Unproductive Routine

It's stressful to have a job but it's more stressful when I have no job. I experienced both ways and it was an awful experience. I often think of wanting to return to my student days so I won't be have to think about the bills to pay or the responsibilities that I have. But the reality of life hits me hard. If I weren't in my parents home then I wouldn't be able to survive in the kids of pandemic.

When I was unemployed I cried a lot, didn't eat on time, doesn't sleep as I should and I was constantly bothered by the fact that I am unemployed. I was too desperate to the point that every single job advertisment has been tried by me. I even had to take a break from the social media because everything was just way too much for me to handle. I don't like to speak to people, I don't like being bothered and I spent most of my time cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. It's as if my mind feels at ease after I've cleaned the house.

Whenever I have the chance to talk to someone, I always tell them how stressed I am and how I long to be able to work and help in our financial needs. I would constantly rant about my current state and I'd hear the same response from different people. But their words of encouragement doesn't seem to sip through me. Especially in my heart. I know that I'm not okay and I will never be okay not until everything is in order.

I didn't even notice the fact that as I share, it was way too much for the people around me. I have been affecting them negatively. I also felt as though I shouldn't have told them what I feel or what I think about because it adds up to their worries. No one is interested enough to listen to me. Even if I try to tell them about it, they just have this thought of me being a nuisance to them and don't I have anything else to share aside from it?

But there's a few people used by God to check up on me and make sure that I'm doing okay. One of those people is someone least expected of me. You see, I know that she also has her own troubles but she never forgot me.

Are you still eating on time?

Are you sleeping well?

How are you?

I miss you.

Those simple words made me cry. The fact that she never forgot me as her friend, and she was always thinking about me is enough reason for me to know that she cares about me. Even if most of the people I expect to understand and never get tired of listening to me got tired, she was there to remind me that our friendship did not end when our paths did not cross again.

I always check on people and I'm known to be tough so no one really cares to ask me about how I'm doing and it's okay. One of my purposes in life is to do what others can't and make sure that no body feels the way I feel knowing that no one cares and no one is interested enough to be there for them when they needed someone to be with.

Now that I'm working, I feel so unproductive. All I do is to eat, sleep, work, repeat. My schedule constantly changes. From 9:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m. to 12:00 noon to 6:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. then to 1:00 p.m. to 11:00 p.m.

I was too exhausted that when my body just starts adjusting, I'd have a new schedule again. I don't how my body copes with it but one thing is for sure. I can't resign just yet. I badly need this job but I constantly mess up. I feel discouraged.

My current mindset will be 'this day shall even and tomorrow is like a reset. Forget yesterday and focus on today.'

If I'm able to surpass my day 1 then I can surely surpass this day as well.

If I am able to survive my first week, then I'll definitely be able to survive the next week as well.

If I am able to finish the 1st month, then I'll definitely be able to finish the next month as well.

If I have survived yesterday, then I'll definitely survive today and treat today as yesterday.

I'm blessed to be surrounded by positive people who always give me encouragement. I can definitely do it not because I can but because God can.

I sometimes wonder as to why God would allow me to go through this and find no specific answer in the end. Not all things need an explanation for me to understand. Most of the times I just need to have faith and trust God since he's the one to do everything for me. He perfectly knows what I need and he'll definitely make it happen.

To be honest, it's easy to cheer up someone, but it's difficult to cheer up yourself. If you don't trust yourself then who else will?

Love_16

March 17, 2021

Wednesday