No more tears left to cry

I'm sad and I know it but I don't know when was the last time that I had been really happy at all. I miss my ftaher so much but I know that no matter how much I miss him, he will never be with us anymore. I need to process my emotions I know but I don't have the chance to stop, sit down, process what happened and cry to my heart's content.

I am wronged but it's okay. God will be the one to take vengeance for me. I always ask myself if I am still normal because I can't cry anymore. I don't know how to cry or it's just that no tears are coming out of my eyes. I have a lot of problems and troubles in life but everytime I share it to others, they use it against me. They see it as an issue and they listen to respond.

I have no money at all. Whenever I have money, there is always a misfortune that happens. The first time I had money, I only have half of my salary for one month. I used my money for my and my brother's allowance. Then my laptop's screen was broken because of out cat. Then I was blamed for it.

The second time I had money, my phone for almost three years got broken. It's battery inflated. It doesn't function the same anymore. So I had to buy a new one. It's a necessity for me. Since I have a lot of online transactions and stuff to do.

The third time that I had money, our washing machine was broken. I wasn't on speaking terms with my mom because even if I talk to her ah doesn't want to speak to me. I hurts to know that it's okay for her to lose her other children just to make sure that my youngest brother is okay.

All different types of disrespect be it words and actions were done by my brother but she always tells me to just be more understanding because I'm older but I'm not a robot. I also have feelings and emotions. I'm hurt but why do I have to be the one to keep quiet? Why do I always have to put up with the disrespectful remarks and treatment?

I bought a new washing machine but she was unhappy. She doesn't appreciate it. I'm hurt but I can't show it because they won't understand. I was never selfish, but I am called selfish.

If I'm selfish, I would just think of myself and not give her money.

Honestly, it's easier to accept that it's my fault because at least, I have no choice but to love myself even more and accept myself. Than to put the blame to other people because I can never ask them to change their ways or to respect me as much.

I never said that I was the one who sustains the family needs. I was never boastful. I have to be okay bacause I have no one else but myself. I want to just give up, leave and never return. I want to be alone and just do what I want to do.

I don't know why do I have to be treated this way. It was just way too unfair in the first place. I don't deserve this but why is it that I'm always in this tight spot?

I want things to change. And I think that the only way it will change is if I leave. I think they will be happy once I left.

December 1, 2022

Thursday