The pain of losing
Today is Sunday and we don't have physical or online service in our church but we have an online service with our mentor church. While I was attending the online service I was folding clothes as it is the day 2 of folding clothes. It picked up since we are a huge family. As I think about it now, I miss folding the clothes of my papa. He's now in heaven and it's his first Christmas there and our first Christmas without him. There is indeed a first in everything.
Yesterday, as I was laying in bed wanting to have an afternoon nap, I pressed on Moira Dela Torre's songs and there is this one particular song entitled "Pagitan" and the lyrics goes like this,
Di ko alam
San sisimulan
Kapag ba binitawan
Makakalimutan?
Sana naman
Napagbigyan
Ng kahit konting oras
Para magpaalam
Sana maintindihan
Di ko pa yata kayang
Hindi ka na makita
Pag gising sa umaga
Ikaw, kaw lang naman ang hanap
Kaw lang ang pinangarap noon
Paano na ngayon
Paano tanggaping wala ka na
Paano at saan Magsisimula?
Kung nasan ka man
Sana mapakinggan
Ang aking panalangin
Na ika'y mahagkan
Ng kahit saglit
Ng ilang sandali
O san kukuha ng lakas
Kung ikaw ang dahilan
Di ko maintindihan
Di ko pa yata kayang
Hindi ka na makita
Pag gising sa umaga
Ikaw, kaw lang naman ang hanap
Kaw lang ang pinangarap noon
Paano na ngayon
Paano tanggaping wala ka na
Paano at saan Magsisimula?
Kahit di pa yata kayang
Hindi ka na makita
Babangon sa umaga
Hindi ko pa man makita
Mahahanap rin ang kalma
Tulad nung nandito ka pa
Hindi na pipigilan ang luha
Sa bawat oras na maisip ka
Hindi mawawalan ng pagasa
Sa pagitan ng wakas, at ng simula
And while listening, I was crying my heart out because these are the right words that described how I felt at the moment. I don't know but I just felt incomplete and lost. I need my papa but at the same.time I need to live in the present and accept the fact that he's never coming back home because he's already home with God, in God's kingdom. He's no longer in pain.
I can't put the pain in words, and all I know is the fact that it's painful and I don't know until when it will keep on hurting. I'm in process of healing. I know that it will take some time, but I look forward to the day when I'll wake up with no stain of tears in my eyes.
Truth is, we don't have the authority over our stay here on earth and as what we're always told, the reason why were still alive is simply because of the fact that our mission on earth is not yet finished. We still have things which are yet to be accomplished.
I feel sad while writing this and it's okay. I feel like crying and it's fine. It's never a sin to feel sad, cry and pause from time to time. Everything takes time to process, heal and after everything, I'll definitely feel much better.
It's been three months and the pain is still there. The hurt is still there. The struggle and sadness each day that passes is still there. But there is hope and comfort in the Lord. It's way too painful but there is a time for everything and I know that it's definitely God's perfect timing to call my papa home in heaven.
If ever you're going through the same pain, struggle, hurt, problem, trouble or any circumstance, just know that there is an end to it. Pain is always temporary while the love of God is always available to anyone who needs it.
Love_16
December 26, 2021
Sunday
