Yes it's true, the devil is always out to get us and make everyone fall from grace. I know because it almost just happened to me. Sounds crazy but I didn't even notice it immediately!!!
This is why when we suffer that's also when we must become closer to God. Of course when we are in the midst of darkness we may come to a point of even cursing the Lord. Oh the biggest sin of all.
Only the truly good (on the verge of holy or actually holy maybe) come out of worldly challenges still being their shining and best self. Meaning, like Job (in the Bible), for sure there are people out there who would still praise God even when they are suffering. Sadly I seem to have failed the same test Job went thru. That made me sad when I realized it. (More on that in my next post.)
All I can say is, being out of work and without much interaction with other people this year is the best thing I ever did. It has really given me all the time in the world to focus on self reflection. Maybe I can say, for me this Lent is my spiritual growth culmination since the pandemic happened.
Why? Let me enumerate them for you:
Yes the online mass have finally become common and very accessible to all but it did not work for me. I rarely watched any online masses every Sunday since social distancing and masking was required.
Also because the churches were all closed there was no choice but to go online. I think I only watched a few ones during some Sundays. Eventually I just didn't watch any online masses at all.
No I did not experience any of those depressions or sadness because of the lockdowns. I know a lot of people who really got negatively affected by it but I was happy I didn't.
A mental health problem was the least of my worries. I was able to do another business and earn money despite being jobless. God is good. 🙏
In late 2020 I finally got a new job and I felt fine. I was one of the few who eventually started going out from time to time. Also was one of the people who experienced riding the newly improved bus system on EDSA (Carousel bus) earlier.
Thankfully I didn't get sick at all. Nobody in my family died from the contagious disease. Also, despite working online at home (since 2018) I still had a social life then. Really I was basically alright during the "isolating year." Little did I know, something else was going to happen to me.
Yes, to think I was already mostly working at home but then suddenly my life turned to hell. For real. Noisy chickens suddenly became a regular disturbance, cigarette smokes came in through my bedroom window, ugh, in short terrible neighbors began "attacking" me.
I wasn't even doing anything to anyone and yet suddenly I was being "attacked". What the...? How come strangers were just "interacting" with me in a negative way? I tried everything and yet nothing!
Who would have known conflict with other people would happen even at home. Supposedly I should be "safe" from such things because I wasn't working in an office all the time. But no, such is not the life of man at all.
Well yes I was earning money but nobody was buying any condos from me because of the pandemic. Somehow I felt ashamed to be getting paid despite not producing any sales so I just resigned. Yeah I know it's not a "good decision" but it didn't feel right at all to stay.
And so of course that rooster and neighbor problems became worse for me. My sibling also left in the middle of it due to a new job. Ugh it became my own battle with the "evil" around me.
After watching a reality TV series online I decided to change jobs and work in the maritime industry. (I haven't told anyone about it online until now so you're lucky to be reading this.) It felt like I should wait before doing anything but I couldn't just sit and do nothing with my life. This is why I went thru various trainings and also renewed my passport.
That's also when I thought I should avail of a free distance healing I randomly saw online. He told me he was healing people through the power of Jesus/God. And so I agreed to be healed of a non-life threatening illness I had.
During one of our sessions he told me there were demons around me. Of course I disregarded such talk and just thanked him afterwards for healing me, etc. I thought nothing of it at the time and found it silly or weird because I was just fine!
Aside from that I thought I should finally get vaxxed so I would be allowed to leave the country when I got hired. I assumed I would get trained, get a job and finally leave the country within the year. Sadly that wasn't the case.
I'd like to blame my sibling because after getting the jab I also eventually went and scheduled mine. But no, it was still ultimately my decision to get vaccinated. I even did not sign up for vaccination at work but I saw a family member do it so I thought I should do it too! Ah silly me.
Eventually I signed up at a local health center after my sibling did it. Ugh. Also because I thought I would have to leave the country once I got hired to work abroad. I really regret it but it's too late now. I've been jabbed thrice and I will never get another one.
Yes, something seemed to keep getting in the way of me succeeding there. It might have to do with me or the other people involved. Whichever the case, everything wasn't going as I had thought but I still finished my internship. I paid for it despite being unemployed so I made sure I finished it at all costs.
It was at this point I was starting to get thoughts of, "there must be something wrong somewhere". But it only happened from time to time and not always.
Well why not when I even got a case of skin allergy/bacteria infection during my internship! I had to stay at a boarding house with strangers who became my work colleagues. And then I fell and got wounded and some other stuff happened that made me think, "Do I have bad luck or what is going on???"
A beach I went to in Nasugbu, Batangas.
I was in a great place and I should've been having a great time but the people and my situation eventually became terrible! Plus that health problem went on for months yet I suffered in silence!!!
Even at that point I would still rarely go to mass every Sunday. But I would go from time to time during weekdays or whenever I could.
At that point I can definitely say nothing good was really happening in my life. Ultimately despite trying to fix whatever was going on, I had no control of the work situations at all.
I would get highs but the resulting lows were worse. I was praying more often but still not going to any online mass most of the time. Despite that it looked to me that bad luck was just always hounding me whatever I did.
And the worst part was, I started to think my life is not worth it at all. Like I should just die or something. Shocking really because I am not one to think such thoughts. Yes life is not always good but thinking of taking my own life was something I usually never thought of. Eventually it was able to creep more into my mind.
All the bad decisions I ever made was in the last half of 2021 and almost the whole 2022. I'm sure of it. Even though I learned a lot from the consequences, like love is the ultimate trump card, my heart wasn't having it.
As time passed by something would always make me angry. Everything was frustrating. I also didn't follow my gut one time which eventually led me to having a new physical disease. Oh my, it only added to my growing self hate.
Before I realized what was going on, everything wrong with me and the world just made me burst out in anger most of the time. The situation at work and at home wasn't getting any better at all. Ugh. Believe me, hating everything most of the time is not a good mental place to be in at all.
At that point I thought, enough is enough. It was better to stop working for that company before the most unimaginable and horrible thing happened to me.
And that illness which appeared late last year? Hah, it still has not disappeared until now. I only have myself to blame including the vaccines I got.
Can you guess what happened next?
To be continued in part 2!
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Lead image from Unsplash.