This is one of the most exciting days in a while, I can feel that everything is different full of hope and light. I keep telling myself that it will be different and fine, that everything will go according to plan. I keep telling myself that I deserve this, that I work hard for it and this is the day that everything will change for me.
I did not sleep well last night, I am thinking about this wonderful day a lot. Today I will graduate from college, I am excited and ready for the day. I can feel that everything will be okay this day, I can feel that my whole family is excited to see me graduate and I am excited as well to let them see what is the result of what they work for.
I did not think a lot when I get out of bed, I just did my morning routine, eat and get ready for my big day. Before we leave the house my relatives stop by our house and congratulated me, I said thank you and we get going. I said to myself that this is the day that I will harvest all the things that I have planted, this is the day that I will chase my dreams and when I get it, I will never let them go for the rest of my life.
We all have a dream of our own that we work so hard every single day to achieve, there are some barriers and challenges along the way, but as long as we like and love what we are doing, it will never be so hard for us. It will be more challenging and happy to do and when we finish it, it will be so satisfying that we are searching for more of it. Those are the words that keep circling around my head this morning.
Everything change when my mind find a hole where it can dig deeper and deeper until I noticed that I am at the bottom of this hole. Suddenly there are questions that circled around my head even I did not think about it.
Why everyone is happy now, but when I am struggling to graduate there is no one by my side. Why is everyone suddenly loved they keep asking me what do I want for breakfast or lunch and dinner, but when I am alone studying there is no one asking me if I need coffee or even a glass of water to drink.
Why is everyone keep asking me that, what is the feeling that I am done now, what is the feeling that? But when I am struggling to study all night long, no one asks me if I am fine or do I need something to become more relaxed.
Now they are suddenly interested in how I finished my course, but when I am on the journey of doing it, there is no one asking me. Now they keep praising me for what an incredible job I have done, but when I am in the middle of doing it, they become angry because I did not follow what they are asking for because I am studying for an exam or a quiz.
I am just noticed because I did something that they are proud of? Am I just noticing because they can something from me?
Is everything turning like this? To a disappointment?
What I did not accomplish anything, I am going alone because they don't want to see me anymore?
I know I will be alone when I fail or when I started to fail, I can see people come and go when they feel that a certain person is starting to break down or collapse. I can see them change sides when they see that the opponent becomes stronger, I think it is the nature of humans. I know I will be alone when I am starting at the bottom of my life, I will be alone when I am building my tower and when it is near the clouds, suddenly many people will see it and what to climb it.
I will wait for them at the top and ask them a question. "Where were you when I am on the grounds looking for someone to help me?" "Where were you when the wind is so strong? At that moment I can feel that I am about to fall. Where were you?
All images are from Unsplash 