Papa (Father)

He was the first man who loved me dearly. Most of the things he does are difficult to understand but one thing's for sure, it is all for my own good.

I grew up with my father taking care of us. Since my mom is the one working and providing for our daily needs, my father is the one responsible to send us to school, feed us and serve as our mom and dad.

I don't remember much from my childhood about Him. Weird right? Even though he was the one who is always with us, I can't tell a story about him during my childhood days.

When we stayed here in Manila I started to see his shortcomings and his imperfections. I was wondering as to why does my mom has to work instead of him? If only he was the one working then I wouldn't grow up in his care. Why does he has favoritism with us siblings? As a father he must treat us the same. Why does he always like to put himself first before us? He must think of us before he thinks of himself. Why does he like to argue with me? Not because he is a father, he is always right. Why can't he just let me be? He always pry in everything I do.

He is so selfish. He is cruel just to me. He is not fit to become a father.

I also labeled him as an attention seeker. He wants everyone to focus on him. He wants everyone to keep their yes on him. He wants everyone to put him first

Those were my thoughts which I never voiced out. It turns out I was completely wrong for judging him. I was so wrong to take notice of his imperfections while disregarding every single good thing that he does. I instantly regretted thinking badly about him.

When we were in province he was the one taking care of us. It hurts him to see my mom go and leave us when it should have been him. He was the one who does what a mom does for his children. He did the house shores with the help of my older siblings. He goes to the sea to catch fishes just so we have fresh food to eat. He was the one nursing my younger siblings who constantly cry looking for our mom. It breaks his heart to know and see us crying looking for our mom, but he won't say a thing. He will just hold us and sit us in his lap until we stop crying and fall asleep. He was the one disciplining us and keeping us from danger. He was there when no one else would, to look after us.

We also experienced getting expelled from our own home. His relatives decided to get the house that's ours just because they don't want us there. We had to look for another place to live, thankfully there was an old woman who decided to take us in even when we weren't her relatives.

Surely my father's heart was breaking while we had to move out, but because he is our father he did not allow us to see him cry. Surely he blamed himself and decided not to tell our mom so she won't worry about us. Surely he cries at night when all of us are past asleep. Crying and blaming himself for not doing enough for not being good enough for us.

My father being the tough man he is never mentioned anything about it. I was too young to understand but my siblings were old enough to remember. He was steen in his decisions and he never wanted to be looked down.

All my point of view about him were all wrong. He loves us the same. He might look like he has a favorite but it's because some of my siblings needed his attention more than I do. He let my mom work instead of him because he knows that my mom earns more than he does. Even when it pains him he chose to stay and take care of his 8 children all by himself. He might seem selfish but he is actually selfless. The money he has were used for the entire family. I judged him that he doesn't deserve to be a father, when it is I who doesn't deserve to be his daughter.

This made me realize that most of the times I don't need to understand everything. He is my father and everything he does is for my own good.

He doesn't always speak a piece of his mind but not because he doesn't, he doesn't care. He cares more than anyone.

He is a tough man who was able to uphold a tough family.

When I was in college I had my first phone. He will always chat me asking how am I doing, why am in not home when it's late, do I need anything, have I eaten and so much more. I got mad at him for asking me about what I'm doing. I got mad at him for constantly checking on me as if I'll do anything wrong.

"I always check on you because I always worry about you. Now, if that bothers you a lot I won't do it again. I'm really sorry. It was never my intention to irritate you."

I just thought that he was strict for nothing when in fact he is still the same father who was with me since I was little. It thought that he was just over acting, when in fact, he still remembers every single thing about me. I'll forever be his little girl.

When he got sick last December 2018, he has to stay in the hospital for a few weeks. I cried my heart out thinking that he takes too long in the hospital. When I went there I prayed for him and cried. He has dextrose and we can't talk to him properly due to the side effects of his medicine. I felt pity for my father. He can't even speak his mind because of his disease.

He got healed and went home but he was not the same. Maybe bacuse he has blood transfusion and too many medications. He is now 62 years old. He is easily irritated and whatever he wants, he must get it.

I was thinking how I was when I was a kid. I might have acted the same. I might even cry but he will never lay a hand on me. He is always patient and loving. He might be too strict but it's because he wants me to always be safe.

My heart aches for him because he is growing old and the proof is seen in his body. He is no longer the strong man I've known. Knowing his value is what matters the most. I don't want to live in regret that I wasn't able to be good and kind enough for him or that I wasn't there when he needed me the most. He is growing old and I want to be there for him because he was with me during my rough times.

He is a father, a grandpa, an in-law, a friend, a brother, a son. He lives his life not for himself but for others. He has lots of friends because he is a good man. He has taken responsibility and never turned away from us no matter how difficult our life gets. He stood still in order to be our foundation. He is more than whom we deserve to have as a father.

He is a true Superman and no matter what we've gone through, no matter how may times I anger him, his love for me never falters. We might have argued and misunderstood each other but a parent can never see his child having a hard time. He knows his boundaries and he knows that his discipline to us is a sign of his never ending love.

No matter how much I grow old, I'll forever be his little princess.

Love_16

November 27, 2020

Thursday