are others who have much worst than mine. So I just have to be tough and pray for more guidance in life. We just have to believe and never surrender.

📷 Images from Unsplash and Lead Image was edited through Text on Photo App.

Thank you so much for reading this far. Thanks for visiting and taking some time. I hope I can have more time so Rusty will have more reasons to visit me always.

Thank you so much for reading this far.