One of the things that I hate is unfair treatment. It's selfish, hurtful and disheartening to the person who experiences this. Mo matter how many consoling words are spoken or encouraging words are given, the damage stays. It's a world where people are worthy only if you can give them something and they can give you something as well. But if you have nothing to offer except your skills, talent and strength, it's all useless.
I wish I also have a strong connection which can be considered as a string source of power or influence. I hate the fact that they always see me as an option to be given more work than the others just because they don't like my guts. They can't say anything about the work I do or the way I perform my tasks but they always have something to say about my attitude.
"She's a clockwatcher."
"She doesn't follow the schedule."
"She doesn't look up to her superiors."
"She's new, yet she acts up like that."
I'm in a working environment where people always wanted to be recognized as seniors equals superiors. They always see you as a competitor. Everything is a big deal. You are worthless if you can't give them anything. They always look for your flaws. They don't want you to be happy so they separate you from your coworkers who are new in the job as well. It's an environment where owing someone means being indebted forever.
I then realized that it's starting to affect me. It's crushing my spirit little by little. I don't know how long I'll last but I hope that I can last just until my youngest brother graduates from college. I just need to hold on for another four more years. I hate the fact that I'm hated even if they don't get to speak and mingle with me that much. They have a lot of complains against me.
She said that I might be doing something which I thought was okay when in fact it wasn't. The environment I'm in is not the one to adjust for me. I need to be the one to do so. I was removed as a higher level adviser because they don't like working with me at all. Well, I never belonged there anyway. Then now that I thought I can focus on one level, I was chosen to prepare for two meetings because it's what's convenient for them just because I'm new. It's like a punishment for me just because they don't like me at all.
"Don't think that you are demoted."
"Don't think that we don't like you."
"Don't think that we hate you."
That's how you make me feel. That what you're making me see. The seniors are untouchable. I'm not treated as a teacher at all. They think that I'm just an immature person. Well, guess what, I earned my degree through hard work. I got hired through hard work. I don't have any connections at all. I did not get it from owing anyone a favor. I did not cheat, instead, I waited and did my best twice.
I'm in an environment where I always need to be careful with my words and actions just because they can always use it against me. I need to be in constant guard of myself. I admit that I'm not perfect. I have a strong personality. I might be a little too busy or over the board with my words and I'm always misunderstood and misinterpreted but I'm constantly adjusting.
If they can't see the efforts I'm exerting or the things that I'm doing, it's not my loss. As for me, I'll just do my job properly since I'm getting paid for it. So this is actually why a lot of people get a crushed and broken spirit upon entering the public school system. The culture is not cultivating. It's crushing the person who is in there. Good things that I'm way too broken to be broken again.
I'm being punished for being me. I'm being punished for standing up for myself and for what I think is right. I'm always the option for something that is difficult. I'm always the pawn for something that is inconvenient. It's always me. Even if there are other people there, I'm still and will always be the best option to experience unfair treatment.
I actually felt at a loss and just when I thought all the issues and conflicts has been resolved, more and more issues arise. I don't even actually know if I'm just waiting for nothing. I'm questioning whether I did the right decision to quit my career as a service desk voice support from a good paying job with a lot of benefits during my most vulnerable time in life.
I'm also questioning whether this is what I really wanted to do for the rest of my life. I don't want to get stuck in this environment where everything is just as hopeless and unfortunate as it can be. I don't want to be the person who always experience the unfair treatment just because they don't like my guts. I don't want to always have this pained heart because of them. I just don't deserve it. Nobody deserves to stay in this kind of environment. It's way too toxic and it's bad for both my physical and mental health.
I just need to bear with it, especially now that I'm taking my masters degree, my brother is just a second year college student and just for a fact that I don't have any savings at all. I need to stay and bear with it somehow. I'll just keep telling myself to hold on just for a while so everything will be in place.
I'm also putting a limit to myself whereas I'll have to just simply need to have a work-life balance. I won't answer any work related stuff during the weekend. I'll take holidays as rest days. I won't also try to speak that much as it is what puts me in a tight spot.
I just know that one day, they will reap the things that they sow. The Lord will be the one to take vengeance for me who has been treated unfairly. A time will come when all the tables will definitely turn.
August 24, 2022