As days go by and many things continuously change and happen around me, I felt as though I am suffocated. I want to breathe but I have no way to do it. It's as though everything around me is suffocating and tiring.
I want to breathe and in order for me to do it, I want to runaway to the unknown. I told my sister about wanting to leave and just turn my back of everything. I want to go to a place where no one knows me and just have my peace of mind.
If you are in my shoes you'll probably ask why do I feel this way when everything is within my reach. You'll probably compare yourself with me thinking that what you're going through us way more tiring and more worth complaining about but you won't do that saying that I just take things way too much.
I'm not happy nor sad. If there is in-between the two then it's where I'm at. I have my needs. I have a home, family, food, clothing and a decent job. I have my gadget and internet connection. I have basically everything that I need but I have no one. I'm alone but not lonely.
I often think of the people around me how blessed they are to have someone they can talk to and share their troubles with. They have their own families, partner, loved ones and friends whim they can confide with. While all I have is myself. I'm suffocated with the unhealthy and unproductive routine.
I'm not needed. No one really cares. I am always the one to reach out to them and ask how they're doing but no one checks on me. I was there when they needed someone to talk to but none of them is interested to listen. None of them sees me as someone worth their time.
The problem with being known as a strong person is the fact that they always think that you're okay. They always think that no problem or circumstance can faze you. It's as though there's a written note on your forehead stating that you don't need anyone to check on you and ask how you're doing.
I'm exhausted doing nothing. I'm angry with myself for always longing to have someone with me to listen even though I know that no one will. I'm angry at myself for being too dependent. I always want someone to accompany me every doctor's visit or even just simply going to mall or processing my documents.
I don't want to ask for them to take time for me but I always end up doing so. I want to be a blessing but I don't know if I'm a blessing. I don't want to ask for a favor but I always end up making the same decision which causes quarrel.
I always feel like I'm not needed so whenever someone asks for a favor, I gladly do it. I always cry by myself. I always keep things to myself. Be it my feelings, my struggles or even just a simple story about myself. They are just obliged to listen to me. They are not interested.
I blame myself for my current situation. If only, I was able to get the position I've always wanted, then I wouldn't need to be where I'm at. They said that if there's a will, there's a way and I did my best. I cried for failing. I cried for disappointing them. I cried for not knowing what will happen next. I cried for my shortcomings.
I'm happy knowing that someone needs me. You see, every single person whom I've been with will tell you how they hate me and they will tell you that they hate me for my attitude and such. I'm always doing my best but how is it that it always end up this way?
Can't I just be with myself?
Isn't this what I've always wanted?
Until when do I need to live this way?
Why do I always end up doing what I said I won't?
No one wants to listen.
I love listening because I know how it feels wanting to speak up and share but no one is there to listen. I love reaching out to people because I know how it feels not received any 'how are you?' the whole week. I love the feeling of being needed because it's what makes me realize how much I mean to someone. At least you think of my whenever you need someone to be with or to just even listen to you.
Out of all the encouragements I heard, the most effective is this one.
Jeremiah 29:12 NIV
Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
Jeremiah 29:12 New Living Translation
In those days when you pray, I will listen.
Jeremiah 29:12 English Standard Version
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.
God is the only one interested to listen. God is the only one who understands even when I myself can't. God is the only one who hera's me. He knows exactly how I feel. He knows exactly what I need and want.
This will be the least time I'll write about this. Thank you for taking time to read this. I really appreciate it. It's as though you listened to me through reading this.
I'm not hoping to share my burdens to you. I'm just hoping to at least unleash what's running on my mind. Thank you for existing. Thank you for being there for me.
Love_16
April 3, 2021
Saturday
