There are many things that I need to consider not just today but at all times. Every decision I make affects the people around me. I can't be selfish and just think of myself especially during pandemic. It's difficult to say NO to the people around me. I'm not saying that I'm being abused for not saying NO but there are times when I can't help but to just simply feel that I have to say yes at all times.
Being unemployed for 10 months made me want to make up for those times that I wasn't able to help the family. I felt the need to give as much as I can whenever I can because it's not everyday that I can help them.
Every birthday, I see to it that I bought a birthday gift for the celebrant and I don't think of the money that I have to use since it's just once a year that a person celebrates a birthday. I also have the need to prepare for food and cake whenever possible during special occasions. I also buy dishes and food for the family which we don't often eat.
I just love the feeling of giving since I now have the ability to do so. Out of all those things, I don't count the money that I spent but I get to somehow think of what's gonna happen the next time around. My family is huge so it's understandable that there are lost of family gatherings and celebrations. It's a once in a lifetime chance and opportunity for me to do so.
But then I just suddenly realized that with my almost 4 months of working, I haven't save a single penny. All I have is nothing but the 2 pair of pants I bought and nothing else. I was able to treat my two friends for a meal which is only worth around 120 pesos each and nothing else. The more I think about it, the more I'm able to see how I haven't given myself enough care.
I wasn't able to go to church every Sunday. The reason? I wake up late since my body is now starting to adjust with my night shift schedule. I go to the hospital every Saturday for most of the times to have my weekly check up. I was too stressed out that my heart can't take it. I'm having a hard time sleeping and breathing. I feel choked and I breathe heavily.
I only bought myself a new pair of eyeglasses which I wouldn't have bought if I haven't felt and experienced dizziness and lightheadedness. What's so amusing about my doctor's visit is the fact that all my medical records are okay. My laboratory tests are okay. Although there are a few findings but it's nothing serious.
I can't cry as well even if I want to. Just to somehow ease the pain I feel in my heart which is I don't know where it actually comes from. I need a good release. I know it but I have no one to talk to. I have nowhere to go even if I want to.
And if ever I meet with my friends, I know that it will be about them. People are used to me being strong which made them think and realize that I don't need help. I'm also usually the one to ask how each of them are doing. But no one did ever ask how am I doing.
I want to spend sometime with myself. Going somewhere where no one knows me and just completely be free, safe and forget about the troubles that I have.
Actually, I don't know what will happen to me if ever I finally quit my job. Maybe the symptoms of stress will be gone, I don't know. I don't have the slightest idea. I also need to think of myself. Even just for once.
The most important lesson I learned is the fact that it's okay to say NO. It's okay not to feel guilty for saying NO. It's okay not to feel any regret for saying NO. Especially when I know that it just makes me feel obligated.
I don't want to do things halfheartedly. I just want to be a blessing to them as much as I can that I badly needed this job in order to keep myself sane from this swirling emotions inside.
I can't even enjoy reading manga, watching One Piece, watching kdrama, and even going out. I just don't know what to feel anymore. As of now, my goal is to have our water tube fixed. Then prepare for the father's day celebration as well as the birthday of my parents this coming June.
I wanted to go out and talk to someone but at the same time, I feel as though it's unnecessary and it might have been bothersome to them as well.
Oh, I also quarrel with my younger siblings a lot. They even told me that when I had this job, it's as though I've been boastful and if ever I ask them to do something, they'll have to do it the moment I told them to do it.
They also need to adjust with me. The food I eat, my time of sleep, they can't also be too loud since I'm easily awaken with noise. Even my workspace at home. They always need to adjust with me at all times.
I'll also be honest hat I somehow felt sad about noise cash since I've been marked as a spammer. So what I did is log our of it and I have no plans of logging back in again. Read cash isn't also the same as before. The tips I receive isn't as big as before but how can I even get angry right? It's just a free tip as well as the fact that I can post whenever I have the chance to do so.
I'm just glad that I'm healthy, except for the stress that causes me discomfort. And my family is also healthy and safe from the Covid-19.
Well that's it for me. I hope you always stay safe and healthy and know when to say NO. God bless you.
Love_16
May 18, 2021
Tuesday
