I had a misunderstanding with my mom last Tuesday. The end of my shift is at 4:00 p.m. I feel exhausted, hungry and sleepy. My body is still adjusting to my changing schedule every week. When I went down since I work upstairs, there's no meal yet. It was still too early for them yet too late for me. I've had much ice cream so I felt like I'm about to have colds because my eyes are watery and it wants to be shut at all times.
She went upstairs to check on her laundry and asked me to eat downstairs but I told her that I already lost my appetite and I just wanted to sleep. She told me to go down eat just a little bit and that's when I told her that the meal has to be prepared as early as possible so I can eat and sleep. My mom was hurt with what I said saying that she doesn't have rest either.
She's tired taking care of my sick father, she's tired of her work, she's tired of the housechores and most of all she's tired of having to do everything by herself. I tried to explain my side further but whatever I say is utterly useless. I've already hurt her. I was too insensitive not to think about how she feels. I was too selfish to think only about myself.
This isn't the first time I had trouble with meals at home. The first time was when they put the dinner at the ref and I have no time to reheat it but I can't eat it stone cold either. They were asleep so I had no choice but to make things fast. It was 1:00 a.m. I put the tupperware on the pan with water but then my brother woke up and told me that the tupperware will melt so I ended up not eating at all with only 4 hours of sleep. I was too tired so I went on and blabber about why do they have to put the dinner and the ref and such. I was angry and I know that it wasn't the best option for me to make but I still got angry.
I was able to write my article yesterday because it's connected to this one. I felt as though I was too unproductive and my life revolves around sleeping, eating, working repeat. I can't even have the time to talk to my family. I wasn't able to attend our life groups and whenever I'm at the church I constantly want to be home exactly by 11:00 a.m.since I still need work by tomorrow. I don't know how others can live up to this kind of lifestyle but I can't. It's really unproductive for me.
Last night I had a chance to speak with my mom while she does washing the dishes. My mom and youngest brother went to the market to buy our food supply. I wasn't even aware of the time they went out since I'm at work so when I went down after work they weren't around. When they went home I was finished having dinner at 5:00 p.m. I was at the kitchen counter with her
"I don't know why your father is sick. He isn't doing anything and he stays at home at all times."
I agreed with her and she continued.
"I had been working every morning and when I go home all the housechores are still mine so I wonder how he got sick."
I asked her why does my father felt weaker now that he has medicines to take.
"I don't know. Everything is given to him. From food, medicine, check ups and all. I don't know why he still feels so weak."
I was amazed by mom because even though she does all those things she is still happy. I never once seen her lose the smile on her face and just leave us and give up on this kind of living. My mom has been doing everything all by herself. She's like that always.
"How can you be so strong and positive about this ma?"
I was getting emotional while asking her and we're on
a hush conversation because I just felt like of I were in her shoes, I'll definitely just leave everything behind and think about myself even just for a few days but she never did any of those.
"You always need to smile."
Then she smiled at me as if showing me how to smile.
She continued talking to me by saying words which are uplifting at the same time inspiring.
"If you are already a mother, yourself comes last. If you are a mother, you will never wait for others to provide for you. I can't quit my job even if it doesn't pay me a good amount of money because I have a responsibility and part of it is not being a burden to my children. You are working not for us your parents. You must work for yourself. Buy what you want, eat what you like, travel more and enjoy life. I want you to enjoy because that is what I wasn't able to do so in my younger years. I don't want you or any of your siblings to end up like me. I have no career. I had been working for myself and for the family ever since. It's my choice to do so and I will never forget the responsibilities of a mom and a wife just because everything was way too difficult for me."
I want to cry in her arms and embrace her. She is indeed a tough woman.
I want to cry because I'm still single and yet I want to quit my job and my mind's a mess. I was just concern about myself. Honestly, I don't know what to think about anymore.
Our conversation last night made a huge impact in me. It's the reason why I want to have a work and enjoy my time with the family. I love my mom so much. I want to give her everything that I can offer. She deserves all the good things. If I am already too tired of my situation then how about her.
"Do you know why I sell things as my sideline? It's so that I will have money if ever you or your siblings need it. You must do what you want to do."
I am blessed to have her as my mom and I'll forever be grateful that I was able to experience this season of my life. It taught me a lot.
"I also have God. I just cry to Hina nd then I'm fine again."
Yeah, the best confidant is none other than God.
March 18, 2021
Related much ate... 🥺🥺🥺