Hello my name is Bryan and I`m struggling a lot. I`m alive for 22 years, does the definition of alive is “ a man that breaths?”, then yes I`m definitely alive. My heart feels so heavy and I don`t know why It`s like my heart is surrounded by concrete and it just can`t contract. I can`t eat and I can`t drink, It make me nauseous. I just want to bite my tongue so I can fill my stomach with my own blood. When I want to stand it makes me panic, it feels like I`m going to fall into emptiness and silence. I just want to close my eyes forever, will you help me? And by the time I`m ready to wake up will you be there for me?
I feel that the whole world is my enemy and everybody is trying to hurt me. I feel so afraid, I want to be alone in my bedroom until the clouds on my head past away. But what if it didn`t past away? What should I do? will I just embrace what is happening until I melt and nobody would notice? If I get swallowed by my problem then that would be nice.
It feel so cold and sometimes hot, its like I have a fever that every minute would rise. I want to go out but can`t, I can`t move my feet it feels like it is chained. I try to think something nice but my thoughts are blocked by anger and rage. Rage that I don`t know where it comes, fear that I don`t know about. It`s weird but it`s true, from the eye of the depressed I don`t want to see you.
I want to open up but I know what will they say, that I`m crazy and it is all just in my head. That`s why many poeople don`t open up because of those mentality and judgements. I`m so afraid to see a therapist `cause she might say I`m crazy, I`m afraid to take pill ‘cause it might suppress me.
The more I think something nice the more it worsen. I guess I don`t like lying to my self.
The demon is patting my back, whispering words that I don`t want to hear, I`m afraid that if I listen closely I might follow it. Hang my self, cut my wrist, take drugs, and become over dose. I love the darkness, I love the emptiness, I love the silence and the void. I love how I am lost into the woods. I love how the words in my head sharpen and cut my throat. I love the pain, I love the lie and I love everything that can hurt me when I`m alive. I want to bleed until I die, blood on the floor, I paint the grave stone red so you can see it a far. Those are the words in my head I don`t want to explore
How can I fight and survive this, when I can`t see the enemy but can definitely feel it. Inside the mind of the depress, so silent and empty but I know there is a consistent war that is happening. War that will shape, war I know that will never end but I will not give in. We are not crazy and we are not numb, I feel the same way as yours but our feelings were amplified a thousand times and we endure it until we can.
I will fight until the end, I will step out the woods, I will destroy the wall I have built. I will be strong because I know there are tomorrows worth seeing for.
The only option is to embrace your feelings which is you. 🍀💕👍