Nonsense

Here I am sitting by myself after trying to keep myself busy just so I wouldn't have much time to think about the things that are happening around me. Today has been a tiring and confrontational day.

I always wish to have someone whom I can share my thoughts, feelings or how my day went without the fear of being judged, ridiculed or back stabbed. I always wonder how a person can end up with his soulmate without even asking for desiring for it.

I'm tired of explaining and defending myself because no matter what I say, I'll always be the one who's at fault mostly in everything. I'm not a bad person but I always end up getting hurt because I care too much.

I'm just doing my best but no matter what I do, I end messing up or being in the wrong. I feel heavy emotions in my heart. I know that it's not because of the hormones. I've been in an unavoidable circumstance since then.

I have a lot to say, but I can't find the words to say it. I have a lot of thoughts running in my mind but I can't come up with an agreement with myself on how I'll speak about it.

I'm tired and restless that no matter how much sleep I get or how much food I take i can't be well rested enough. I'm in the point of my life where I just don't really care and I always tell myself to never care but I still end up caring and getting hurt in the end.

Today, I broke one of my principles in life which is to never work on weekends. Since I have a lot in mind, I ended up working for I don't know how long just to keep my mind from thinking but I still ended up thinking about it over and over again.

"Am I the one at fault?"

"What did I do to deserve this?"

"Until when do I have to suffer the same thing over and over again?"

"Am I too much?

"Am I not helpful and useful enough?"

"Why is this happening?"

No matter how much I think about it, I always end up blaming myself. Even when I try hard not to think about it, I still do so since it's something important.

Another weak is about to come and I have to face it head on. I can't just always be sad or worried about something. I'm not appreciated and I perfectly know it. I'm just remembered when they need me but no one really cares. No does and no one ever did.

I'm a background friend and a background family member. As painful as it sounds that is who I am. That is also one of the reasons why I'm not outgoing or I don't have the energy to do things.

I think I just need sleep.

Love_16

June 6, 2022

Monday