@Love_16 6 June 2022 more from that month

Nonsense Here I am sitting by myself after trying to keep myself busy just so I wouldn't have much time to think about the things that are happening around me. Today has been a tiring and confrontational day. I always wish to have someone whom I can share my thoughts, feelings or how my day went without the fear of being judged, ridiculed or back stabbed. I always wonder how a person can end up with his soulmate without even asking for desiring for it. I'm tired of explaining and defending myself because no matter what I say, I'll always be the one who's at fault mostly in everything. I'm not a bad person but I always end up getting hurt because I care too much. I'm just doing my best but no matter what I do, I end messing up or being in the wrong. I feel heavy emotions in my heart. I know that it's not because of the hormones. I've been in an unavoidable circumstance since then. I have a lot to say, but I can't find the words to say it. I have a lot of thoughts running in my mind but I can't come up with an agreement with myself on how I'll speak about it. I'm tired and restless that no matter how much sleep I get or how much food I take i can't be well rested enough. I'm in the point of my life where I just don't really care and I always tell myself to never care but I still end up caring and getting hurt in the end. Today, I broke one of my principles in life which is to never work on weekends. Since I have a lot in mind, I ended up working for I don't know how long just to keep my mind from thinking but I still ended up thinking about it over and over again. "Am I the one at fault?" "What did I do to deserve this?" "Until when do I have to suffer the same thing over and over again?" "Am I too much? "Am I not helpful and useful enough?" "Why is this happening?" No matter how much I think about it, I always end up blaming myself. Even when I try hard not to think about it, I still do so since it's something important. Another weak is about to come and I have to face it head on. I can't just always be sad or worried about something. I'm not appreciated and I perfectly know it. I'm just remembered when they need me but no one really cares. No does and no one ever did. I'm a background friend and a background family member. As painful as it sounds that is who I am. That is also one of the reasons why I'm not outgoing or I don't have the energy to do things. I think I just need sleep. Love_16 June 6, 2022 Monday