What comes to your mind whenever you experience hardship?
This question is what I've been pondering about since lockdown. I'm not sociable which makes me vulnerable to unpleasant thoughts. As I kept on writing, I am the least person you'll ever want to be with. I'm mean and I just look average. May it's also one of the reasons why I am not the type of person to be chosen to be a friend or to become ideal.
Whenever I'm confronted with hardship and difficulty, I am constantly anxious and worried. I'm easily agitated which doesn't seem like most of the times. There's too many thoughts running on my mind and it's way too exhausting.
I want to tell my story but no one wants to listen. Maybe it's the reason why I found escape and solitude in writing. This way, I can share my thoughts and feelings. I have the freedom to choose the words I want to say and even if no one bothers to listen, I feel safe and secured. It's as if weight was lifted from my shoulders.
Our cat gone missing a few days ago and I miss her so much. She was such a nice cat who has a little bit of an attitude and she likes invading personal spaces. We've looked for her and I even posted it on social media but she's still missing. I don't know how it happened because I'm often awake at dawn since my duty was from 2:00 a.m. to 12:00 noon. We even have commotion at home and I even blamed my brother for not looking out the window when he heard that there was a noise on the roof at 12:00 midnight. He was watching horror movie that time so he was kinda scared to look out the window.
My older brother was too angry that he chose to keep silent. He loved our cat dearly since she likes to cuddle with him. She also likes staying on their bed to sleep.
My father has a heart enlargement. He is too weak. He can't sleep while lying down so he sleeps sitting while swaying his body because he loses his balance. My siblings and I talked about it and I just wanted to cry whenever I think about his condition. I love my father and I want him to walk me down the isle even I'm still single. I don't want to lose him. I love him so much. He's not the same anymore. He can't have the same mind he has before. He thinks differently. He's always tired and he can't even do simple tasks.
I want him to have longer life so we can travel and do things together with him. I still want to bring him to the beach even if it's just for a while. I want him to forget that he has physical sickness.
My mom is constantly exhausted. She works as a street sweeper in the morning, then she still has to take care of our father and our household chores. She doesn't have anything for herself. She is way too selfless to begin with. I know that she's tired but she never complains about it.
I want to help her in any way I can and the only way I know is by working and doing the best I can in my current job.
I have a job but I'm unhappy and I always feel pressured. I always hear the words, you can do it, take it easy, you'll eventually get used to it, just be grateful that you're employed, you'll get better in what you do, but all of those doesn't affect me anymore. Truth is, I have to be practical. I can't take the things around me for granted. I want to go back to teaching and enjoy but it's not possible at the moment. I need job and now that I have it, I don't think I need to like it. I have to do what this job requires of me so I won't feel guilty for receiving my salary yet doing nothing. Each day I wake up telling myself that I can do it. My family has adjusted for me so the least I can do is to do my job.
I don't want to go back to the time when I was always crying for not being able to help my family. I am grateful to this job but at the same time, it made me unproductive. When you reach this age, it's not true that you have everything all figured out. It's not true that you are always right. It's not true that you're living the life you want and most importantly it's not true that you're left behind. I think this will be the last time I'm going to write about my job. The next time, I'll have to keep it all to myself and never let anyone know.
Now I set my mind that time flies fast, I wouldn't notice that it's been a year already. I won't feel the fear and the pressure anymore. One day I'll wake up with everything falling into place. One day, I'll be able to do what I want and be where I want to be. All these things shall come to pass.
One day, I'll choose myself and be proud that I did what I have to do for my family. When that time comes, I'll do what I want to and be the best version of myself. I'm slowly getting there and I'll get there. I'm following my own phase and my only confidant is myself.
I have to train my mind that the only way I can is when I do my best. I'm tired and exhausted now but I'll definitely be on track again. I'll get back into writing more articles not about myself anymore.
To anyone who reads this and is currently having a hard time, congratulations for not giving up. I'm proud of you for choosing to continue even if you wanted to just give up and walk away from everything. Let me give you a warm virtual hug through this 🤗. Just know that even if I don't know you personally, I'm rooting for you. Just as to how you chose to take time and read this even if you don't know me, I also take time to thank you for existing. Thank you for being there for me and joining me in my journey. Thank you for being with me every step of the way.
I would also want to leave this to you.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
~ Have a lovely weekend.
March 20, 2021
This reminds me of myself, I can relate to the point that it wasn't that dramatic yet I feel the pain you're keeping to yourself. I always try to find my ataraxia and until now, I'm still wandering. :)
Thank you for sharing :)