October 12, 2021

Sometimes we all feel tired even we don`t do things all day, or even we just get out of bed. And there are many of us that do things that we are forced to do until we break and bleed and still they will try harder to force us. Until even the things that we once enjoyed will feel like it slowly killing us and we don`t know the reason behind it. Sometimes we feel the there is no reason for all the things that are happening around us, it`s like we pick our colors to color our brains with, and every time we try to color it differently, we choose the wrong color, and the result is always devastating.

This past week I always feel like that even I choose to take a break for 4 days straight and do things I love to do. I and my friend go cycling every morning for 2 days and we eat and relax in Tagaytay to unwind and let our brains take time to breathe. I stop writing here on reading cash for a while and enjoy my time, writing poems and songs for myself. And I spend my time watching youtube videos like music videos and guitar lessons. I always try to maintain my calmness and peace but there is always something wrong, there is something that makes me uncomfortable, at first I can resist thinking about it, but as the days go by I feel weaker and I have no choice but to give in.

After all the things I do for myself, I still feel the same, tired, unmotivated, and ready to give up everything in exchange for something I don`t know. I think many of us can feel the same way like we want something but we don`t know what it is, or we can`t feel something but we don`t really know what to feel. And then as we think deeper, we will be lost in our own abyss and we will take a long time to get out of there, so I think it is better to leave it close and far from our minds reach.

After all the pressure that they give to us and slowly marked and color our brains, there is no turning back for us, the only time it will stop is when we die or when we take a big step in our life to break free. First, it will destroy us completely and feel like there is no place to go, that all turn and dead ends or a cliffside that we can jump in any time. But as long as we try to fight, there will be a time, the right time that we can choose whatever color we want to paint our brains with. And when that time comes, we will feel true peace and we can do better to the things that we want, we can work better than before.

There are 10 million colors out there, colors with different meanings and values. it is up to us what to choose, and what we think is perfect for us. Pick for ourselves and not for the people's eyes that will judge us whatever we pick, every decision we will make will be wrong or right for them. Let's do our life for us, let us live our life the way we are happy and we are comfortable. There is peace when we try to color our brain the way we wanted because we lock our true self in the back of the brain and it will try to break free every time until we and ourselves will clash you will have a hard time knowing what is right or wrong.

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