Correct to build and not to destroy

We all have encountered criticism or being corrected at one point or another in our lives. It is impossible to find any human alive who hasn't been criticized. However I am also sure that some of these instances where we've been criticised brings pleasant memories while others leave a bad taste to the mouth.

What likely would influence the feeling one has after being criticized is the manner in which it was done. Interestingly the manner in which it was done depends on the intention that one effecting the correction has in mind as this influences the manner by which he or she chooses to go about it.

This however may not apply in some environments such as for those serving in the security forces such as the military where everything is done by the book with little wriggle room for the emotional effect of the one being corrected to be brought into consideration.

We often see in work places instances where staff dread being verbally reprimanded by the boss because of the manner in which some bosses do so. The atmosphere is one of tension. Such cases can be akin to that of a raging storm which wrecks damage on anything in its path with the employee being corrected unfortunately being at the epicenter.

Such employee usually has to live with the bruises after the storm has abated. These bruises are usually unseen as they are psychological and usually take more time to heal if eventually they do. One thing is certain, such employees may never forget such bruises depending on how strong they are psychologically. Thus they may develop a phobia of having any sort of encounter with such boss.

We see the same thing in marriages which is manifested in emotional abuse. Often times it goes unnoticed because the recipients bear no physical scars. Sometimes the erring spouse may be the type that has issues with anger management and more often than not rather lashes out whenever he or she attempts to effect an correction even for the most minor mistakes made by the other.

In other instances the spouse may not have issues with anger management but rather uses a wrong or poor choice of words which devastates the other emotionally. Funny enough because of the absence or neglect of emotional intelligence, the guilty party often doesn't realise the damage that has been done except of course the victim speaks up which doesn't happen most times. Hence we have cases of spouses bearing emotional scars in silence irrespective of the sex as both sexes are culpable in this.

It is therefore necessary that as bosses, parents or spouses we learn to access the WHY when we intend to correct others. The why, will determine HOW we choose to go about correcting or criticizing. Some just criticize for the sake of criticizing without intending to get a positive outcome, worse still others criticize to pull others down or destroy. The aforementioned reasons for criticising results in using means or methods that destroys the recipient of such criticism.

Correcting from a place of love or with the intention of bringing about a positive change in the one being criticized is the right approach. This is what is called constructive criticism and the intention is to build and not to destroy. In doing this unlike the earlier mentioned scenario where the mood is tense as though a storm is raging, the atmosphere is one of calmness and filled with love such that the one being criticized readily accepts the correction and is better off without being emotionally scarred.

The leader, parent or spouse who chooses such approach often gets the best out of the other party in terms of productivity and getting a sustained positive outcome. Although most know that this approach is the best route to take, it is often neglected as it requires more effort in seeking the best way of effecting criticism such as choosing the most appropriate time, choice of words and setting or creating the right emotional atmosphere for it.

I am quite sure that those who lash out or correct out of anger likely exert less effort as they do not take the aforementioned things into consideration. As we all hope for a society where we have less people walking about with emotional bruises and scars, we need to embrace the art of constructive criticism from a place of love which is by no means an easy task. For most it is one of things that is more easily said than done.