Reality of life

The talk with the boss last night was an eye opener for me. Nothing in this world is permanent. You are the one to choose your own path and destiny. I've been very vocal about my thoughts and feelings with my current job. Yes I am grateful and blessed to be employed and having the ability to help my family with our financial needs. I'm on a work from home set up and I'm able to go to the doctor anytime. I also have the money to buy my needs little by little. I can buy the food for our family and gifts for their birthdays.

It was such a wonderful experience since I was also able to buy new eyeglasses and I have the money for my meds. I don't have any savings yet but I'm glad because I have the ability to help myself.

I am lacking in so many things and I admit that. Last night I realized that my best will never be good enough. I only have a week left to prove myself before they get to decided whether I'll stay in the company or not. I have mixed emotions but I'll forever be grateful no matter what decision they'll come up with.

It's true that if you're not fit for the job then you won't last. I've always wanted to resign since the job was way too difficult for me so I was actually thinking which is better.

Is it to resign or to wait for their final verdict?

I'm just worried because all the expenses at home will be shouldered by my mom. I guess there'll be no more spending for me in the meantime.

I hope when my sister reads this she won't ask my anything about this. I don't actually want to talk about this anymore. 😅

Today, I was surprised that I woke up a little later than expected. I always have 4-5 hours sleep but today I slept for about 8 hours yet I still feel sleepy. Maybe it's due to stress. I just wanted to lie down and sleep all day. I'm glad because it's just 2 days left before the week ends. I'm grateful that I'll be having the best time to spend with my family. We will actually be spending mother's day at my sister's house. I want to celebrate the beautiful and strong women in our family maybe this is the last time that I'll have theoney to spend for them.

I actually have 1 last unfinished project at home and that will be the water tubes which needs to be replaced so we won't need to open and close it every now and then.

Everyday is way too long. It's way too much to bear as well. I don't like what I'm doing and I'm unhappy. Happiness isn't what's important when you have a job. What's important is to pay your bills and do a job well done. The boss also told us that we are paid right so we must do a job well done which is also true. I'm paid so I must work accordingly. I have no right to complain since the company is paying me for my work.

Oh, did I also mention that I did not pass the training? I only got 58/100. So how will the company still hire me right? I'm also inconsistent in what I do. I also have this mindset that I have no right to be happy because if I do, then something bad will surely happen. I have no right to get close to anyone because if I do I'll get attached, and I'm sad to even think about quitting and leaving the people I knew just because everything is way too difficult for me. I've also been telling them that I'll resign and maybe I'll do it in the latter days.

The standard is high since the pay is high as well. The pressure is there since I'm expected to do a job well done.

I told my family about this and they all have the same thought in mind. What else are you asking for? You're on a work from home set up. Isn't it way too early to give up? If you lose your job then what will you do? Be a bystander? One year will past by in a blink of an eye. You won't notice it.

I'm just exhausted and I wanted to go back to teaching. I want to teach since it's my forte. I'm tired of the same unproductive cycle. Yes, I have the money but I'm unhappy and I don't like the fact that I'm always on a 50/50 basis. Not knowing whether I'll wake up the next day with the same job or not. I have no reassurance. The schedule is also difficult for me. The boss also told us that if we need to work every Saturday then we'll do it. It's paid but it must be our off as well.

I'm also unhealthy. I have another heart problem which isn't serious (according to google) but dangerous when there's feeling of fainting or actually fainting. My hemoglobin is low and my urinalysis did not came out well. I don't know what else to think about.

I wanted to last in the company for at least 6 months but I don't know if it'll still happen. I know how considerate are the people around me but I can't think of any other reasons to stay in spite of everything. May be you'll also say the same thing.

Such as there are many people who longs to be in your current position. You're blessed to have a huge salary. You have everything anyone can ask for but no. That's not the case for me. I'm grateful for all this things but I don't want to stay and have the same thoughts and have the same feelings all over again.

I consider my family at all times. I don't want my mom to be stressed out with where to get our financial needs so I'm looking for a new job and a new side line. I'm grateful because I'll have a two hour tutorial lesson every Saturday.

I really wanted to go back in teaching. It's where I belong and it's where I'm supposed to be at the moment.

I also need to buy a brand new laptop which I'll be using in teaching.

Am I selfish?

Love_16

May 6, 2021

Thursday