Papa's 40 days

My mom, my youngest brother and I, went to supermarket yesterday. We bought grocery and afterwards we went to the market. My mom and I bought chicken legs, 3 pieces of whole chicken, and ground pork for lumpiang Shanghai. My mom and I went home at around 7 p.m. last night.

I prepared the graham while my mom prepared the lumpia and the biko. My mom and I slept at around 12 midnight as we tried to prepare everything needed for today. My mom woke up at 4 a.m. to finish the preparations. I woke up at 7:45 a.m. Prepared for my meeting at 9 a.m. which lasted until 12:30 p.m. I decided to take a bath while I'm on a meeting since the meeting is online and I also had a lot of things to do.

I had a quick meeting with my kids from 1 - 1:20 p.m. then had my lunch. My siblings, their spouses and their kids are here at home so it's kinda hot and we also had a prayer vigil for my father as well as two visitors. I wore white shirt and white shorts. I made sure that I can do everything I can to help in our house works.

Today marks the 4oth day of not having my father around. I still can't get used to this setup. My father is now in heaven. I've seen him in my dreams thrice where he is happy and he told me not to feel sad anymore but I can't help but still feel the emptiness and sadness in my heart.

My heart still feels heavy knowing that I can no longer see, hold and hear him anymore. I miss his "I love you's". I just simply miss him. I always long to have my father around as he is my solid foundation. The saddest part about losing him is the fact that he is no longer within my reach and no matter what I do, I can't reach him anymore.

Last Sunday, I went to Venice with my former colleagues. It was the first time that we will personally meet. I've worked with the for a few months and I can say that my relationship with them is better than any friendships I've had. We slept and the sunny thing is that I was asked for my ID as the guard said that they ask for the ID of the minors. My friends and I laughed it out and it was such a funny experience. At least I don't look that old.

It was 5:30 in the afternoon and while me and my friend waits for our other friend, we decided to sit in the lobby. As we were sitting there, we saw a butterfly flew right before my eyes. I was startled and asked my friend if she saw it as well and she said yes. I told her that it might be my father telling me to come home early.

She intently listened to me and afterwards she no longer talked about it anymore. My father's habit is to send me a chat asking me to come home early. It was as though he tells me that he's watching me and he's just always beside me. I wanted to cry that time but I know that he wouldn't like it if I do as he never wanted to see me cry.

I though that I'm okay and I'm already starting to cope with what happened so I told papa that I'm setting him free and he can now forever be at peace in the arms of God. I'm not okay but I'll definitely feel better with each day that passes by. I'll get used to the fact that I can only see my father in photos and videos. I'll get used to the fact that he's no longer with us physically but he'll forever live in our memories and hearts forever.

"I love you pa, and I'll always do. Please know that I'll keep safe and healthy for mama and my siblings."

"You will forever be remembered as the best father who took care of me since I was a baby until now. In my memories, you are always alive and happy. You will be kept close to my heart forever and always."

"I love you!"

Love_16

November 3, 2021

Wednesday