April 10, 2022

Have you noticed how the world is changing in a fast phase? how has our life become so different with a little amount of time? How does our tomorrow become so unstable and scary? Do we need to worry about it or just let it come to us and let it all happen?

I did not write for a long time, it is hard to get back to writing when you do or prioritized different things other than writing. It has been a roller coaster ride for me, I focus on finishing my college course, but it is taking so long. I'm getting a little impatience about all the things that are happening to me and around me. I feel that I am stuck in this cage and I know exactly where the way out but I am so hesitant to do it.

Since I become a college student, I push myself to not think about my dream and all the things that I want to do. I try to push myself to focus on my study because I know that many people including my family will benefit from it. In the first year of college, I just go with the flow and let it all happen. I know it is kind of my fault because when my mother said that I should take this course, I did not talk back about the real course that I want or what my dream was.

At that time I just think that it is for the best, it was the way that everyone will benefit and there is a big chance that I will become rich and help my family. It is true, that when I become a doctor I can be the breadwinner when I become successful. I can indeed give more when I earn a lot of money by being a doctor. But how about me?

Many years passed and nothing has changed, I am still studying this course. I tried many times to write and make music. But every time that there is an opportunity that will benefit my writing and music, I will immediately hesitate. There is a part of my brain saying that when I pursue writing and music there will be a big chance that my life will be unstable and I can't support my family. After a long day of thinking, I will just turn my back on that opportunity and continue to go to school as if nothing happens.

I know that talking about him is nonsense, you can say that I can always go out the door and abandon the ship that I am in. I tried it multiple times but there is always a part of me that is looking back and wants to help my family.

It is always hard to choose between two things that you value the most. But I think in the end, there is a time that you need to choose between those two. One of those two will become an anchor that will drag you down and down until you reach the bottom of the ocean. That one will impede the progress you want to see.

But you can always do everything in the middle without abandoning one of them, I think that is what I am doing right now. I am at the center of everything, trying to do what makes me happy and what will make them happy as well.