Nonsense
Here I am sitting by myself after trying to keep myself busy just so I wouldn't have much time to think about the things that are happening around me. Today has been a tiring and confrontational day.
I always wish to have someone whom I can share my thoughts, feelings or how my day went without the fear of being judged, ridiculed or back stabbed. I always wonder how a person can end up with his soulmate without even asking for desiring for it.
I'm tired of explaining and defending myself because no matter what I say, I'll always be the one who's at fault mostly in everything. I'm not a bad person but I always end up getting hurt because I care too much.
I'm just doing my best but no matter what I do, I end messing up or being in the wrong. I feel heavy emotions in my heart. I know that it's not because of the hormones. I've been in an unavoidable circumstance since then.
I have a lot to say, but I can't find the words to say it. I have a lot of thoughts running in my mind but I can't come up with an agreement with myself on how I'll speak about it.
I'm tired and restless that no matter how much sleep I get or how much food I take i can't be well rested enough. I'm in the point of my life where I just don't really care and I always tell myself to never care but I still end up caring and getting hurt in the end.
Today, I broke one of my principles in life which is to never work on weekends. Since I have a lot in mind, I ended up working for I don't know how long just to keep my mind from thinking but I still ended up thinking about it over and over again.
"Am I the one at fault?"
"What did I do to deserve this?"
"Until when do I have to suffer the same thing over and over again?"
"Am I too much?
"Am I not helpful and useful enough?"
"Why is this happening?"
No matter how much I think about it, I always end up blaming myself. Even when I try hard not to think about it, I still do so since it's something important.
Another weak is about to come and I have to face it head on. I can't just always be sad or worried about something. I'm not appreciated and I perfectly know it. I'm just remembered when they need me but no one really cares. No does and no one ever did.
I'm a background friend and a background family member. As painful as it sounds that is who I am. That is also one of the reasons why I'm not outgoing or I don't have the energy to do things.
I think I just need sleep.
Love_16
June 6, 2022
Monday
My sister is moving out
As I grow older, I then realize it even more how difficult it is to become a parent. You have carried your child in your womb for nine months, provided for their daily needs, supported their education, saw them grow up and have the lives they wanted, then eventually moving out to have their own lives.
My siblings and I are not getting any younger. In fact, my youngest brother is an incoming 2nd year college student. The only single in the family who doesn't not have a family yet is my second sibling, me and the two youngest children in the family who are incoming 2nd year and 4th year college.
I can't help but wonder how my mother feels whenever her son or daughter moves out to start their own journey in building their own families. My dad is now in heaven for 8 months and I don't have any thoughts of leaving my mother behind she's the only one I have now.
If I feel sad that my sister is moving out of the house, how much more does my mom feel not having her around the house anymore? I'll be alone in my room, and I'll get busy working while my mom will go home from work and feel sad that her children are growing older and slowly leaving her behind.
I'm sure that my other siblings will move out of the house eventually to start their own lives as well. I hope that when that time comes, I'll have my own partner as well so the two of us can both take care of my mother. It was such a rewarding feeling knowing that I was able to take care of my mother the way she has always taken care of me and my siblings.
I also feel happy for my sister to finally have her own life of independence and away from our family. She's 6 months pregnant and I can't wait to know the gender of her baby. I'd love to see my niece or nephew. She has actually started packing her things and had it moved to her new house little by little.
I helped her clean up her drawers and fix a few of her things in the house. I'm definitely sure that my sister will have a hard time but that's just how life is. I'm happy for her to finally have her happy life with her husband and her baby.
Honestly, I'm starting to think how lonely life can be for parents who lost their spouses and eventually be left behind by their children. Well, it was what life should be in the first place but it still hurts for some reason.
I'll eventually get used to being alone in my room and I'll have to work harder and better to save up so I can have our house fixed when the time comes for it to be done. I remember how my mom pushes me to have a boyfriend because she told me that she won't always be around for me and she doesn't want me to be left alone.
I'll eventually have one when God permits and when God knows that I am ready for it.
Love_16
June 2, 2022
Thursday
The power of a sincere prayer
Last Monday I was feeling unwell when I woke up but still decided to go to work. The center was fully air-conditioned and I did not had the chance to go out often since I'm busy doing paper works and doing follow up for unsubmitted requirements and much needed audience for the designated person in charge.
My nose felt snotty while I'm inside the center but when I go out where there is sun, my nose felt fine. Later that afternoon there was a pour of rain and I felt as though my unwell feeling turned into colds due to the bad weather and changing temperature.
When I got home, I still have unfinished work and I ended up finishing it up until 5 p.m. By that time my eyes are teary and I'm having a hard time breathing due to clogged nose. I drank Neozep after eating dinner then went to bed.
The next day, I woke up late because I felt tired, I have a clogged running nose, teary eyes and headache. I'm just glad that I did not have any fever that time. The days went by until Wednesday when I brought jacket because I'm feeling unwell.
I also have my menstruation that time that I ended up dumping at the comfort room. Good thing that I have a workmate who assisted me. I was distracted and unfocused because my whole body was telling me to lie down but I don't have the space to do so.
I had an online class last Friday at 4:00 p.m. and it was impossible for me to teach since my eyes are swollen and teary, it's difficult to talk, my head is pounding, and most importantly I don't have energy left to go on with the discussion. I met the class I was teaching then gave them the things that they have to do and after 10 minutes I dismissed them.
Before we start the class, an opening prayer was offered by one of my students and at the end of the class, a closing prayer also needs to be done. While my student was leading the closing prayer, she said in her prayers, **"Lord heal our teacher."**
I was grateful that she prayed for me because it's a much needed prayer since I don't have enough rest the past few days due to dysmenorrhea and colds. The next day, Saturday, I was able to clean up a little and I even helped my mom with the laundry. I still feel unwell but it became manageable.
Then as I was about to sleep I realized how God has healed me and how He listened to the sincere prayer of my student. It usually takes me up to 14 days or 2 weeks to fully get healed from colds. But as I woke up today, I still have a headache and tired body but my colds is completely gone. I just decided to take this day as a full bed rest so I'll be prepared for my job tomorrow.
As you can see, God is always listening to all the prayers that we tell Him. He knows what we feel, how we feel and all our troubles. He never turned a blind eye or turned His back away from us. He has always been there waiting for us to reconnect to Him.
I thank God for listening to the prayer of my student which healed me. It wasn't just because of the medicine but also because of the sincere and pure heart that prayed to God. He is always watching and listening. God knows exactly what we need, when we need it.
Love_16
May 22, 2022
Sunday
Work is work
**"Go to work, do your work, go home. Repeat."**
There was this one video that I came across last two weeks ago. It was a TikTok video where a woman reminds her followers the things that they have to do when at work. And I couldn't disagree as she was on point.
It's important to choose the people you would want to be in your circle. *Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are.* It's important to filter out the things you would say to them as they might be your friends today and an enemy tomorrow.
Don't get attached and never assume that your relationship from workmates level up into friendship. There's no such thing as "friends" when it comes to work.
Eating out once or twice, sharing the same sentiment about a specific topic or hanging out together doesn't guarantee that you are friends with each other.
It's safe to say that your personal life must not be shared in order to keep your affairs private. There are things that they don't need to know. You need to learn how to filter out the things you share with them.
Your words and actions speak a lot about you. It's like a mirror of the impression you're leaving to your workmates. Do not ask when they did not tell you anything about it. If they don't involve you in their conversation, never try to join in as it will only make you look rude in front of them.
Speak to them only about your work and nothing else. Trust no one for no one is trustworthy enough that they won't tell others what you shared to them. Be civil to your workmates as much as possible.
Never send a message when it's weekend or it's already past the working hours. Respect the boundary that has been set even before you came. Just let things the way it should be. Never try to make your talent or your skills known to them not unless you would like to do it at all times.
It's okay to say NO if it's out of your boundaries or if it's beneficial to you. Keep yourself at a safe distance where there is a boundary between what should be or should not be. It's better not to have an ally or foe and keep yourself safe.
Not everyone you talk to or send a message is your friend. It's safer to say that money of your colleagues are your friends. They are colleagues and they will stay that way.
Talk when necessary. Do not bother responding or joining the conversation especially if it's personal or they don't want you to hear it. It's always better to keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself as it's safer that way.
Set a personal boundary to yourself where it makes you safer and better. It's never too late to keep a safe distance as too much closeness causes difficulty and issue in latter years of togetherness.
This is just based on my personal point of view and personal experience. Been there, done that. I'm hoping that you'll learn from my past experiences and never repeat the same mistakes I've done.
Love_16
May 22, 2022
Sunday
A year late
Dear Papa,
I'm sorry pa if I'm giving you the 5,000 pesos you were asking me as a birthday gift, a year late. I'm sorry for getting mad at you that time thinking that it's never easy to earn money and you seem to just easily ask for it whenever you want. I'm sorry for not giving it to you when you are still alive and you can still appreciate it. I'm sorry for being a stubborn daughter who takes after your attitude that if I want something, I have to do everything I can to have it.
I'm sorry for ignoring you unintentionally and getting mad at you for trying to speak to me early in the morning when I haven't had any sleep. I'm sorry papa for not giving you the life that you deserve. I was just starting that time so I don't have the resources and the finances to give your wants. I'm sorry for losing my patience whenever I talk to you.
I'm just glad that you have experienced the money cake and the money bouquet. I hope that it somehow made you happy when you received it on your anniversary and birthday. I'm sorry papa for not showing you how much I love you and now regretting it so much.
I know that you're always happy in heaven pa. I know that God is always with you and that God answered our prayers. He answered our prayer for you to have a long, happy and healthy life because you're too tired about your situation that you can't even describe how you feel. You have too many medicines to take and you need to use the nebulizer twice a day just so you can breathe. God answered our prayer by taking you home. In heaven you will never feel pain or sadness. You will spend your days in the glory and presence of God. God answered our prayers not in the way we're expecting it to be answered.
There was this one time when you told me about the oxygen tank for your air supply and I asked you if you want to have one but you told me that you don't want it because it's expensive. You know what pa, when God called you home, we were able to spend a good sum of money for it. Sadly it was the day when you left us permanently. I wasn't even able to give you the 5,000 you were asking. I'm so sorry pa.
I'm so sorry pa for not being there for you when you need someone to talk to. I was asleep in the morning and awake by the evening because I was working as a call center agent. I don't have much time to speak to you and even ask how are you doing. I'm sorry pa for all my lapses as your daughter.
I miss you so much. Greeting me early in the morning, asking me to eat, telling me you love me and showing that beautiful smile of yours. I'm sorry pa for the times that we fought because we can't seem to agree about a few things. It's almost 8 months when you left us but the pain is still here. I still wake up in the morning thinking if what happened was true.
I'm afraid pa, that one day I'll forget how your voice sounds or forget how you look like. Pa, I'm working now as a public school teacher. God also answered your prayers because I got hired in the school near our house. The night when God decided to call you home, was also the night when I got hired in public school. You now have a daughter who teaches in public school.
I miss you so much pa, everyday. One time I cleaned the altar for your urn and I couldn't help but cry because I just miss you so much. I made sure to wipe all the dirt and dust while wiping my tears as well. Pa, I miss you so much and I love you.
I'll be giving the 5,000 to mama because you said that what's yours is owned by mama. I'm sorry if it's a year late. I'm sorry if you can't receive it. I'm sorry if you aren't here. I'm so sorry pa.
I also remember the father's day last year because I wasn't able to give you anything thinking that we'll be able to celebrate it this year. I'm so sorry pa for not appreciating you enough and not showing my love for you enough. I'm so sorry pa and please always remember that I love you. You are forever in my heart.
Lord, please take care of my father for me and please let him know how much I regret not appreciating and loving him enough. Please let him know that we are taking good care of our mama. Thank you Lord.
Love_16
May 21, 2022
Saturday
The tailor
I was supposed to get my uniform after three weeks of handing it over to her but the tailor is still not finished doing it and I'm pissed off about it. I bought the cloth for the uniform even before the Holy week and handed it over to her by then. I payed half the price for each set that cost me 1,600 because she told me that each set is 800. The first agreement was that she will finish all my slacks and blouses after three weeks but I did not get it by then. She had a lot of excuses and she kept giving me a deadline when I'll have to go to her shop to fetch it.
When I came over to her shop by the time she told me to come, she actually told me that the blouse will be ready by the first week I handed the fabric to her but when I got there, the blouse wasn't ready yet so I had to go back once again. I returned the next day and finally received my Monday blouse.
They were asking us at work to wear our proper uniform because we're already reporting on site and it's an unpleasant feeling when I'm at work and I'm the only one who has no blouse. Then asked her if she can make my slacks and she said yes but it will be the next week. I went to her the next week and this is what I happened.
She asked me to come over to her shop, it was Friday and I have to go to work early then next day, but her store was closed. I walked to her shop and walked home again. It was boiling hot outside but since she told me to come over, I went there not knowing that her store was close that day. I was pissed off as well as my family because it's not the first time that it actually happened.
The second time was Sunday. She asked me to go over her shop in the afternoon but I had to wait for her to finish up until 8 p.m. and the building where her shop was at is already closing.
Another one is when she asked me to come over at 6:00 p.m. to pick up my slacks but it was already 8 p.m. and she was still unfinished in tailoring my uniform.
Honestly, I'm pissed off and irritated at the moment. There was heavy rain earlier and I caught colds because of it. She was rude as she was not answering my texts and calls but if I use other cellphone numbers, she will answer the call and once she knew that it was me, she will hung up the phone saying that she was busy or she has somewhere else to go.
I payed the price she was asking of me but she doesn't have integrity with her words. I should've just opted for the higher price of tailoring my uniform rather than paying a smaller amount which is definitely giving me more stress.
She told me via call earlier that I'll be getting the uniform by this week when she asked me to take it tomorrow. She is untrustworthy and she takes her customers lightly. It might also be one of the reasons why she doesn't have customers. I should've known better than to trust her empty words easily.
She's just too much and I hate the fact that she blames me for wasting my time going to her store. She kept on telling me to wait for her text but I don't have all the time in the world to wait for her. She is untrustworthy with her words and actions. She's just good at luring customers but her service is really unprofessional.
Now I know better and I will definitely not go to her store again once I was able to get the remaining uniform from her.
Love_16
May 16, 2022
Monday
Maniac and Pervert
Marami akong gustong puntahan kasama ang pamilya ko kaso ang hirap nilang yayain. Nandyan na yung busy sila, walang pera or ikaw ang magbabayad dahil ikaw ang nagyaya. Ang dami naming planong di natuloy dahil sa ganyan tapos nasa akin ang sisi dahil ako ang nagyaya. Pag ako daw ang nagyaya laging di natutuloy.
Gusto kong mag swimming sa beach, kumain sa labas at mamasyal kasama sila pero dapat sagot ko. Kaya ang ending wag na lang. Hindi ko naman kayang naglabas ng malaking halaga ng pera ng ako lang. Laging ganito. Tapos pag natuloy ako lagi ang lugi dahil ako ang nagaabono madalas.
Kahit mga kaibigan pag niyaya dapat sagot ko na hindi ko naman sila sagutin at hindi sila kasama sa budget. May mga trabaho naman. Sabagay kasalanan ko rin kasi ako ang laging nagyayaya.
Dapat na rin akong matutong mag enjoy, mag travel at pumunta sa iba't ibang lugar ng ako lang. Wag nga lang magpapagabi kasi hindi safe. Maraming bastos at masasamang loob sa paligid.
Kahapon pumunta ako sa kasal ng kaibigan ko tapos sabay sabay na kaming pumunta at umuwi. Hiwahiwalay na kami ng jeep na sinakyan at nung sumakay na ako ng jeep marami namang tao pero yung driver ang bastos. Nakasuot ako ng pantalon, at formal blouse. Hindi kita ang balat at walang any sign ng ka sexyhan sa suot ko pero nabastos pa rin ako.
Pag para ko ng jeep nagsasabi sya ng "Ingat be ha" "kita tayo bukas ha" "bukas ulit ha". Nakakakilabot at hindi umalis yung jeep agad. Hindi rin ako umalis sa binabaan ko dahil nakatingin pa sya. Saka ako naglakad nung pinatakbo nya na yung jeep. Bago pa man yun gusto nya sa harap ako ng jeep sumakay na di ko ginawa kasi nga ayaw kong may katabing driver baka kung anong gawin. Tsaka I always trust my instincts sa ganitong bagay.
Inalis nya yung tali na parang seatbelt tapos gusto nya dun ako umupo. Di ko sya sinunod at sa likod ng jeep ako sumakay. Tapos pagbaba ko ganon na sya. Wala akong ginawa na ikakabastos ko o suot na ikakabastos. Pag may bastos at manyak kahit anong gawin mo meron talaga.
Lagi akong nasasabihan na ang tanda ko na daw pero di ko pa kayang magbyahe mag isa. Kaya ko pero natatakot ako. Hindi ako nag susuot ng shorts or sleeveless. Laging pants at oversized shirt or blouse kaya nakakapagtaka na kahit ganon ay nababastos pa rin. Hindi ko yun gusto at never kong gugustuhin.
Isang bagay pa ay yung may nakakarinig, nakakakita at nakakapansin pero nananahimik lang. Hindi ko alam yung reaction ng mga pasahero kasi paniguradong naririnig nila.
Kaya di ako makapagbyahe mag isa dahil sa anxiety. Okay lang na mag isa akong mag byahe basta puro babae at safe pero pag puro lalaki at nakakaramdam ako ng di maganda di na ako tumutuloy. Lagi kong pinapakinggan ang sixth sense ko at gut feel kasi never naging mali.
Hindi safe na magbyahe mag isa ang babae. Wala ang privilege at assurance na ligtas kang makakauwi at makakapunta sa kailangan mong puntahan. Laging may halong takot at kaba.
Alam mo yung kilabot na mararamdaman mo dahil sa mga ganong pagkakataon. Yung iba sinasabi na salita lang naman yun or baka naman hindi sinasadya. Kung talagang hindi sinasadya hindi uulit ulitin. Ang salita ay nakakapagbigay ng emotional trauma. Walang excuse para sa mga gumagawa ng maniac and perverted acts.
Wag isisi sa victim dahil kaya nga victim dahil hindi ginusto. Ilang ulit ng nangyari to at kung iisa isahin ko pa baka di na matapos to.
Kung lalaki ka, matuto kang rumespeto ano pa man ang suot nyan. Ang sinusuot ng Babae ay hindi para bastusin mo. Maging responsible ka sa mata, isip at sinasabi mo. Hindi yung nakakita ka lang ng sexy at kung ano pa man ay mag iisip ka agad ng kahalayan.
Kung babae ka, wag kang matakot at hanggat maaari dapat may kasama ka dahil hindi ligtas. Noon at magpa hanggang ngayon. Ang mga manyak at masasamang loob ay nasa paligid lang. Lagi mo ring tatandaan na hindi mo deserve na mabastos sa anumang paraan. Hindi mo deserve ang anxiety, trauma at fear na nararamdaman every time na may ganitong nanguayari. Hindi mo kasalanan. Wala kang kasalanan.
Matutong rumespeto ng kapwa hindi lang dahil sinabi kundi dahil yun ang Tama.
Love_16
May 2, 2022
Monday
In 20's
I'm at the age bracket when I'm realizing that the things I've always thought I'll have is actually difficult and seems almost impossible to achieve.
20's is the age where many people of my age lose their lived ones. They lose their parents and grandparents. It's the time when you will have the emotional pain and you don't have the time to slow down even after all the heartbreaks you felt.
20's is the age when you'll feel the pressure too much to handle. You need a stable job, a continuous pursuit of career and most importantly, you'll need money the most.
20's is the age when you'll see your classmates, batchmates and friends get married one by one. It's as though you're left behind in many aspects and areas of your life.
20's is the age when you have to start figuring things out, working properly for it and most importantly, it's the time when you'll have to start stabilizing yourself.
It's sad, frightening and worth the experience but the pain of the process you have ego through is definitely what will make you stronger than ever.
Love_16
May 1, 2022
Sunday
Adjust
**"Hindi pwedeng mag adjust ang mga tao para sayo."**
Kahapon nagising ako ng 6:00 a.m. dahil sa alarm. Onsite na kasi yung work ko since last week kaya need kong bumangon ng maaga para hindi na late sa 8:00 a.m. time in. Pagbaba ko sinabay ko na yung mga bihisan ko gaya ng uniform at body towel.
Pagbaba ko nakiusap ko kay mama kung pwedeng paki plantsa yung uniform ko. Late na kasi natuyo yung uniform ko dahil late na natapos ng mananahi yung pants. Ang Sabi ng mananahi punta daw ako ng 6:00 p.m. Pagdating ko ng 6 tinatahi pa kaya sinabihan ako ng mananahi na hintayin na raw. Maganda naman yung tahi, sakto din sa sukat ko. Ang problema lang ang tagal talaga nyang gawin.
Nung unang Sabi ko ng **"ma, paplantsa ako"**, di sya sumagot kaya inulit ko. **"Ma, paplantsa ako ha"**, nagalit sya at ang sagot nya sakin, **"Di ako bingi narinig ko."** Nahiya ako kasi nakikisuyo lang ako. Pag ako kasi ang nag plantsa mali late na ako. So ayun plinantsa naman ni mama.
Pagbaba ko kumain na ako at naghanda ng ibabaon sa school. Iniiwasan ko kasing gumastos dahil gusto kong mag ipon. Speaking of ipon, laging nagagalaw yung perang naitabi ko na dahil lagi akong nag aabono sa columbarium ni papa at may iba rin naman akong bayarin pa. Buti na lang talaga tapos na ako sa mga utang ko.
Bumaba na yung kuya ko mga 6:30 na tapos ako patapos ng kumain. Nagtanong sya **"Ano ako na maunang maligo?"** Ang sa isip ko dahil patapos na akong kumain, ako na. Tsaka di ako pwedeng maligo ng walang kain dahil sinisikmura ako. **"Ako na muna patapos na akong kumain."** Doon na sya nagalit sakin at nagsabi na **"I-adjust mo rin ang oras mo. Hindi pwedeng mag adjust ang mga tao para sayo."** Si mama naman nag second the motion. **"Ang bagal mo kasi kumilos dapat sayo 5 pa lang gising na."**
Pagkatapos ko maligo nag asikaso na ako para umalis ng bahay. Naglalakad lang ako mula sa bahay papunta sa terminal ng jeep papunta sa school. Bale 2 sakay talaga dapat pero dahil pwede namang lakarin, wala pa namang araw at wala akong bitbit na laptop kahapon, nilakad ko na lang. Sayang din ang 20 pesos ba pamasahe sa tricycle. Ngayong May trabaho na ako, every peso counts na ang peg ko.
Ngayong umaga ganon na naman. Mabilis kasi ako magising sa mga ingay gaya ng kaluskos or pag may nag uusap na medyo malakas. Kaya rin ako may panda eyes dahil di ako nakakatulog ng maayos sa gabi. Hindi ako onsite today so ini expect ko na magigising ako ng 7 or 7:30 yung usual na gising ko talaga. Naka off din kasi yung alarm ko for today.
Nagising ako kasi may naglalakad, kaninang 6:20 lang. Nakisuyo pa ako na papatay ng ilaw. Si mama pala yung umakyat tapos naglilitanya sya ang agaaga. Nanenermon tapos may hinahanap daw si kuya na di Makita ni kuya. Meron kasi syang telang panlagay sa braso tapos di daw makita. Ako Yung nagsampay kaya tinanong ako. Sabi ko di ko alam kung nasaan baka nandun sa mga tiklupin. Nagsasalita sya habang naghahanap at may kung ano ano syang nasasabi. Tahimik lang ako pag pinagagalitan nila. Di ako sumasagot kasi kahit naman sumagot ako, ako pa rin ang mali.
So ayun nga 2 days ng hindi maganda ang start ng araw ko pero ayos lang kasi wala naman akong mapapala kung sasama ang loob ko. Natuto na rin akong hindi magkwento sa iba dahil pag nag kwento ako sa mga kapatid ko, sermon din ang abot ko. Wala rin naman akong kaibigan na pwedeng pagkwentuhan ng mga ganito kaya buti na lang may read cash. Tsaka sanay naman ako na sinosolo ang lahat. Ako lang rin kasi ang napapasama pag nagkwento ako sa iba.
Lately nga na realize ko kung gaano ako ka dependent dahil need ko lagi ng kasama, this time magsosolo naman ako. Para solong gastos lang din.
Isa pang kinaiinisan ko ay ako pa yung need na magtiklop, maghugas at magsampay. Lalo na dahil weekend maglaba si mama. Sumasama yung loob ko dahil may trabaho din ako at gusto ko ring magpahinga pero paano naman ako magpapahinga kung pati weekend kailangan kong gumawa ng gawaing bahay. Yung iba kong kapatid na may trabaho di naman nila yun ginagawa kasi ang dapat na gumawa nun ay yung mga estudyante. Alam kong pagod din sila pero sana naman tumulong din sila dito sa bahay. Ang nangyari kasi ako pa rin tsaka si mama eh.
Ito yung matagal ko ng na voice out pero ganon pa rin. Ngayon nga kukunin ko mga damit ko sa sampayan at titiklupin ko para di na kasama ang mga damit ko sa tiklupin dito sa bahay. Ngayon na mo motivate na naman akong magbukod ng bahay. Need lang talaga mag ipon. Dapat pala pag nag ipon di alam ng pamilya para wala silang nakikita, naaasahan at nasasabi.
Love_16
April 26, 2022
Tuesday
A List: Unwanted attitude
I'm still discovering a lot of things about myself on a daily basis and those discoveries are actually eye openers for me to do better and become better. This article is about a list of my unwanted attitude which has somewhat both positive and negative effects towards me and the people around me.
**Telling my plans to others**
Lately, I've seen that I can't keep things to myself that much. I have to say it to someone and after sharing it to others, I'll regret it so much. It always make me feel bad after thinking things through. One of my new friends told me that I should be careful on whom and what I share to others because most of them will definitely talk bad about me behind my back. I don't know what has gotten into me but I can't seem to keep myself from sharing my plans to other people. Most of them don't even care bout me or what I'm going through.
**Deciding for others (Paladesisyon)**
Since I can't get a hold of my tongue lately, I've been saying words which becomes destructive to others. My sister and her daughter has the same birthday. We were having a video call when I invited my brother who was about to go abroad to work and his family. My sister got mad because she doesn't have budget for it and she scolded me for inviting my brother to their birthday. I told her that I'll give her money for additional food for their birthday but she was really unhappy. I ruined her special day because of my unfiltered tongue. Instead of enjoying her day, she was just definitely mad at me for it.
**Doing what I want when I want to do it**
I am never the type of person to be late or to procrastinate things that can be done today. I always see to it that I always finish on time and that I don't have to wait for the next day to do the things I have to do within the day. When I want to do something, I'll do it with or without the consent of others. For example, my account has been locked out so I can't renew my license. I've contacted a lot of people whom I know will be able to help me but none of them responded positively so I ended up putting everything into my hands. I sent an email for my account verification and I was able to retrieve my account afterwards. In other words, my license was renewed even without the help from others. I believe that if there's a will, there's a way.
**When I want to rant, I'll rant to the person whom I thought is trustworthy but get I always get betrayed in the end**
The problem about me is the fact that I trust people way too easily. I've had a workmate whom I've always considered as a friend but she betrayed me in the end. If not for the screenshots to a GC, I wouldn't have known that they had been talking about me behind my back more than once. I've been reluctant and too lenient which caused my despair. I thought that whatever I shared to her will be kept between the two of us but I was definitely wrong. She stabbed me behind my back and I ended up losing, hearing them say awful things about me, read about it and I was alone in that fight while they all go against me. Others did not want to pry so I ended up defending myself.
As you can notice, I am not perfect and I will never be. I am someone who's so used to being lonely that I don't know how to mingle with others. I know that many people dislike me so I just often tell myself that I need to love myself more than anyone else. I need to make sure that I love and care for myself so even if I'm alone, I will never have to bear it all inside my heart.
I always tell myself to keep everything to myself so I can avoid conflicts in which I'm learning to do it little by little. I'm starting to keep everything between you (readers) and myself. Tomorrow, I will never repeat the same mistakes and make sure to lessen this negative attitude of mine.
Love_16
April 23, 2022
Saturday
Saving up for future trips
As much as I would like to relax, enjoy delicious meals and travel, I need money for it. I have to save up, think about the budget I needed after travelling and most importantly make sure to secure a passport for international travels.
So far this year, I've been to different places already together with my family, workmates and friends.
The first trip I had this year was the trip to Tanay, Rizal together with my workmates. The place is beautiful and I did not spend any single penny but I did not enjoy that much because I don't know the people I'm with at that time. They already have their own groups and being the introvert me, I did not converse with them that much.
The second trip I've had was the trip to Enchanted Kingdom together with my former workmates at the BPO I've worked at for nine months. They asked if I wanted to join their trip and I said yes and they told me that my other friends or family members can join in. I had my mom with me that time. I wanted her to enjoy travelling and just simply relax from everything that happened to us the past few months. We enjoyed that day and we managed to spend at least 500 which includes the food and the transportation money.
The third major trip I've had was when we ate out to a fine fine restaurant which cost 10,800 for one meal. It was for the despidida celebration of my brother before he flew to Malaysia. We split the bill so it wasn't that heavy in the pocket. It was the first time we've been together after my father went to heaven September 24 last year.
Today, one of my former workmates was asking for me to join them for a shot of good liquor but I told her that I don't drink. I don't drink, smoke or even gamble. I don't have any vices and my money is usually used for my needs and my contribution here in the house. I also spend it for online shopping and such. I politely declined her offer and told her that if there is next time, I'd definitely come.
There was a plan to go to Palawan November this year so I have to save up money for it. I'm planning to ask my mom to come with me as she has always been my travel buddy. My former BPO workmates also invited her to come. The only problem is that I'll need money for the two of us. I'm always the one to pay for the food and transportation because my mom doesn't want to spend her money for those trips. Besides, I don't want to travel without her because I'd constantly think about her reaction if ever she is with me during the travel.
Actually, our family has always wanted to go to the beach this summer but our plan is always cancelled because of money matters. It's difficult, unfair and heavy if only one person will shoulder the expenses for a family of 20 people. My plan to treat them to a nice meal is also cancelled because I have a lot of things to save up for. I also wanted to celebrate my 25th birthday to the beach but if I'll have to pay for the food and other expenses for that travel, I guess I'll just treat and pamper myself that day.
As of now, my main goal is to save up for my brother's laptop and his upcoming face to face classes. I have to make sure to save up so I'll have the money for his studies. I've also started giving him an allowance per week so he can have the money if ever he needs to buy or pay for something. After I bought a laptop, I also plan to buy a printer, ink and different sizes of bond papers for myself. It's actually a necessity for my job.
As of now, I save up the 20, 50, 5 , 10 and 20 (new coins) for this Christmas. The purpose is to make sure that I don't need to use my own money to buy presents for my growing family. It has always been my desire to be a blessing to them so I make sure that I give and provide them their needs whenever I have the chance and the ability to do so.
For me, travelling is a form of knowing myself better by getting detached from social media and leaving my comfort zone. I also wanted to take photos and keep memories of myself going somewhere nice together with my mom. She's the only one I have now and I want her to experience all the good things that life has to offer because my papa wasn't able to do so. He has always been sickly and it was difficult for him to travel because it takes a toll on his body.
Love_16
April 23, 2022
Saturday
Bon Voyage!
The long wait is over. After preparing the necessary documents needed, swab test, plain ticket and waiting for the final confirmation of getting hired, he finally left the country to work hard for his own family.
I was supposed to be with them at the airport but I wasn't able to come because I was at work. My mom, youngest brother, his son, his father-in-law and his wife went to the airport together with him. He finally left and was supposed to come back after two years.
Last Sunday, we ate out for his despidida. We ate in a restaurant which cost 10,800 in total for all our orders. It was a group meal good for 20 people. We were happy. We enjoyed our time together. The kids also played in an arcade with moving chairs. I also bought few desserts which was really delicious. After that, the whole family had a picture taking for photo op even which he will carry as he depart the country.
Two years might seem long but the sacrifice he did for his family will be remembered daily. His wife and 1 year old son will definitely miss him. I actually miss him right now because I don't even know what will happen now that he's in a faraway country.
I just hope for his healing from losing our father, financial freedom, debt free and stress free life. He sacrificed enough for me and my older sister for supporting our needs while we were still studying. I would also love to give back the favor by just simply being a good aunt to his son.
It also somehow awakened the desire in my heart to also go abroad to work. I don't want to be pessimistic but I can never reach my dreams and goals in life if I just continuously stay here in the Philippines.
As long as I am young and single, I'm supposed to work and reach my dreams and goals in life. I'll go abroad when I'm given the chance and the opportunity to do so.
Love_16
April 19, 2022
Tuesday
Sentiments about Onsite Work
Metro Manila has been under alert level one where establishments and leisure places has been opened 100% to the public. Aside from going back to normal, work arrangements has been on a face to face setup as well.
I don't want to work onsite. It's not safe because COVID-19 is still there. There has been rumors that after the election, another lockdown will be implemented in order to minimize the spread of COVID-19. Neighboring countries are having series of lockdowns because of another surge of cases of the said disease.
If I work onsite, I need to wear my daily uniform. I don't have a uniform yet because I just bought the cloth for it yesterday. The tailor also told me that I'll get the uniform after three weeks because it requires a lot of time and effort to finish four sets of uniform. I was supposed to buy a ready made uniform but they don't have any available stock. I don't even have the budget for a new uniform but I had to use my saved up money in order to have it. Aside from that, I get easily distracted by noise. My workmates and I will have to work at in the same room which is not a cubicle style. We can hear each other clearly and it might also cause interruption during class discussions. We will also use the same internet connection at the same time. Meaning to say, if you are able to connect first, you'll definitely have faster internet connection.
Another reason why I don't want to work onsite is because of the time travel. I have to walk to the highway to ride a tricycle then walk again to reach the jeepney terminal and get off infront of my workplace. I will have to log my time time in three times before finally reaching the to office area. I also need to prepare food for lunch and snacks and bring plenty of water because the meals there are pricy.
I don't really want to work onsite but we were told to obey before we complain. I can do my work at home at ease and fast. I was never Kate for any report, meeting or work. I'm also safe here. Imagine spending your entire day at work where you're not sure whether your workmates are safe and negative of the virus or they might be positive but asymptomatic.
They gave us a survey sheet but it doesn't include our worries about the onsite setup. It only provided the choices we can choose from and nothing else. Honestly, thinking about it now worries me a lot but I have no choice since I'm supposed to obey the rules. It's not as if they will change their minds if I voice out my worries.
Love_16
April 12, 2022
Tuesday
"Uwi na tayo anak"
Kanina pag uwi ng ate ko nag kwentuhan kami. Hanggang sa nabanggit nya yung tungkol sa katrabaho nyang single mom na pumasok agad kahit kaka cremate pa lang ng anak nyang babae, 20 years old, kahapon. May suot daw na kwintas na may abo ng anak nya.
Nabangga daw ng mabilis magpatakbong naka motor yung babaeng pangalanan na lang nating Angel. Isang kanto na lang daw pauwi sa bahay nina Angel ng mabangga daw ng motor. Ang masakit pa dun imbes na tulungan si Angel ay pinili pa ng mga tao na videohan sya.
Nakatayo pa si Angel habang nagsasalita ng ***"Ma, ang sakit. Ma, ang sakit, ma."*** Hanggang sa tinawagan yung mama ni Angel at pumunta sya sa hospital kung saan sinugod ang anak nya.
May kapitbahay daw na nagsabing, **"Hindi sya ang anak mo dahil nasagi lang ng motor ang anak mo."** Pero hindi nakinig ang mama ni Angel at nilapitan ang katawan ng babae, **"Ang anak ko, anak ko yan!"** Sigaw ng mama ni Angel. Dala na rin siguro ng lukso ng dugo na kahit ano pang naging itsura ng anak ay nakilala nya pa rin ito.
Napanood ng mama ni Angel ang video at sobrang nasaktan sya at galit sa mga taong nandun na mas pinili pang i-video ang pangyayari imbes na tulungan ang anak nya.
Pagdating sa hospital ay dead on arrival na si Angel dahil nabasag daw ang bungo at naalog ang utak kaya wala na daw talagang pag-asa na mabuhay pa. Nahuli naman daw ang driver ng motor at kasalukuyang nakakulong.
Sa subconsciousness ni Angel kahit na wala na syang buhay ay nagawa nya pa ring tawagin ang mama nya na para bang nagsusumbong sya na masakit ang katawan nya dahil nabangga sya ng motor kaso di na sila nag pang about pa. Sa huling sandali mama nya pa rin ang hinahanap nya.
Diba napakasakit sa puso na dahil sa isang kapabayaan ay mayroong nagbayad ng buhay?
Napakasakit isipin na wala ng panahon na magluksa at iproseso ang lahat ng pangyayari dahil kailangang ituloy ang buhay kahit pa kamamatay lang ng mahal mo sa buhay.
**Pag oras mo na, oras mo na.** Walang makakapigil sa mangyayari. Ang buhay ay hiram lang sa Diyos at kapag niloob ng Diyos na kunin na ang buhay natin ay wala tayong magagawa. Di natin pwedeng sabihing **"wait lang Lord di pa ako ready"** o kaya naman ay **"ayaw ko Lord marami pa akong gustong gawin sa buhay ko."**
Binalikan ng mama ni Angel yung Lugar kung saan nangyari ang pagkakabangga sa anak nya tapos niyaya nya ang anak nyang umuwi na sa kanila. ***"Halika na 'nak. Nandito na si mama. Uwi na tayo 'nak."***
Love_16
April 8, 2022
Friday
Cuddle Weather
It's been raining since last night and due to the comfort the cold breeze of the air, I woke up at 9:15 a.m. which is late because I usually wake up at 7:30 a.m. to start my day. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. earlier to pee but decided to sleep until 7:30 which lasted until 9:15. It's a first, knowing that our pets will wake me up early to feed them.
I had a hard time getting up from the bed which resulted to dragging myself away from it. As I went down, I took a bath then ate my breakfast and stayed in front of the laptop since. I had brunch at 10:30 so I ate rice at 2:30 p.m. I'm not supposed to get full because I will vomit if I do. The rice was only three spoons so I had to eat banana and wafer.
I worked until 6:00 p.m. since I woke up late. I had to make up for the time that I overslept by doing an overtime. I did not go up since and decided to watch kdrama entitled "Crazy Love" and "Business Proposal". After that, I stayed downstairs to accompany Yogurt (our dog) and Cream-O (our cat).
I love rainy days because it reminds me how of a home buddy I am. I was supposed to go to the mall to buy gifts because I have two birthdays to attend this Saturday but due to the rain, I stayed at home. I wasn't finished with my job but I'm planning to finish it all this week so I can focus on other things by next week. I also have a busy schedule tomorrow but I'm hoping that I'll be able to finish it all before the deadline.
Cuddle weather makes me think a lot and somehow relaxes me. The sound of the pouring rain, the breeze of the cold air, and the comfort of the warmth of my bed, pillows and blanket plus the fact that I don't have to go out for a while makes it even better. I don't drink coffee or any of that sort because it makes me vomit. There are actually lots of food which I can't eat and the only drink I can have is water.
I also love the fact that I am on a work from home setup and have the comfort of staying at home. Although there are lots of things to do at work, it's manageable and I also enjoy what I do.
One of the things that comes to my mind at the moment is a job which will allow me to have an extra income. I need to have another job because I'm saving up for something. Another thing is the fact that my ipon challenge is almost used which left me to start over again. I also had a realization to think about the future. Many pregnant women told me to save money, now that I'm still single because having a baby is expensive.
I've been engrossed with this comfortable and enjoyable weather that it made me want to share why I love it.
Keep safe and keep dry.
Love_16
April 5, 2022
Tuesday
Enchanted Kingdom 2022
***I give credit to the rightful owner for all the photos used in this article.***
I've been to the Amusement park Enchanted Kingdom twice and it was always due to field trip. The first time I went there was when I was a second year high school student together with my classmates. We reached the Enchanted Kingdom at around 4 p.m. where we only rode a few rides because we have to travel back home at 7 p.m. sharp.
I rode the Flying fiesta (where I got stuck and my classmate had to come over to help me out), Anchors away (where I leaned in to my classmates shoulder because I was too scared), Grand Carousel (Where I'm wet due to the other ride), Jungle log jam (where my heart and sould was left in the air), Rio grande (the reason why I went home dripping wet and ended up not sitting at the bus as it was too uncomfortable) and Wheel of Fate (the view from up high is too awesome to miss out). It was enjoyable and I can still remember a few details about it. I was only 14 years old that time so I don't remember much except for the photos that kept reminding me about it.
The second time I went there was before the pandemic happened. I went there not as a student but a private school teacher this time. My advisory class are Grade 9 students and I never expected them to ask me to come with them all through out our entire stay there. We rode the Flying fiesta (as a warm up ride), Anchors away (my student was losing her consciousness so I did not feel the fear of the ride because I was busy waking her up), Jungle log jam (my students asked me to sit on the first seat of the log where is lipped and me and the student behind my collided), Horror house (all of my male students are on the first line while the girls were left on the last part of the line, we got separated inside so when I grabbed my student's shirt he was asking me to let his shirt go as it might rip and I collapsed as soon as we got out. My student actually had to fetch me and help me up so I can go outside the horror house) and lastly the Rio grande (I did not get wet the entire time I was there). I also had to endure chest pain for three days and I think that the reason for it is due to the horror house there. I also didn't get to have much photos there. We payed 100 in order to get inside and it was definitely worth it.
The third time I went there was yesterday but it's the first time I went there not as a teacher or a student but a person who only wants to enjoy. This time, I'm with my former workmates from the BPO company. I asked them to invite me when they have somewhere to go so I can join them if it's okay. They said that I can join them and I have my mom together with me. I wanted my mom to enjoy everything that life has to offer and seize every opportunity that i can be with her wherever I go. I want her to experience the things that my father cannot experience because he's already in heaven, living happily in the presence of God forever.
Yesterday I made sure that I'll try new rides and have a new experience there with my mom. We rode the Flying Fiesta, Anchors Away, Disk-O-Magic (Just me and my friend), Agila (a new and exciting attraction at Enchanted Kingdom), Dodgem (I felt ashamed because I wasn't able to move that much and a staff has to go over me and assist me to move my car, Grand Carousel and Wheel of Fate (at night time after the fireworks display). I still did not have much picture but my mom took photos for it.
Listed below are the expenses I had. I also made sure that I paid for my mother's ticket and fare so she'll just have to enjoy herself.
888 × 2 = 1776 EK ticket
75 - Hotdog with bottled water
35 - bottled water
81 - socks and tumbler from Mr. DIY
145 × 2 = 290 - Mang Inasal for lunch in the car
120 - Taxi on the way home
20 - Jeepney on the way to the first stop to Cubao
40 - FX on the way to Cubao
95 - Jollibee on the way home (late dinner because my mom doesn't want to eat dinner)
2,522 - Total
The fare for the transportation is not included because my other friend there did not accept our share for the gas of their car. They did not also ask us to pay for the toll fee and the payment for the parking. My mother actually asked me to pay for the late dinner at Jollibee but she asked me not to bother. Her boyfriend was the one driving the car and when we were inside the Enchanted Kingdom, we parted ways so we can enjoy the rides that we want to ride at. We also had a lot of fun talking and just simply enjoying inside the amusement park but I'll never try to ride the extreme rides again. I was woken up at 4 a.m. because I can't breathe properly. It's as though my chest and upper back are squeezing my lungs. I did not endure the tiring walks that much but I felt the pain in my chest whilst I can't breathe properly. I don't know if it's just due to tiredness or because of the extremes rides I'm at. But the moment I spent there with my mom is definitely worth it.
Love_16
April 3, 2022
Sunday
Drafts
I've been wanting to write articles lately but I don't have the chance to do so. I will start writing with one paragraph or even one sentence then stop writing afterwards. It's not a writer's block or any sort of that. I don't know what to call it but I have lots of ideas but I can't seem to continue.
A lot of things has happened but I can't write about it. I don't know why I've been felling this way since last two weeks ago. I know that my articles aren't much since mostly it's base on my experiences, feelings and emotions but I wrote because I want to breathe. I want to somehow ease the thoughts that kept running through my mind but this time I can't do it anymore.
I'm constantly exhausted and the day passes by quickly. I don't know why I feel this way. I would like to know the reason and yet here I am, writing something nonsense again. I actually have a lot of drafts which I can no longer finish writing. I also feel disheartened because my ipon challenge money was used already. My heart was breaking and I r really wanted to finish the challenge but how can I do it if this is what happened.
I also have a really sarcastic workmate who cannot answer a question without sarcasm. I'm fed up and aside from that, I've been wanting to look for a part time job to save up enough money for my pursuit of masters degree. I've been a nuisance lately but I'm just glad that I can have my rest days this weekend.
Love_16
March 31, 2022
Thursday
Expectation Vs. Reality
Expectation is what you look forward to. It is what you've been picturing in your mind and what you've always been daydreaming about.
**LIST OF MY EXPECTATIONS**
I expected that after graduating in college I'll get hired easily.
I expect that after working in private school for two years, l get hired in public school right away.
I expected that once I'm earning my own money, I'll be able to buy what I want (clothes, shoes, pants, etc.), provide what my family needs, travel anywhere I want and eat anything I like.
I expected that after two years of working I'll have savings.
I expected that after graduating in college I'll get pursued by men who are willing to commit in a long lasting relationship.
I expected that I'll have the money to buy my own house and lot and keep saving up for my future.
I expected that my goal to pursue my career further will be possible since I am strong willed.
I expected that my parents will still be there to see my success and celebrate with me.
I expected that my workplace is a harmonious and blissful place to work at.
I expected that I'll get better in everything I do little by little.
**LIST OF MY REALITIES**
After graduating in college, I had a hard time looking for a job. I had a demo teaching in different schools. I spent money for printouts, time to go to different schools and even if it's too hot since it's summer, I decided to bear all of those things because I wanted to get hired. Then I've seen my classmates get hired one by one while I did not get hired. I've seen them sharing their stories at school, posting on Facebook and seeing their family members happily congratulating them. Then, I felt envious of them because I also wanted the same thing. I got hired after all the tries with a low salary and toxic working environment.
After working in a toxic private school for two years, I applied in public school but my application got rejected due to incomplete requirements. The school did not give me my COE because the owner wanted to make sure that I'll never try to turn back from my responsibilities to that school at that time. The money, effort, tiredness and tears I shed upon knowing that I did not pass made me constantly sad and anxious. I wasn't eating or sleeping well. I became desperate to look for jobs that I kept trying to message or submit my resume to whatever post about job I've seen online. I felt so useless and incompetent that time.
When I worked with only 8,500 amount of salary per month, I had to give an allowance to my brother, give money to my parents, pay for my review for taking the LET and sustain my daily allowance at school. I was constantly exhausted that even if my salary was not in my hands yet, it has already been budgeted. I remember one of my workmates who told me to treat myself with at least a McFloat from time to time but I can't do it because every single cent counts.
I always wanted to have savings but I was never given the chance and the opportunity to save up because the money I was earning that time was never enough, in fact I was always short of money. Many people told me to try and save up at least 50 pesos per salary but how can I do that if my salary kept getting delayed. I never wanted to tell my parents or my siblings about it so I kept everything to myself. I decided to do a tutorial session with at least one of the students of our school just so I'll have an extra money. I don't want to look pathetic so I always portray that I'm a strong person who is always okay.
Many people told me that after I graduate, men will line up to pursue me, well guess what, that is a scam. Many men doesn't want to commit or pursue a strong independent woman. Men liked me but it was never enough to try to pursue me and I always thank God for sparing me from any heartache. I also had the chance to become more focused in my career. I've seen my friends get cheated on and I always praise God for allowing me to never be in a wrong, toxic and ungodly relationship.
I never had the chance to buy the thing that I have always wanted not until I worked on a BPO company. I was able to buy the McFloat I can't buy. Every family celebration, I can sponsor for a Contis cake, give gifts and treat my family to a delicious meal almost every week. I don't need to wait for special occasions to buy cake, bucket of chicken or even donut just so we can eat it. I am given more than enough to share my blessings to my family and friends. I was able to treat my friends to a meal or go somewhere with them without thinking too much about the money that I'll be needing to spend.
It took me two tries to finally get what I've always longed to have. I've always seen myself in this situation and look at me now, thriving and striving to get better each day. It took me twice the pain emotionally, physically and spiritually but the breakthrough after the pain is beyond my comprehension. I'm also thankful to those people who believed in me and never stopped supporting me all throughout my journey.
I was never able to celebrate my hired date in public school because the night that I received congratulatory messages for getting hired in public school was also the night when I received the news that broke my heart into million pieces. September 24 at 8 p.m. was also the date that my father died. He was unable to wait for the news that I'll be working as a public school teacher and it was only one ride away from our home. He kept on asking me whether i already have a school since he knew that I passed the ranking this time. He told me how he kept on praying to God to assign me to a school near our house. When God answered his prayer, he was taken away from him.
My first workplace was toxic. My second workplace was a place of growth where I was supposed to earn 40,000 a month only if I did not resign and my third workplace is now making me feel insecure about myself. I'm introvert and I'm not that good at dealing with people. I have to stand on my own and make sure that I can do things by myself. I've been through a lot so getting alienated isn't new to me. I'm just always looking at the positive side of my life that everything I'm experiencing now will definitely allow me to be a better person.
Honestly, I'm don't know if I'm okay or not. The only things I know is the fact that I'm not allowed to give up in life. With everything that happened to me and my whole family, I know that I'm never alone and I will never be.
Life is not life if it's easy and smooth sailing. Life is life because of all it's imperfections, pain, tears, exhaustion and sorrow that it has. I always praise and thank God for being there and allowing me to go through a painful experience moment in my life. I am never going to be the person that I am today, if I did not go through all those pain and hardships.
Life might seem tiring and you might even entertained the thought of giving up but let me tell you this, God is there. He has always been listening. He's always near to you. You are never alone and if ever you need someone to talk to, I'll also be willing to listen to you.
Love_16
March 22, 2022
Tuesday
Tiring Monday
Today, I woke up at the sound of a video because my sister was watching on her cellphone. I'm sensitive to sound so I woke up easily. I told her to tone down the volume and she apologized for waking me up. I slept for a few more minutes before the alarm on my phone rang at 7:30 a.m. Instead of waking up, I slept for a few more minutes.
I was awaken by our cat asking for food at around 7:50 a.m. I rise up from the bed, gather my clothes then went down. I was supposed to eat breakfast and take a bath before I start my day but I wasn't able to do so. I felt tired more than ever. I started my online class at 9 a.m. without eating my breakfast or even taking a bath.
After that, I had to do a few more slides for my next online reading class at 1 p.m. onwards. My first online class lasted until 10:30 a.m. which resulted for me to eat brunch. Then I had to continue doing the slides. I was able to finish at 1 p.m. I moved the start of my class to 2 p.m. which lasted until 3:30 p.m. It is so that I still have the time to take a bath.
I then asked for the assistance of my workmate to help me out in screen recording. I need to have an online class observation and I've been preparing for it since last week. I gave a heads up to my students for the things that they are supposed to do and asked for a schedule to my department head and our master teacher.
My last online class is from 4-5 p.m. which left me exhausted. I had to eat early dinner because I'm famished. After that, I decided to lie down for a while and I'm not getting up of the bed to eat until now. I've done a few slides yesterday after I went home from the church but I was unable to finish it.
I was supposed to go to school today as well to release a module but the recover of the module has to go to the hospital so she can't fetch it. I don't know what happened but this day passed by quickly. My usual routine was not followed and I'm exhausted.
My usual routine was actually waking up at 7:30 a.m. when my phone alarm rings then go down to eat breakfast, feed Yogurt and Cream-O then take a bath. I never started my day without taking a bath so it was kinda new to me to teach without breakfast and bath.
I'm kinda hungry but I like to lie in bed more. I was also in the middle of doing having second thoughts about watching a kdrama entitled Business Proposal or just watch it by the weekend.
I'm also blessed because last Saturday I met my sister by heart and I was able to take care of her 11 month old baby for a while and had fun talking to them. She also gave me 1 rim of long bond paper. I played with jumping rope and that when I knew that I've gotten heavier because I almost stumbled just after 1 try. Her baby was really happy while I was playing the jumping rope. I did not spend any amount for transportation or food because our other friend paid for it. Her husband ordered the food because we don't have the grab app for it. He ordered 1 piece of chicken, 1 piece of rice, 1 piece of soft drinks, 1 piece of Sundae and soup for the baby. During our snack time, we decided to go out, buy a liter of Sprite then barbecue.
When I got home last Saturday, it was around 6 p.m., my older brother asked me to come with him to the mall because he was going to buy a new cellphone. The mall doesn't actually have much people and we're able to get inside the fast food right away. After he bought his cellphone, we ate at Popeyes. I ordered 1 rice, 1 fried chicken, 1 soft drinks and 1 french fries for each of us. After eating we were supposed to go home when I saw a doll shoes on sale at Micaella. From the original price of 799.75 to 350. It was also quite difficult for me to find an item that I like so when I find one, I have to buy it right away. Good thing that I still have money left. After that we parted ways and went on our own homes.
Last Sunday, I went to church to attend the Sunday service and all the attendees were given food packs in celebration of the women's month. I actually came in late because I overslept plus the fact that I did not prepare my clothes the night before so when I woke up, I still had to gather the clothes I'd be wearing. I even forgot to pay my Church mate for the taxi fare when we went out and I forgot to bring my wallet.
To sum it all up, my weekend has been eventful and it might be the reason why I'm exhausted until today.
Love_16
March 21, 2022
Monday
Living from paycheck to paycheck
When I was still studying, I've always wanted to start working. I thought that finding a job, saving up, purchasing a house and lot then buying the food I've always wanted or even the clothes and art materials I've always wanted will be easy because it's what I've always heard from the adults. I was naive to even think about it and I would often day dream about those things.
Then life hit me hard even before I graduated in college. I had to look for a job to support my youngest brother's needs, take the licensure exam, review while working and the most of all, give financial support to my family somehow. I was agitated, anxious, exhausted and constantly sad because of it.
The school did not teach me the reality of life. It's difficult to get hired even with my credentials. It's difficult to keep going when everything weighs me down. I remember not being able to buy even a single float or sundae because my salary is always on a tight budget. I had to endure seeing my workmates eat out or purchase items then post it on social media or talk about it.
Even when I was in high school or college I've never been the outgoing type but I'm somehow sad that I always have to be treated by my friends into a meal or something simply because I have to budget my allowance and anything out of budget will cause me to not eat or not pay for printing or photocopies.
Looking back to those times made me want to give back to my family somehow by treating them to a nice meal. We can have food delivered at our homes or even buy delicious expensive cakes such as Contis. We don't have to cut out a toothpaste to use the remaining toothpaste on the packet. We don't have to use bar soap to wash our dishes. We don't have to wait for special occasions to eat the food that we want to eat. In fact, we can just simply go out even if there is no occasion to eat.
Health care has been more accessible to me as well. I've shared in my previous articles how I've always been sickly so having the necessary medical check up and money to buy medicine helped me to live better and get better. I was even able to buy clothes, pants and even underwear for my personal use. I can also buy the lotion and hair care products that I need. In fact, I can even go to a salon now to pamper myself a little.
I wasn't actually able to celebrate the fact that my long awaited dream job is finally in my hands because my father died. Until now everything felt surreal but I'm blessed nonetheless. Now that I'm in this position, I've been wanting to go over the things that I've always wanted to have and do. One of those things is to have a house and lot in a peaceful and quiet neighborhood where there'll be no noisy and inconsiderate neighbors who love to gossip about other people's lives.
Another thing that I'd like to accomplish is financial stability wherein I don't have to wait for my paycheck to pay my bills, buy my needs and even go out and have fun. I don't want to live forever living from paycheck to paycheck. Where the only source of income that I have is my job. I don't want a life where I'm constantly worried about my financial needs.
I would also like to share with you that I'm finally debt free. Yes, I don't have the money but I'm finally free from all those debts which definitely weighed me down. I have started saving up this March and I make sure that the things I'll buy are the things that I needed. I won't go out if not necessary. Aside from that, I don't have to keep struggling with my finances. With the Ipon Challenge, savings as well as the things that I'll have to stop purchasing I'm sure that I'll have a better opportunity with investing.
I've actually been saving up the money I've got from read cash in coins ph. I'd like to save money for my future. I'm also practicing the delayed gratification which helped me to value the money I earn more. I will always pamper my mother in everything that she needs and never hold back in helping her.
Honestly, I've always wanted to go out to eat, travel and enjoy life but for now, my priority is my savings. I need money for the lot that our family wanted to buy. As of now, I'm single and building my career. My focus is to help my youngest brother in his studies and start pursuing and growing in my career further.
One day, I'll.look back to this day and see that my dreams start to come true little by little.
Love_16
March 18, 2022
Friday
235 articles in more than 1 year and counting
1. REALationship .12
2. Be kind to yourself .05
3. Never compare .08
4. It started as this .07
5. Don't rush .13
6. How to be productive 0.1 2.42
7. Social media as part of our daily lives 7.62
8. How to be productive 0.2 1.02
9. Follow button 2.25
10. Pandemic 1.11
11. He is always there 1
12. YOUnique 1.44
13. fAMily 8.02
14. BeYOUtiful 4.65
15. Let Go, Let God 4.17
16. Fact Sheet 2.20
17. Vibing with TikTok 2.54
18. Tongue that spits fire 1.50
19. OVERthinking 1.45
20. Mama (Mother) 1.48
21. Papa (Father) 2.71
22. tEARs 4.60
23. Childhood sweetheart 2.71
24. How to be productive 0.3 3.01
25. Even adults can be wring sometimes 3.35
26. As you die 3.29
27. It's time to give up 3.51
28. Jokes .15
29. Living or surviving 1.54
30. Belittling someone 1.76
31. I'm sorry 1.19
32. Reasons why people settle for less 6.79
33. Dealing with an annoying neighbor 6.79
34. Understanding women (.) 10.74
35. Understanding women (Trust issues) 5.25
36. It makes up a family 5.38
37. I never fit in 3.51
38. Excuses .16
39. Thanksgiving 2020 6.47
40. STOP and know the reasons 4.73
41. A thank you letter for you 5.68
42. Understanding women (Maternal love) 5.95
43. Intimacy during pandemic (Connections) 5.68
44. Intimacy during pandemic (Relationships) 5.68
45. Intimacy during pandemic (Celebrations) 7.32
46. Understanding women (Independent) 7.89
47. The reason for this season .78
48. Happy birthday Jesus! 8.98
49. Understanding women (Maternal responsibilities) .55
50. Silence is strength .74
51. 2020 is not a wasted year 4.69
52. 2020 is almost up 3.64
53. A dose of sadness 3.75
54. Heart at stake 8.85
55. It's Free 4.53
56. Relationship Status: Knowing Priorities 5.60
57. Perfectly imperfect .45
58. 2020 realization .51
59. No means No .69
60. 2021 (New beginning) 6.27
61. Chapter 1 Day 1/365 4.86
62. Parenting advice: Sharing with one another 6.83
63. Parenting advice: Allowing the child to voice out his opinions 5.99
64. Parenting advice: Heart to heart talk 6.29
65. Parenting advice: Motivating without 66. pressuring the child 4.96
67. Parenting advice: Discipline 8.99
68. Parenting advice: Model what you teach 9.43
69. Parenting advice: Parental involvement 4.46
70. Parenting advice: Curfew 4.74
71. Fear of the future 2.30
72. Parenting advice: Supporting a child's needs 6.12
73. Parenting advice: Family 2.51
74. Dealing with writer's block 10.59
75. Failure is a must 2.49
76. Making decisions when overpowered by emotions 3.79
77. Parenting advice: Decision making 1.90
78. Levels of love 3.77
79. Runaway to the unknown .19
80. I wrote because 6.19
81. Getting back on track after experiencing writer's block 3.02
82. Sentiments of a single lady about love 1.42
83. Out of the box 2.10
84. Pets are family 2.43
85. Three phases: Past (White balloon) .99
86. Three phases: Past (Failures) 1.30
87. Parenting advice: Healthy lifestyle .99
88. Read cash journey last 2020 .10
89. Anger management 1.66
90. Parenting advice: Teaching life skills .56
91. It's okay to shed tears from time to time 2.91
92. Let me do it for you 2.32
93. Yesterday and today .17
94. Little angels .11
95. A letter to my parents .68
96. On Hiatus 3.33
97. Love for the family 6.13
98. The five languages of love .66
99. Love VS Hate 2.22
100. A date with my mom 8.25
101. A date with God .25
102. Work from home setup 2.77
103. 1 month 2.17
104. Self-love 2.36
105. Mental Health matters 2.53
106. Relationship advice for the youth 3.74
107. Blessing in disguise 5.53
108. Peace and stability .34
109. Self-love is self-care 2.61
110. From strangers to strangers again
111. 37th wedding anniversary 1.40
112. Everything has changed .35
113. Unproductive routine 3.64
114. Unexpected interview 1.25
115. Mind setting .31
116. Physical pain 2.34
117. A good laugh .02
118. 2 months .30
119. Nothing in particular 2.34
120. Runaway to the unknown .28
121. Swab test experience 2.48
122. The unicorn .05
123. All it takes is one song .07
124. Goal setting 4.37
125. Work smart 01 2.66
126. I realize .74
127. Work smart 02 4.80
128. Work smart 03 .25
129. Things I learned the hard way .26
130. That moment .02
131. Return to office .04
132. A sweet escape .54
133. 3rd monthsary .56
134. Unwind .53
135. To Quit or not to quit .05
136. Reality of life .27
137. Epekto ng Stress (short post)
138. 20's 2.33
139. Celebrating mothers .31
140. It's okay to say NO .84
141. 4th monthsary 1.83
142. Goal set: Savings .56
143. Boundaries
144. Toxic culture 3.83
145. The resignation letter
146. 5th monthsary
147. Online shopping 3.35
148. I am FLAWsome .05
149. Show (Palabas) .53
150. Sam Smith Lyrics
151. TMJ Braces
152. Pahinga 4.10
153. Perks ng may trabaho 5.55
154. The House .28
155. Deserve 2.95
156. Teka lang .27
157. Don't kiss and tell 1.68
158. Wrong item .38
159. My vaccine experience .84
160. Emotions are gifts .97
161. Random late night thoughts .43
162. Ways on how to defeat overthinking 1.12
163. The aftermath of losing someone 2.51
164. God was there when I lost my father .80
165. Things you can do for someone who is grieving .35
166. Healing as a family .34
167. Everything I do reminds me of you 1.10
168. 1st birthday without you 2.24
169. Papa visited me in my dream .37
170. Answered prayer 1.91
171. I resigned 2.26
172. The cure to bitterness 1.21
173. The healing process 1.35
174. Maling kultura .38
175. Today's journey .45
176. Life of a young adult 3.74
177. Papa's 40 days .41
178. Passion Vs. Practicality .40
179. I don't matter 1.64
180. Kids contribute in healing 1.46
181. Happy anniversary Read Cash! 1.87
182. Loving the unlovable .72
183. Color coding ipon challenge 2.20
184. Knowing myself better 1.78
185. Slow internet connection .21
186. Yogurt, Oreo and Cream-O .31
187. Its okay .50
188. It's the time of the month .28
189. Breach of contract 1.07
190. Guilt free rest .34
191. Thoughts .98
192. The Christmas season 1.02
193. I choose you 2.12
194. Sent with love .61
195. Grades 1.16
196. Ways to handle stress .28
197. I started the Ipon Challenge .28
198. Ibang Kausap .35
199. Recharge
200. Annoying workmate (A rant) .17
201. Lost 4.55
202. Christmas gifts wrapping .71
203. A short day .63
204. Betrayed trust .61
205. Read Cash Scare .35
206. Unang Paskong Wala Ka .62
207. The Pain of losing .57
208. Note to self .38
209. Welcome 2022! 1.20
210. Day 3/365 1.31
211. Beyond blessed .01
212. POV .41
213. It's okay 1.47
214. Young adult 1.53
215. Malaysia
216. A lot of thinking .23
217. Don't .35
218. Academic Break .44
219. Making independent decisions .31
220. I almost died last night .82
221. Signs of adulting .23
222. Emcee 1.43
223. UnHappy
224. Love Month .19
225. COVID-19 journey .14
226. To the future me .35
227. Made of diamond .20
228. Heaven and earth apart .15
229. Salon Experience
230. Forever grateful .39
231. War is never good .32
232. What's your dream .26
233. To Do List
234. Quick Escapade 2.39
235. Dysmenorrhea .46
235 articles in more than 1 year and counting
Love_16
March 16, 2022
Wednesday
Dysmenorrhea
Normally, women has a monthly period. The experience is different from one another. As for me, I am always pale, weak and the pain in my abdomen is too much every first UpTo second day. I don't also feel hungry because my focus is on the pain in the abdomen.
I usually drink a pain reliever but if I'm home, I don't take it. I still prefer to let the natural course of pain to be felt in my body. I just have to lie down and it's also the time when I can sleep in the afternoon due to the excruciating pain in my belly. I can't move that much and my whole body feels tired and sore especially the lower half of my body.
I use hot packs to somehow ease the pain and I just take my time to lie down and sleep it off. I've collapsed a couple of times due to intense pain and one time it happened when I was at the mall. The good thing is that I have a friend with me and I just woke up inside the Mall's clinic.
I'm also anemic so the tendency of passing out is greater. The pain will subside the third day and I'm back to normal by that time. Since I don't have an appetite for two days, I'll have to eat more to regain the strength I lost.
I also had a check up about my condition and the doctor said that there is a possibility that there is a possibility that the pain will be completely gone after having a baby. For now, I'll have to endure the pain and use pain reliever on my first day if I have to go out of the house.
Love_16
March 13, 2022
Sunday
Quick Escapade
Today I went to Bakasyunan in Tanay. It was for free together with our meals so it's definitely fine. There had been a lot of things going on my mind so I thought I should come too. I enjoyed the long ride on the van while going there together with my other workmates. I was silent the whole ride because all of them knew each other correctly while I don't know any of them.
I arrived in our meeting place at around 6:30 a.m. whereas I've only had a 4 hours of sleep. I woke up at 4:30, took a bath then left the house. I walked all the way to the jeepney stop then went to the meeting place where most of my workmates are already having a conversation. I felt too awkward to even speak, although they asked me to join them. They were happily laughing and telling stories while I sat there listening to them.
We departed at 7:30 a.m. then had an almost 3 hours of travel from Quezon City to Tanay Rizal. I almost didn't have a seat in the van if not for the other two of my workmates who decided to just bring their own car. I decided to put my earphones on and listen to the music whereas I can still hear them laughing and telling stories with each other. I smile from time to time since I have a face mask and they can't actually see my facial expressions.
Upon entering the resort where we had the day tour, I was amazed with it's relaxing ambiance and cold breeze of air. There is also a beautiful sight to behold. We went upstairs but I felt so out of place. My first thought was "I shouldn't have come" and "I don't belong here." They were taking pictures while I just try to fit in with them. They have formed their groups while I was there watching them converse with one another.
During the breakfast I sat at farthest end of the table where the late comers sat. I sat there and ate quietly not until my two coworkers decided to speak to me. I just answered their questions and tried to speak with them but it only lasted for a few minutes. After the breakfast I asked those two workmates of mine if I can tag along with them as they explore the whole place. They immediately said yes.
After that, my boss asked me to come with her in one of the rooms to drop off my bag. After dropping off my bag I asked if they can take a picture of me on the picture spots in the area and so we took turns in taking pictures of each other. Then, I'm alone again. I walked away from them up to the bench because they are conversing with each other and happily laughing. I don't really belong there.
When my two coworkers decided to continue exploring the place I tagged along with them because I have no one to be with and I don't want to look as though I'm trying to distance myself away from them. I was with another group which are the other department where I've had a lot of fun by myself. I was laughing at what's happening but at the same time, I know that they just chose to talk to me and include me in their group because they don't want to be rude.
I enjoyed if not for the fact that I don't really belong there since I don't know them personally. I was hoping that there'll be new employees like me whom I can get along with. I actually told my boss that I am out of place and she told me that if I want, I can stay with her instead but I don't want to be like a lost child who is in need of a mother to look after me.
I was told to join the first car to leave the place so they can switch cars. I don't plan to join but since it has been decided, I thought that it would be much better to go home early to end the awkwardness in me. After lunch and during the last hour of my stay there, I sang songs in the Videoke. I sang "You're still the one", "Terrified" and "Thinking of you". After three songs, I went home. And I'm glad I did because if I didn't it might be traffic already on our way back to Quezon City.
If ever there'll be another outing for our level and department, I wouldn't come anymore because I don't want a repeat of what happened today. I don't want to be alone again and have this awkward feeling in me. Well, not unless of it's free or mandatory.
Love_16
March 9, 2022
Wednesday
To Do List
I've been so put of myself lately. I have a lot of things to do. I know it but I don't know where to start or how to start doing it so the tendency is that I don't finish most of the tasks and it will bug me all night. I will think of the things I have to do and don't do it anyway.
I was scrolling through my Facebook trying to pass some time to sleep when I've gone through this video of a student who stated that she had been more productive now than she was before because of her to do list. She has different types, designs and colors of sticky notes as well as pens and markers which she was using wrote down her to do list.
I've had an idea to do the same but I'm not using any sticky note or post it even if I have lots of it. I just felt like it's wasted when I use it that way so I decided to use a notebook instead. There are five bullets per day for the additional tasks that I must do since there are tasks which has been part of my daily routine. I write it down in six bullets then make sure to do each of those tasks one by one.
There are only six bullets to limit what I have to do each day so it won't be overwhelming and I won't feel tired just looking at the list. There is a specific color code per day so I won't get confused about the things I must finish doing by that day. I do the list every Friday so I will be relaxed every Saturday and Sunday. I won't think about work and I won't do any work as well.
Aside from that, I also make sure that I am only working from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. from Monday to Friday to give myself enough rest and sleep. I don't also answer personal messages or group chat messages after 5 p.m. to calm myself and to set boundaries that I also have a personal life to live.
Every Saturday and Sunday, I try to help my mom by doing house chores even though I always complain about it because weekends are supposed to be rest days where I'll just indulge myself in relaxing. I also go to church every Sunday morning then have fellowship with my church mate afterwards.
To do list helped me sort out the things that I have to accomplish each day and as days go by, I am able to look back at the tasks I was able to finish and see how productive become. This weekend I'm planning to go on a morning job to burn the fats in my body and keep myself healthy because each day I'm getting heavier and I also have belly fats.
Love_16
March 8, 2022
Tuesday
What's your dream?
I don't have any plans today except to lie down and chill. I had another argument against my brother so plans have changed. I went to my sister's house to unwind and rest for awhile. I had the chance to play and take care of my nieces and nephew. My brother and his girlfriend went with me to my sister's house. I brought chocolate ice cream since it was too hot outside.
I asked my nieces to sleep and only one of them did which earned a prize. My brother and his girlfriend forgot their ordered food from Chowking so I asked them if I can just buy it as the priz for my niece who slept and they agreed. My oldest brother also went to my sister's house and treat us with pizza and soft drinks.
I had fun with them and we sang a lot of nursery rhymes to entertain their 10 month old sister. We also watched music videos on their television. When I'm in their house, I always try to make them put down their phones because they spend too much time on their gadgets. I always try to make them enjoy the presence of one another by playing mind games, talking to them and singing a lot.
My other sister and I are supposed to go home in the afternoon after eating the pizza and the soft drinks but we were asked by my brother-in-law to stay for dinner. We stayed there while my sister was asleep. Their dish was home made fried chicken with gravy. It was delicious and I asked my nieces to eat with me.
While eating we were having wholesome conversation with each other. I told them that if ever I will have a tattoo I'll have it tattooed behind my ear but they were so against it because they told me that I am a teacher and a teacher should not have a tattoo because as a teacher, I must be a role model. They also asked me the name I'll give my future children and I told them the names and they told me that the names I chose are ugly and doesn't sound appealing. Then our conversation went on until it was about their future dreams and goals in life.
As children they have a lot to say when it comes to dreams. One of them told me that she wanted to be a scientist even though she's not good in science and I told her that no one is good in a specific thing in the beginning. There'll be a process which will help a person excel in his or her chosen career. Another one of them wanted to become a chef, doctor, teacher and painter. She also shared that she did a vlog for her school activity about her future dream. One of her sisters commented that she has lots of dreams and I told them that it's okay.
It's okay to have lots of dreams and goals in life. You can definitely achieve it but you must take one step at a time. I also told them that their dreams and goals in life has the chance to change over the course of time as they grow older. The other one told me how she wanted to be a chef and cook delicious food. All their dreams and goals in life made happy. It's amazing how an innocent child can think of a bright future with no worries or troubles in life. I love how I was reminded that maybe their excitement filled eyes are also reflected on my eyes while I was answering what my dreams and goals in life are when I was their age.
Then my two older nieces left the table because they are already finished eating. Take note, I am talking to ten, eight and five year old children. After the ten and eight years old left the table, my five year old niece asked the question I never thought I'd be asked. In fact I was stunned at her question and I was speechless for a moment while she was staring straight to my eyes.
***"Ikaw ta, anong pangarap mo?" (How about you aunt? What's your dream?)***
I looked back at her and she was waiting for my response. I began asking myself what my dream was but I wasn't able to find a definite answer. I was confused and having an internal struggle with myself. I don't know how to answer that question. I never even thought about it for quite a while now. After being stunned for about a minute I told her that I just wanted to have a house and lot named after me and she seemed satisfied with my answer that's he continued eating.
They still have a lot of questions to ask me but I told them that it's almost 8 a.m. and my sister and I has to go home. I just told them to send me a message or just wait for my return so I can answer their questions. They told me to come back soon and I told them I would if I am not busy. Upon going home, I told my sister about it and she said that I lost against a child because I don't know what my dream is. I laughed to myself for not knowing the answer either.
Her question made me wonder and ask myself what I really wanted in life. I don't feel accomplished now that I am a licensed professional public school teacher. Maybe I paused or I somehow stopped dreaming. But yeah, I'll be thinking about this for the next couple of days to come. Indeed, children are vessels of wisdom which will teach the adults things that they don't know.
Love_16
March 5, 2022
Saturday
War is never good
Whenever I hear or see people fighting against each other, I instantly feel my heartbeat quicken and my palms sweating. I don't like it when people are screaming, shouting, saying hurtful words and even having a huge argument against one another. I guess it's because of my upbringing. I'm not saying that i have a perfect family. It just so happen that I grew up seeing my parents arguing without hurting each other physically and not saying hurtful words. They fight but they talk it out and as much as possible they don't show it to me and my siblings. Me and my siblings also fight with one another even if we're old and mature enough. Life is never complete without petty fights.
But the argument, trouble and struggle in the family is different from the war between two countries which leads to a bigger hit on both the economy and lives of the people all over the world. It's stated in the Bible that in the last days there will be war. Country against another country, family against family and there'll be lots of calamities and diseases with no cure will spread. The good will continuously be good while the evil will continuously become evil.
With the war between Russia and Ukraine, I've watched it in the news, seen it on my news feed, heard it from people and saw video clips about the ongoing war on the two countries. The diesel and crude oil kept on skyrocketing which will eventually cause all the different items to rise up to its peak as well. The whole works will become affected about it. The world is like a family that when two members fight, all the other family members are affected as well.
It's painful to see children living in fear on a daily basis that even if they don't fully understand yet, they have to hide and flee from their house which is supposed to keep them from all harm and danger. Marriages become bittersweet with no assurance that they can still see each other tomorrow. Your beloved country slowly looses itself and damages after damages emerge. There's no peace. People cannot eat, drink or sleep in peace. They always fear for their lives. Civilians even has to take up guns in order to protect their beloved country.
In war, there is no assurance when or how it will end. Lives are affected. Trauma, fear, hunger, and utter destruction will meet your eyes when you wake up. Children, adult and old people alike has to face the same difficulty everyday. Families torn away from each other. Life after life has to be taken away. Innocent people who are vulnerable and cannot defend themselves see no future with the ongoing bloody war.
Tanks, fighter jets, guns, screams, cries, remorse and lifeless bodies are seen everywhere. Bloodbath is all over the place. The once beautiful and harmonious country is now in pure and utter destruction. People loose their loved ones. And in the end, no one actually won.
***War is never good.***
Love_16
March 2, 2022
Wednesday
Forever grateful
Have you ever wondered how a person can be so happy even if he doesn't have everything? He always has a smile on his face and warm embrace for anyone he comes across with. He has problems because all of us have problems but he is someone who has always been the cheerful and he lives his life as if it's his last. Then, I remembered how a positive point of view can make a huge difference in life.
I'm forever grateful to God for a lot of things and this day, I realized that I haven't been grateful enough for the past few days.
Thank you Lord for allowing me to be alive until now. It only means that you still have a task for me to do and you're not done with me yet.
Thank you Lord for answering my prayers. I have always prayed for my father's complete and total healing as well as his long life and you answered it by taking him to Your kingdom. You answered my prayers not in the way I was expecting it but the fact and assurance that he is with You for eternity puts my heart at peace.
Thank you Lord for giving me the strength to continue living even after the undescribable pain in my heart after loosing my father. I'm not okay. I'm still healing but with the prayers of the people you put in my life, I have the support I need.
Thank you Lord for my family. I am grateful for a complete and happy family. I grew up with married parents who always want what's best for me and my siblings. You made them my parents so I will see you in them.
Thank you Lord for my new job. You allowed me to go through the pain of losing my father yet you have given me the chance to have the desire of my heart which is teaching. After trying the second time, you allowed me to receive an answered prayer because you have seen that I'm finally ready for it.
Thank you Lord for giving me an imperfect but healthy body. I have flaws and I've always been sickly but You allowed me to still be alive and You have always been my healer inside out. You have always been within my reach. You are someone I can always call in times of need.
Thank you Lord for your forgiveness. That even after I've done so many sins which I never wanted to think about anymore, you have forgiven and loved me the way a father will always do to His children. You have always been a good, good father to me.
Thank you Lord for giving me skills, talent and abilities which made me even more unique. You have empowered me to do greater and wonderful things. I can't do anything on my own so I'll forever be grateful that you made me for who I am.
Thank you Lord for making me see, appreciate and realize a lot of things in life. You are indeed a God who gives what a person needs when he needs it as long as it's according to Your purpose for his life. You are indeed an amazing God.
I'm grateful for more things but I'll end this here. Thank you Lord. And I'll forever be grateful to you for the things that I have and I do not have as well as the things that you allowed me to experience and encounter. I love you Lord. Please tell my papa that I love and I miss him dearly.
Love_16
March 2, 2022
Wednesday
Salon experience
Today was my appointment with my dentist. I had my braces adjusted. I had a meeting at 9-10 a.m. and went to my dentist at 2 p.m. after that. The location of the dental clinic is inside the mall which is why there are lots of other places to visit aside from the dentist. After my brace adjustment, I thought of having a haircut for a new look.
I was planning to have a haircut since December because I just felt like I needed to have my hair fixed somehow. It was dry, frizzy and it's not appealing to look at anymore. I've never had any hair treatment before and I don't use conditioner often as well. Since the pandemic I don't shampoo my hair often and don't comb or brush it as well. Whenever I needed to go to formal events or anywhere, I iron my hair to make it look less frizzy but it comes back to it's original state right after a few hours.
The owner of the salon talked to my me about having a Brazilian hair care treatment. I don't really have the money for it since the only budget I have left is the payment for my braces and nothing else. Then the owner offered it for 1,500 with free haircut. The original prize is 1,700 . My mom also then decided to have her hair cut.
My brother suddenly called my phone when my hair was being cut. They saw me sitting on a chair with the hair stylist cutting my hair. After that, I gave the phone to my mom because my hair has to be shampooed. After being shampooed, it was blowdried for at least 5 minutes. After it was blowdried, the hair treatment was applied to my hair. There was a machine at the top of my head for the treatment which I don't know what it's called.
After about 20 minutes, the machine stopped but the hair stylist said that it has to be at least 30 minutes in treatment. After that, my hair was blowdried again. Two hair stylists were working on my hair for faster hair dressing. The blower was too hot and my hair started emitting smoke. I told them to stop for a moment because my eyes are misty. My eyelids are shut because the smell of the hair treatment is too much for my eyes. My eyes then started tearing and I felt suffocated.
There were fans all around me and I was told to keep my eyes shut and keep still. I did not do anything aside from thinking about stopping them for good and not continuing the process but no can do. My mother also has to double her face mask and distance herself for awhile. It might cause more damage than repair to my already damaged hair. After minutes of blow drying my hair, it was ironed for another set of minutes.
After we paid and signed the paper for contact tracing, my mother and I walked to where the jeepney's are parked. We waited for a few minutes before we were finally moving. The original plan is to eat out after the visit to the dentist but since I decided to have a haircut which turned out to be a Brazilian hair treatment, we have no money left. Also, I'll have my salary by Monday.
When we got home, my mother cooked our food for the night and we ate in silence. My mouth was aching and I don't know if I can eat any solid food by tomorrow. I guess I'll just have to eat porridge in the meantime.
I'm blessed to have my mom who supports me in everything I do. She actually told me that I'll definitely look better when I go on an outing with my other workmates. I'm blessed to have these bonding moments with her and just enjoy the beauty of having a parent who is always there for me literally.
How about you?
Can you also share your salon experience?
Love_16
February 26, 2022
Saturday
Heaven and earth apart
You will never know the real pain of losing someone important to you permanently not until it happens to you. Be it a friend, parent, relative, spouse, sibling and even pets. It will definitely take a toll on your health and well being, as well as your perspective and outlook in life.
When I lost my father, that's when I felt what pain is. It's not the kind of pain where you'll just take a medicine or sleep then you'll feel better the next day. It's a struggle of sleeplessness, restlessness and never ending sadness, pain and sorrow in the heart.
The words such as "condolence", "I'm here for you if you need me", "stay strong" and other words of encouragement are empty words for someone who is grieving. No words can express how painful it is and there is no assurance when the pain will subside.
My family was having a good time teasing each other about crying for the death of my father and I soured the mood by asking them a question. "Is it bad to still cry? Isn't it normal to feel sad and let tears flow as it's the manifestation of sadness? Aren't you crying anymore?" Then my older brother told me how I make things serious even when it's just them having a good time teasing each other about it.
I'm unhappy most of the times. I thought that I was slowly walking the path towards healing but I realized that I wasn't. I'm lost. I'm unsure of the next steps to take and no matter what I do, I'm still in pain. The kind of pain that can't be healed by drinking medicine, eating delicious meals or sleeping as long as I want to.
If you ask me how I'm doing, my answer will be, I don't know. I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I was able to finish my job for the first quarter. I don't know the next steps to take and I'm always distracted. I've shared about what I'm going through twice but the feeling is still the same.
Today is the fifth month of my father's stay in heaven and their 38th wedding anniversary as well. I was planning for their renewal of vows. I've had it typed in my notes on the phone I'm using. I'm just glad that I was able to let him experience the money bouquet and money cake for their birthday and anniversary.
Everyday, I wake up demotivated, tired and empty. They told me that what I feel is normal for someone who is still grieving the love of their lives. They told me that I will learn to live with the pain of losing someone but I will never move on. I will just move forward and go on with my life. They told me that the longing and sadness will resurface from time to time and it will be like a twin I'll never get rid of.
As for me, I'm in the process of healing and just when I thought that I'm doing better, the reality will hit me big time and remind me that I'm broken, sad and mourning. I'll be able to get back in track because I have God.
God also lost His only Son, so He knows how painful it is to lose someone. God is the healer that I needed in order to get back to my feet and move forward. I can't do it by myself because I'm exhausted and I just wanted to getaway from everything.
As of now, I will treasure this moment in my life and let myself cry as much as I want, grieve as much as I want and be sad as much as I want. I will let myself go through this pain so when I have moved forward from what happened, and I see someone experiencing the same thing, I will know what to tell them and I will.listen to them as well.
***We might be heaven and earth apart for now but your memories and warmth will forever be in my heart. I love you forever and always.***
Love_16
February 23, 2022
Wednesday
Made of diamond
"I'm always here" they say,
But none was there when I needed them.
"I understand" they say,
Yet they judge me for what I say.
"I'll never leave you" they say,
Now here I am all alone.
I'm made of diamond I say
No one can hurt me I know
I'm made of diamond, yes I am
I shine brighter under the heat of pressure
I'm made of diamond I know
For I'm the strongest person I know
Love_16
February 16, 2022
Wednesday
@Love_16
