The problem

If there is a problem, there is a solution.

There's a rainbow always after the rain.

No matter where I go or what I do, I'm always the problem. Nobody wants to befriend me because I'm too blunt and my mouth has no filter. Nobody likes me because I'm too bossy. I remember that whenever there is a chance of having an open forum, everybody hates me. All of them has a complain against me. I talk harshly without considering the feelings of other people, I always have a rebut or a reason for everything that I am told. I always want everything to be done in time and I also want it to done perfectly. I am always the one to cause chaos and misunderstanding against one another.

I sometimes hate myself as well as to why I'm like this or why I'm way too strong for others. Everything always goes back to where it all started. I don't know if "toxic" is the right term to describe me but all that I know is the fact that nobody likes me truly. I can't give them what they want and I always see myself alone and lonely. I am not the type of person that others would want to be group mates with. Honestly, I don't even know whether I'll have real friends or not. Nobody likes me at all.

I honestly want to give up and just leave everything behind. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me and just keep things to myself. I hate myself for being too loud and for speaking things which ate irrelevant. I hate how I just open up easily to others and regret it afterwards. I don't even know what else could happen to me in the future.

I honestly want to give upon everything. They say that I'm brave and strong but all I see is my weakness and the fact that I am always the unwanted person in class, in a group of friends and in workplace. I'm also thinking that if my family is not my family, they wouldn't also dare try to think about me at all. I am the problem and I'll always be.

No matter how I try to run as far as I can or leave my current situation or status it all boils down to me. No matter where I go and no matter what I do, I am always hated for it. I am never the person that they want to be with at all. I'm a burden that they'll need to carry. I'm a walking chaos as everything around me gets destructed. Be it by my words or actions.

I'm getting punished for not being a kind and good person. I don't deserve to be here at all. I also think that I've never done anything for myself. I've never done something that I really wanted. Maybe they are right, maybe I'm really immature and that I deserve to be alone as I am way too much to handle.

The problem is me...

And will always be me...

Love_16

October 7, 2022

Friday