October 13, 2021
Today I woke up the same time I wake up every day, about 8:30 in the morning I will wake up and leave my bed around 9 AM. I know, this is not a good habit of me, and I wat many time in the morning special the only time in the day that the sunlight is healthy and feel so good in our skin. I set my alarm at 6:30 in the morning and I will immediately stop it once it alarm, many times I will feel bad doing this but, I don`t feel like waking up early and I feel so tired lately even I have much time to rest.
Still, I feel so unmotivated, and moving is hard for me as in the past days, my body feels so heavy and when I start doing things I need to do, I feel so tired in the first minute or hour I am working.
Today I decided to change my daily schedule, I swap the time of playing my guitar and studying. Yesterday I am studying in the afternoon until 6 or 7 in the evening, and practicing my guitar in the evening and writing here on reading cash from 12 AM onwards until I finished too. Today I decided to practice my guitar playing in the morning so I can do something I like in the morning and feel good about it and as the day progress I will do the things I needed to do. I do this swapping hoping that My guitar practice which is what I really want can lift the pressure and depressive stress that the college gives me.
But as you can see, nothing change I still feel so tired every day even I put much time resting like lying in bed browsing on different social media platforms. I try doing things that I love like playing guitar and cycling but the feeling is still the same.
Every day there is a shift in my emotions that is too far from the previous one, I don`t know why and how this is happening but it is happening quite often now. When I feel this kind of feeling I will just blame the weather or the season, saying that this time of the year, there is less and less sunlight reaching many people that is why there is a drastic shift of emotions.
But as this cold season progress, the feeling never left but instead, it worsen every day. It becomes uncontrollable and it shifts fast, like when I am talking to someone and our topic is very fun, suddenly I will feel something is wrong or I am not happy about the conversation anymore and I will hang up the phone and try to rest or sleep.
I don`t know if I am really tired or there is something deeper in it that is left to be discovered, But I am so afraid to dig deeper and search for some answer that I am not sure that I am ready for that answer. My girlfriend is always convincing me to go the therapy, but I think it is just me and nothing else. But as the days go by, I do some readings and I feel so bothered by all the articles I have read. The Symptoms are correct and well said, but there is a part on my mind telling me that I am wrong but also right.
This happens every day and I just embrace it until it goes away, This feeling or emotion, whatever you want to call it will leave me when in the early summer where the sun will start to show every day.
