Toxic workplace

Toxic culture.

Toxic people.

Toxic workplace.

It's been a while since I last wrote an article on read cash. The reason is because I'm too busy or I don't know how to start writing again after a long time. I don't know what words to write or what to say. I'm actually a mess at the moment.

Brave girl.

Strong and independent.

Never holding back.

No matter what people say to me, I'm still human. Even if I'm made out of diamond, I get hurt. I have feelings and emotions too just like anyone else. No one actually cares about me because I'm way too strong to handle. I have a string personality and I can't keep quiet if I'm getting aggrieved about something that I shouldn't be doing.

Bossy.

Disrespectful.

Doesn't follow the seniority at work.

Those are just a few of the things that they say about me. Honestly, I'm getting sick and tired of my workplace. I can't move or talk the way I want to. I can't be the way I should be. Every move I make is calculated. I can't trust anyone. I'm just way too tired and sick of everything. I'm strong as they say so no one asks me how I'm doing. I'm just glad that I actually have friends at work but work is work.

Questions after questions.

Doubts after doubts.

Complains after complains.

These words has been the cycle of my life and I'm not happy anymore. I stopped knowing what happiness really means since my father died. I also have personal issues but it's as thought the issues are never gone. They always have something to say against me when all that I do is work because I'm getting paid for it. I do my best to teach and not to get affected but it wasn't actually a good thing. I can't just ignore it. I'm just sick and tired of everything.

I sometimes wonder whether my decision to teach is right because of all the problems that I face. It hasn't even been a year, yet I'm known as a nuisance to others. I also start questioning my ability to teach. I'm wondering if my students are actually learning from me. I felt so unproductive. All that I do is to just go to work, go home and continue working.

I actually feel numb. I don't know how to be happy. All that I just think about is my family. I'm also planning that after my brother graduates in college, I'll quit, especially if I'm given the opportunity to work abroad. My sister told me that all workplaces has toxic people and that this has always been what I wanted but it isn't. I never wanted to work in a toxic workplace or work with toxic people.

I've been vomiting a lot lately. I can't even eat proper meal. The reason is all because of the toxicity that engulfs me each day. I'm tired and sick of everything but I can't be too selfish to just think about myself. My family needs me. I also have responsibilities that only I can do. My brother doesn't have a job while my sister lives with us at the moment since she just recently give birth via C-section. My savings are used up and I also have bills to pay.

I just pray that God will sustain me each day so I can have the peace of mind I've always needed. Honestly, I also thought that God was angry with me and He allow these things to happen because He Hayes me. I don't go to church anymore or give tithes and offerings. I don't pray often and I don't do my devotionals anymore.

But God loves me. He's the only one who truly understands me. Especially now that I don't understand myself at the moment. It's the enemy who wants me to be defeated by my own thoughts.

Love_16

September 30, 2022

Friday

Happy Teachers Day!