Today is a day to feel not to be okay.

A new day after about a 2 to 3 hours sleep only then another morning to fill in. Got to get up early and do the usual chores before work. Need to hurry a bit in order not to be late. This is my morning be like as always if I am on a dayshift working schedule. But despite a restless night, I often times have more energy to work and not feeling ill or dizzy at work.

Our body also runs out of energy at times. Even our brain says so, it sometimes not work at all the way it should be.

My body aches more these past few days due to my monthly period but manage to soothes myself and work normally. But today is different. I am feeling more ill. My throat seems to be scratchy and some blockage building my nose. My body really have a low immune level lately since I catch this virus and spread easily.

What turns out to trigger me is when I almost passed out infront a machine. I was just doing some adjustments of its recognition program then when I do the test run, I feel dizzy and close my eyes a bit and almost dozed off the machine. My goodness, that was too close, it gives me a chill.

Later at noon, I took my lunch rapidly and went back early to have some rest. I decided to take a nap at our resting area since I know that I will not make it later in the afternoon if I will not rest. So I really had some sleep and I remember I am having some dream. My sleep gives me a nice rest and luckily I never felt bad anymore today.

However, one of my break this afternoon give me a moment to be tearfully hiding my feelings within. I got a message and this makes me not to be more okay. I got teary eyes and hid from my colleagues. I wantes to cry because I want to pour out the heavy heart that I am feeling that time. Though working and personal matters needs to be attained separately. Thus I hid all of it and brought it home secretly.

Tonight, the kids and hubby are asleep. I was busy with my cellphone as if I am doing something. Yet I was replying to someone dear to me. Real talks and heart-to-heart talks.

"If I have some problem, I never blame anybody. Even if I have empty stomach, I will never use other people or their names just to get some benefits because I wasn't raised that way."

I know I have been through a lot and I am crying because it feels heavy telling all that stuff where it was just stored within me. Oftentimes, my problems are kept inside, I am very good at hiding such and denying what troubles me. Yet time likes these, I also want to shout out and cry. I want to walk under the rain and enjoy its downpour while i shed some tears.

Final Thoughts

There are more pain than smile in life. We are born to survive the challenges we will face each day. Thus crying is always okay and it is fine at times not to be okay. So can I cry under the rain? I just want to hid it still because being a mom, my kids won't some asking if I shed a tear or two. I am glad I have them yet crying also heals me when its heavy and unbearable. Now can I cry?

📷Images are mine and from Unsplash

Thank you for taking time to read.