I came to a point in life when I no longer want to do anything with any negativity around me. As much as possible I would want to spend my time with the people who matters most and be productive by reaching my dreams and goals in life. Whenever I think of quitting or feeling exhausted, I always go back to my goal and as I look back at it, I feel motivated once again.
There are different phases of life and I am now on the adulting phase. I know that I'm just 23, still too young to pursue my dreams and goals in life but one thing that got me so bad is the thought of comparing myself with others. During the lockdown period last year, I often feel so ashed of myself to the point that I don't like to speak that much with the people around me, especially my working friends.
It's as though I've had this insecurity which I never knew existed in the first place. I had to take a break from social media so I won't compare myself to them. I decided not to take much time asking how they're doing since I know that they are all doing good and I don't want to be a bother to them.
I hate it when my father tells his friends about my failure in getting hired in the public school that I even told him not to tell anyone about me and I asked him that if he doesn't have anything else to talk about then he must not drag me along.
I was too desperate to find a job that I applied online, being scheduled for interview and doing demo but to no avail, I was never hired. I just went through the process and I always end up receiving an email which states that I was not hired and they found someone who fits the role better. I spent too much time using my phone to look for a job but I was never hired.
I was too stressed out that I don't eat on time, I don't sleep that much and I also had nightmares. My previous nightmares that time weren't too serious not until December 23 when I woke up crying and thrashing on the bed with my brother trying to wake me up and embraced me for comfort. I don't feel hungry at all. I don't want to talk to anyone and I just want silence.
I became too sensitive to noise which somehow caused a misunderstanding between me and my father. Everyday I wake up feeling tired and empty with nothing else to talk about but me being miserable for not having a job and thinking of all the what ifs of life. I was not the best version of myself last year that I even affected the people around me.
My mom being the understanding she is always shows me how much she cares for me. She will never force me to speak to her about anything but she often reminds and makes me feel that I am never alone. One time I ended up telling her how I feel, maybe because I was comfortable enough and I trust her knowing that she is my mother. I know that even if the world turns its back on me, my mom will always be the one to cover me.
Whenever I was given the chance to share what I'm going through, I kept on saying the same thing, over and over again. It's as if I am a broken record which cannot say anything else aside from my troubles about being unemployed and if you have read my previous articles, you will also know that I have been repeating the same thing over and over again.
I've seen myself as a burden to my family and I felt utterly useless for doing nothing. It's as though I can't get enough of my mindset that I am someone who's of no value. But my mom and my siblings tell me otherwise, saying that it's just on my mind and no one has ever thought about me like that. My churchmates also encourage me but it doesn't help me at all. I always end up thinking that they just say those words when in fact they don't know how exactly I feel or they don't have the slightest idea of my internal turmoil. But they were persistent in praying for me and my family. They were always there if ever I needed someone to talk to.
I only have two circle of friends which I consider the best. As you know I'm introvert and I'd rather spend time listening than talking. I don't have that much social life and even my social media accounts are of no use to me. I don't post a lot or connect to people that much. It's as if I don't have the power and the energy to do those things.
My first group of friends are my friends in college. We are a group of 4 girls and 2 boys. All of us are licensed teachers and it's only I who's not on the teaching field as of the moment. We chat via messenger but we never got the chance to meet in person not until the month of January. We kept sharing our memories on facebook in which we have photos together and we make the comment section as the group chat. Whenever we can't with each other, we talk about when we'll meet and set up the date and time in which it never happens.
Just this January, me and the other three girls were able to meet since we're only one ride away from each other unlike the two boys who lives in province so it's kinda difficult to meet with them especially during pandemic but let me assure you that whenever we have the chance to meet we do so. So it's been 3 years since the last time we personally meet each other so when we talked about life for at least two hours, all of us felt like the time was too short to make up for the three years we haven't met.
They shared that they have experienced the same thing I did. They also felt emotional and they can't help but to compare themselves to others. The only difference is that they have a job and I don't. They also talked about our college classmates who were either late or absent in school but now they have successful business and they also have successful careers which aren't in line with teaching but nevertheless those classmates of ours are way too far from our current status.
But the again, I had to rethink and reevaluate what success means and how it actually affects an individual in many aspects. Are you successful if you have a car, house and lot, career, love life, business and so on? How do you measure success? How can you say that a person is indeed successful? What are the qualifications that a person must possess in order for him to be considered successful?
Then I've had a chance to speak to my former workmates in private school who chose to stay even if the working hours have been and extended and their salaries have been reduced, just simply staying for the reason of receiving their certificate of employment which they can only attain after finishing the contract. They were stressed out and my former boss constantly asks them about me and my current job. Good thing that they were all kind enough not to mention anything about my unemployment.
We still haven't met each other but at least we can speak via chat and video call. We still have this fair understanding of each other's situation and we always find time to ask how each of us are doing from time to time. They were also happy given the fact that they'll finally be able to look for a more rewarding job and it also shows how each of us are eager to see each one successful.
For me, success isn't measured on what you have or what you have achieved. It is actually measured on who you've become.
Yes, we need money in order to live and survive. We need it to provide for our basic needs as well as for education, health, pleasure, travel and so much more but we also need to realize that money isn't everything. It might be something but it isn't everything.
The standard of success for the world are money, fame, luxurious items, rich living but it's all just temporary. What's eternal is the relationship we have with the people around us. What will you do if you have a lot of money and yet you have broken relationships to the people people around you. It might give you temporary happiness but it doesn't show you the most important thing which are the people around you.
What happened to you after having money? Who did you become?
As of now, I'm saving up for my dream house because I want my parents to experience living in a stress free neighborhood. They are not getting any younger so I want to spoil them the best way I know and I can. I also treasure good health now more than ever. Money is useless if it can't be used for curing my physical ailments.
What I desire for now are peace of mind and financial stability. I won't be a hypocrite and tell you that I don't need money. In fact, it's the reason why I'm working but what I'm trying to say is that money can be earned but the lost time with the people we love can never be turned back. We can never bring money after we die, so we must value and treasure what's more important.
May you also find the peace which all of us longs for.
Love_16
March 3, 2021
Wednesday
