Parenting Advice: Motivating without pressuring the child

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2 years ago

Parents has dreams for their child. That dream somehow fuels the parents to work harder so they can provide the needs of their kids. No parent will ever want their child to experience any bad thing. All parents want their children to experience all the good things they were never able to experience.

Expectations are good but it also has bad effects just like any other thing that is too much. Parents has expectations for their child as they know that a baby is growing in the mothers womb. That expectation grows as the baby grows as well.

When a baby starts eating, talking, walking on its own, parents couldn't have been any prouder but that proud moment doesn't last for long. At a specific age a parent has an expectation to his child.

I want my child to become a doctor, policeman, soldier, nurse, teacher, engineer, architect, etc. This is completely normal but as the child grows and has his own wants and desires in life, a parent's expectation becomes lessen.

Expectations take a lot of pressure for the expectator and the one being subject to expectations. High grades, quality school, perfection, good in anything such as academic or extracurricular activities.

Give words of affirmation.

Good job!

You did well!

I'm so proud of you!

Second place is also okay.

That's my son!

This words help encourage a child whenever he feels upset or he feels as though he failed. Remember that grade isn't everything. This somehow trains the mind of the child that no matter what he does, his parents are there to stick with him. Kids need an assurance that they are never alone in every single battle or competition they face.

Words of affirmation are not just words. It boosts the self-confidence, self-esteem and the morale of the child. A child filled with words of affirmation as he grows is surely to grow with enough confidence with himself. Building self-esteem must start at home and parents must be the first one to appreciate their own kids.

Personal Experience:

You can't expect a six year old child to draw like a pro. You have to level your perception with the age, ability, strength and talent of the child.

For example, if a child tries to draw even though it isn't as beautiful as it should be, his efforts are enough to show you and make you realize that he is trying his best to make a beautiful art just to present it to you.

My 4 year-old nephew likes to imitate his sister whenever she draws. Her sister is a better artist than him but he does his best whenever he draw. He showed me drawing saying that it was Pou. I don't know if your familiar with it but it makes him so happy to show it to me. Even if it's just an oval shape with two dots as its yes and a curve as its smile.

"Wow! Good job. Draw some more."

It encouraged him to do better and draw something different. As days passed by he was able to learn a few more things to draw. He tried painting as well. It's not as good and as beautiful as it should be but his efforts are enough to make him feel appreciated.

Set your expectations in the level of the child.

When can you say that your child has done enough? Or your child did his best?

Is it when he is the number one in class? Is it when everyone praise him? Or is it when he is the best?

I know that all parents will want their kids to be in the first rank but if the child lands in the second place, it's not a big deal. It's not as though your child didn't do his best or that he could've done better.

Personal Experience:

I have this student who often gets upset with himself whenever his score in the test is way too low for his own expectation. He was always ranked number 2 with an average not lower than 90%. I was able to notice it when at four consecutive weeks he was ranked number two he looked so disappointed with himself I took some time to talk to him.

"This is never good enough for my mom."

I was about to ask him more details but I know that he doesn't want to tell me anything else. Then I came to have a chat with his mom. That's when I knew why he was so worried whenever he sees himself in rank number two.

"His father and I works so hard in order for them to have a batter future. He's supposed to be in rank one because all he does is to study."

These words left me speechless. I don't know what to say because our initial conversation was about all the positive things that her son does at school, but all she was able to see was her son being rank number two. After that encounter I talked to my student once again and encouraged him that grade isn't everything.

Give them reward.

Most of us thinks that rewards must be given only to those who has performed well and reached our expectations but reward must be given to those who has given their best, exerted an effort and performed well even though they weren't able to be the rank one in class.

Everybody wants to receive a reward be it a small or a huge kind of reward it doesn't matter. Every effort deserves a reward. That reward will remind them that they did well, they are doing okay and that they are appreciated even if they are not the number one in class.

Personal Experience:

Whenever my 4 year-old nephew and his 9 year-old sister do good, they receive a small kind of reward as a token of appreciation for their efforts.

We sometimes treat them in fast-food chain, buy them toys, stamp them with star aside from words of affirmation.

Those little rewards push them to do better next time and to be more confident with themselves.

Never compare them to others.

It's insulting and degrading whenever a peron is being compared to someone else. Each person is different from each other. Each ahold has his own strength and weaknesses. It's never a good thing to compare a child to others especially is it's his siblings.

It makes him see himself lesser than his siblings and it gives a negative impact to his self-esteem. Parents must know and understand that a child can never be the same with his siblings. He has his own talent and his own strength which is a strong point for him.

Personal Experience:

I never heard my parents compare me and my siblings with someone else which I am sometimes guilty about. I tend to compare and point out the strong and weak point of a person to another person.

"You must never compare yourself with others. You are you and they are they. No one can ever be better in being you than yourself."

These are the exact words that my mom tells me whenever I feel like comparing myself to others. She always reminds me that I am unique and beautiful in my own way. I don't have to be like the others in order to feel more appreciated. I just have to be me and do my best.

Even though we are eight siblings my parents acknowledge that we are never the same with each other. We might have a few similarities but our differences are more dominant than our similarities. My parents know each of us from the top of our heads up to the tip of our toes so they perfectly know how to handle each of us.

Allow you kids to enjoy learning.

To enjoy learning means to allow them to explore and know themselves better. It's important that a child sees learning enjoyable rather than to see it as a burden for putting him under to much pressure.

The pressure might come from the parents, siblings, relatives and other environmental factors.

Personal Experience:

I have this one student who is never satisfied with herself even though she is always the rank one in class. One time while we are having a class she broke down and cry which startled me and her classmates. I asked why she was crying but she wasn't able to answer. Her best friend answered for her.

"She was upset because she feels like she didn't do enough from our previous exams."

The pressure is just too much for her to bare. She always want to make her parents proud and she never wanted to give her aunt any reason to stop supporting her studies. She always see to it that she stays on top because it's what's expected from her.

I comforted her by saying that the more she feels pressured, the more she'll feel more exhausted than ever.

I grew up in a family with no expectations. My parents just wanted us to finish our studies even without honor. They wanted us to enjoy rather than feel pressured about it.

My brother who supported I and my sister's studies was a deans lister. He was very smart but our parents never expected us to be the same us him because they know they we are different from him.

As a parent it's important to allow the kids to enjoy and not just focus on their academic status. Yes, grades are important but it's not everything.


January 3, 2021


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