Lately, I've been feeling pressured. I'm overwhelmed by my new journey and my emotions. I'm trying to get hired in my passion. I've been preparing the papers since last year and now I'm almost done.
I'm afraid to mess up my new job.
I've been having nightmares and I've seen that it was a manifestation of stress.
Last December 23, 2020, I woke up thrashing and screaming from a nightmare. My brother came to my rescue and since then I've been feeling restless. January 14, 2021, I has another nightmare but not as intense as the previous one. Our cat was there guarding me and when she saw that I was awake she ran away from me. The third time was January 17, 2021. It was Sunday and I was late going to church. One of my churchmates noticed that I don't look well.
I told her that it was because of my new sleeping routine and I didn't mention her about the nightmares I've been having.
Then I came to realize how exhausted I've been for the past few days. Lat night I cried out to God in silence. I don't want my family to know and I don't want to tell them about it.
They are bothered enough by their own problems and I don't want to add up to that. They all have their own families and their own struggles to face. I don't want to be an additional burden to them.
My youngest brother whom I'm supporting his studies shouted at me and he said a very particular word that struck me and it's like the pin on a ticking bomb and I just blown off.
'THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT YOU CAN HELP ME WITH!"
It's as if everything came back to me. This times when I can't even buy anything for myself because I need to save up for his allowance. Those times that even my workmates told me to treat myself from time to time. Those times that I was too exhausted for my review, my work and I even had to wash my uniform since when I ask him he always says he can't. Those times that due to stress I had to consult a doctor for my hyper acidity because everytime I eat I vomit. Those times when I can't even ask him for a small favor. Those moments when he was too disrespectful saying rude words to me and shouting.
All I just did that time was to cry. It's as if all those two years I supported him in his studies was nothing for him. He was blaming me for needing to stay to one of our brother's house to take care of our nephew when he was paid for it.
I've had enough. I don't want anything to do with him anymore. I will still do my duty as a sister to him. I'll provide for his needs in his studies but I'll give the allowance to my mom. Everything will be upto her now.
I'm sorry for ranting here and spreading negativity but I have no one to talk to. I can't share it to my other older siblings since they have their own problems. I can't share it to my churchmates since I think it's too personal. I want to share it here in read cash since I'm anonymous here. I won't need to force myself into having critics for being too emotional.
What I learned in life:
Crying is a form of strength. Instead of trying to act tough and okay, it's better to let out my frustrations in life by writing and crying.
It's okay to cry when I'm upset. I can't vent out my emotions that well. I'm known to be a reserved type of person so I'm often misunderstood whenever I share my troubles to someone.
It's okay not to be okay. Life isn't always about happiness or getting what I want. I'll experience disappointments which will make me feel sad. I'll have to deal with difficult people but one thing that I must always remember is to be okay after sometime.
Find ways on how to release emotions. My form of comfort is writing. I'm not a good story tler but I'm a good listener. This is why whenever I write I feel as though someone heard me. Someone has taken the time to listen to me without judging me. I also clean up everytime that I'm.out of focus.
Praying while crying is the best emotional outlet. The good thing about crying while praying is knowing that all my tears are kept by God in a jar. He hears me perfectly well. He knows what I feel and after crying all.i just want to do is to sleep. It's as if God tucked me in and he made me sleep soundly.
Bible reading is hearing directly from God. Whenever I do my daily devotionals, the verses in it are the exact verses knees for the day. It's as if God has already given me a heads up about what I'm about to be needing this day.
Personal Experience:
Last night as I was about to sleep I didn't know but my tears just started to fall. Then I started crying. I was praying and I'm like a child who asks for attention and comfort from her parents. I sat down and cry a good 1 hour telling God everything that bothers me.
From my anxiety down to my personal problems. I just said it all then I just stopped crying as if all my worries and all my hurt feelings are gone. Then I just found myself drifting off to sleep.
When I woke up early in the morning, I felt much better. All my worries are gone and the company where I'm about to work at by Monday has already sent me the gadget I'll need for my new job.
My requirements are almost done. I'll just have to submit it by Friday this week.
Right now I'm doing okay. I feel a lot better.
***For anyone out there who is also having difficulty in any aspect of your life, I recommend you to cry out when you feel like it. It's not a mortal sin to cry. It's not a form of weakness. It's not shameful to stay true to yourself and admit that you feel sad.
We are given the chance to cry as a form of relief. It's one of the ways on how we can express ourselves. It's okay to cry.
Love_16
January 20, 2021
Wednesday
