It's been 3 months yet I'm still adjusting. I've been challenged in almost all the aspects of my life. 2021 is not as easy as it seems just like today. I'm blessed and thankful for what I have and what I don't have.
I remember crying because of so many things. I cry silently and alone. I comfort myself not wanting to bother the people around me. I've been very vocal of how I wanted to quit since day one and I only ended up being scolded for not trying enough.
I realized that if I leave the company I wouldn't be able to go to the doctor anytime or buy the prescribed medicine I need to take. I wouldn't know what will happen to me if I stop working.
Honestly, I feel exhausted from all those things. I have to go back and forth to the doctor, pay the fare for my transportation, buy the new prescription, and be tired of everything.
I don't have enough sleep and rest. I don't feel hungry. I just buy snacks but don't actually eat it. I'm way too troublesome to the people around me and I don't want that to happen. I think my heart is tired that's why it has a delay in its beats. I thought that I just feel dizzy and lightheaded due to lack of sleep but I don't think it's the real reason.
I spent my Saturday with two of my friends in my first job. They were both on the go and I felt ashamed not to treat them to a decent meal since we're supposed to eat out to an unlimited samgyupsal but one of our groups of friends isn't available so we had to cancel the plan. I have to buy a new pair of pants since it has been my goal so I'll have pants to wear at the office.
I had fun. I enjoyed their company as well as laughing with them. We didn't get the chance to talk that much since the time is limited. I originally asked my older sister to come with me but she said that she doesn't want to since the atmosphere is way too hot. It's summer and I totally understand except for the fact that I told her how she never really wanted to come with me.
My friend told me how we don't have money before, whenever we go the mall but now I'm having a hard time choosing the right brand of new pair of pants.
After spending some time together, I'm still unable to share my own thoughts to them. I wanted to and I tried to but I really can't. The time and place isn't right to talk about such things. But I'm grateful for their company. I also bought my family pasalubong so I won't feel guilty eating out without them.
I'm slowly fulfilling the things which I needed to do. I have my new eyeglasses, I was able to help my mom with our financial needs, I am able to buy food for the family, I am able to try and eat out other food as well as treat my friends to a meal.
I'm happy whenever I treat my family with dishes and such. I want to be a blessing to them really.
Earlier today I woke up late, maybe because my body is slowly adjusting to my new working schedule which is from 4:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m. I'm back to the office by tomorrow and aside from that I feel excited since it's only the second time I'll have to go to the office.
I wasn't able to go to church but I was able to inform them that I woke up late. My mother, oldest brother and I went to a supermarket to buy groceries. I asked my siblings for what they want to have and they gave it to me through chat. There was just a mishap for my other brother since what I bout isn't what he wanted. My second oldest brother wasn't home and online that time so I gave him cash.
Then we went on to deliver the groceries to my siblings who has their own families. I was able to meet my nephews and nieces as well as my siblings and their spouse. I'm glad to see all of them happy and healthy in flesh.
I know that I'm spending too much but whenever I see my family happily eating and enjoying the food I bought makes me happy as well. I also feel like I'm spending way too much money to myself but I guess it's just my thoughts since I'm only buying what I needed.
I'm planning to eat out together with my mom, sisters and sister-in-law in celebration of the mother's day. I also see to it that I do as I promised and say. I'm happy to help and be a blessing to them.
My roller coaster emotion is relevant. My emotions and feelings are valid and I always have to make sure that I'm doing fine. Not just in words but in reality as well.
I might be struggling today but I'll surely be able to get through the day as well. I hope you're doing good as well.
Love_16
May 2, 2021
Sunday
